I'm surprised that it appears I'm navigating the waters well. I feel like I'm lost at sea without a paddle. But doing the best I can at least.

Right about the LL & a written agreement. I found out I've already been sold to the black list since she filed the proceeding. So I probably settled for no reason. Except the peace of mind, which has been a wonderful relief.

I've been dying to talk to bf. Since I can't say the things I'd like to say... I called with the excuse of the receipts. He was busy & said he'd call back. He did but then I was busy. I thought he'd drop it, but he did try me again a few hours later. He said he'd get them ready & bring them over to me this wknd. I did my best to sound very happy & carefree. We were both having a busy day - so it was brief. Now I am excited looking forward to seeing him for a moment this wknd! I have to decide if it's wise to go out on the limb. I'm tempted. I imagined saying something like "oh these are great, they're going to help me alot. I'm so happy I could kiss you.' Just to see his reaction, then tell him I'm just kidding. It plays off kindof cute in my imagination. I'm pathetic to be daydreaming these potential scenerios. This wk. 2 different friends both mentioned him - one said, how can we get bf to come around, hmmm? Another said they were surprised that the breakup lasted because we always seemed like a solid couple and seemed so good together. He thinks he's being strong and principled to stick to his resolve, but actually he's being a coward. And I'm so done with being without him, it makes me feel sick. And since I've been comtemplating it, I was rethinking what he said in July. About how he didn't want to meet me because I would manipulate his feelings and attempt to weaken his resolve. So I backed off then & haven't made any play for him since. But what that means is that he loves me and he doesn't trust himself around me cuz I might say something that makes sense and he'd feel weak enough to cave. So instead of backing off, I wonder if I should have amped it up. If he was weak in July I should have gone all out. Meanwhile, the more time that passes, the more likely he is to be getting over me and really moving on. Now I'm thinking I should have gone in for the prize while he was admittedly vulnerable. Instead, I gave him what he said he wanted.
It is confusing. So much at stake. Wish there was a test case. Like one example of my R with the most perfect Dbing I can manage. And another case where I pour my heart out to him. Wonder which, if either strategy would have any affect at all on him.
I saw him again this a.m., same place. I'm pretty sure he saw me this time too, but he acted like he didn't.
Meanwhile, I'm busy. I'm finally getting my new routine underway. Doing ok in general.