Now that you mention patterns, for the first time probably since H was in Withdrawal he actually spoke to me for about 20 min each night instead of 5min essential stuff for the first few nights he was away. Topics were medium term (12 month) plans together with the pre-crisis H talking so a big change fom previous paterns this time.
FG,
Would love to go glamour, a little impractical with toddlers, as is tiling too I guess. Maybe a compromise with shoes?! Also interested in how horroscopes actualy work as well as standard stars, the science behind it all!
Horoscopes and astrology are a great thing. Very interesting.
You sound like you are doing good. Took me a little time to catch up. IMO, the apology thing, not so sure...
It may have seemed a little mommy correcting the child. Sorry. That is kinda how it read but beyond that you did good.
Showing emotion, I realized at one point, when I got tired of running to my room to cry so H wouldn't see, that when we live with them, we can't hide everything and that is just life. I don't do it a whole bunch, but once in a while, you just have to let it out there and the pieces will fall where they may. We aren't made of stone regardless of what our MLCer's might want to think.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Been letting similar stuff I asked H to apologise for through to the keeper for several months and its been making me feel more and more like a doormat. A third party who knows us both well observed H's treatment of me over several hours and could not believe I did not pull him up straight away. I managed to wait until the next day and made sure I had a pleasant voice! I did used to do the mummy thing all the time so it was a fine line and will let it go next time. H did not disagree at all so I think it worked ok in this instance.
Ah! The third party input SR.... Can be useful but they don`t know that we need to let some bad behaviours slide under the radar in the grand scheme of things while catching other behvaviours with boundary setting.
Picking our battles in other words.
Yeah, sometimes its hard to decide which ones to let go though!
And that pleasant voive does seem to work best.
I used to slate my H before.
I do think that for H`s in crisis they are reverting back to behaviours they`ve seen used by their fathers when they(the h`s!) were growing up. (well, the first time they were growing up...)
My only two boundaries set, I have let EVERYTHING under the radar for four months, so I was busting to do it for me. And it felt really good too!
Thinking about it, it was like Hs need to control seemed to have weakened a bit now, on average, so trying to set a boundary any earler just would not have worked. It felt like as it has been so long since I set one, I needed to remind H there were still boundaries.
I too can clearly see H modelling his parent in how he reacts, as do I.
My first aim was to steer our ship into calmer waters out of crisis mode into a holding pattern. I reckon after 12 months it finally is feeling like the ship slowed down, turned and is now maybe in a position to head towards the calmer waters. If I was not seeing the results I am seeing, I would not continue. In the last three months I seem to have gone from getting respect, relaxing with H 20% of the time to more like 70% of the time.
I have no problem in general with the idea of going solo, I have the skills. The last couple of weeks is the closest I have come to throwing in the towel, and on several occasions. Trying to keep no expectations is probably harder now than when things were more crisis.
I do have good friends on the alt keeping a close eye on me, they just don't get the MLC aspect of it which is cool. I do probably need to look after myself a better, so doing that first would be a good start. Developed insomnia that I should sort out, a bit harder with toddlers who wake during the night. I did start thinking of that today and have arranged a two hour power walk (with prams and bikes) to wear us all out tomorrow. I do need to be there for my kidlets for sure.
Hey, I don't want to be negative for you.
I'm just thinking that everytime YOU feel closer, he backs away
And everytime YOU back away, he sucks you back into his world and sorta spins you out a little.
And maybe , although your intentions are very good, and you are seeing SMALL things, you should back away a little more and let him steer the ship...
Back away in what way are you suggesting? My steering (how I see it anyhow!) has been to act As If things are better than they are and it seems to take us to a better place for the last few months. I let him talk mostly try to listen. So how do you see me backing away more?
What I feel catches me is day starts very well, I let my guard down, some unexpected incident will flick the switch and thats where I get burnt. I then pull back for protection. I do need to protect my toddlers as they don't get the mood swings so I feel the need to also pull them to lunch or something to keep a smooth flow and change the energy.
I actually do well during those times, its after, especially just before sleeping that I need to process it to let it go.
I will plan my day and don't care if he joins in or not in what I am doing.
I get focus on me not him, but how to put more focus on me?
