Hey y'all -

Thanks for the responses - I did feel a little weird posting all this out there, but it's a real comfort to be able to talk with y'all about it.

In the May/June timeframe, with C's help we started working on things, telling each other more about what we liked and didn't like - I do think there is potential for vast changes in W's experience - and yeah, potentially a lot of fun experimenting. We had tried different positions, different touching, etc. and W told me what she liked. But whatever happens, and whatever is possible, I think things will be a LOT better now that we're both putting effort into becoming more comfortable with intimacy issues. Anyway, I'm absorbing all that y'all are saying even if I don't know exactly how to respond yet - thank you for the feedback.

As for me - I suspect that my own issues may just disappear as things change for us.

Last night was very intense. We went out with friends (old and new) for dinner and wine-tasting (with me abstaining cause of meds) and had the BEST time. It felt like college again to me, and W had an absolute BLAST. We laughed so much our faces hurt. W said that we need more of this - part of her has been squashed with us not going out with good friends as much. I can't say how good and important this was for us.

W kept looking at me, kept telling me how much she loved me, and we even did some public kissing - yow!! This is the best out-with-friends night we had in ages, maybe ever.

W even told my buddy how much I've done to save the M and how much she loves me. She was gushing. SHe was so happy and seemed so in love.

We got home, more making out, she asked me to come into her room, more making out and after some hemming and hawing from her and "are you going to regret this?" from me - we started to have sex. Passionate - she said later she'd never seen me like that before. Yeah, things are changing for us.

But then she pushed me away and stared to cry - panic attack. She told me how scared she was, how she didn't want me to hurt her. I held her for a long time, told her that I love her and will never hurt her, will never leave her - she is imprinted on me and will be a part of me even after I die. She says that she has never loved someone so much and it's hard dealing with the emotions - it would have been so much easier to just leave. She said she is much more fragile than she appears. I stayed with her for a long time, held her, comforted her until she said it was time for me to go so she could get some sleep.

She also said that she wants my very bad physically but just isn't ready for sex yet, and we need to take a step back. I really should have known not to cross this boundary - but heck, maybe it would have done more damage to turn her down after our history.

I love this woman so much.

- Bill