You are so right Rabbit ... maybe I should contact him and ask when he is available to do the jobs that he spoke of recently. He also knows that my finger and wrists are really playing up at the moment so maybe a word to ask if he could take a turn of mowing the lawns may be OK?
What do others think??
I am more determined to zip my lip when he is next here. Less talk, more mystery, more affirmation of H and that which he does. Right?
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
I understand how you are feeling and only you and you alone will know when it is time to give up and move on. As much as everyone would love you to continue working on your M you are the one living your life no one else.
DBing is not easy on us, it is hard work. It is normal to feel that everything is too much Nell and things do get on our nerves and we feel overwhelmed from time to time because we are the ones carrying the burden of everything that needs to be done.
I don't have an answer for you Nell other than to let you know I know how you feel and can sympathise with you wholeheartedly I have been where you are now and I am sure I will be back there at some point further down the track.
Oh Oz - but you seem to be streets ahead of me. Your H was there with you and you have managed to do so much to make amends with him. My H doesn't even acknowledge that I exist any more.
Thanks for your support - it's so valuable to know that I have good buddies here.
On days like today, it's so tempting to go be Rabbit's lodger and get some of my old life back, rather than be here alone and wondering what I am doing in this huge country without H .... this was all his idea and now he's abandoned everything that he persuaded me was going to be good for us.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Sorry Nell, I took so long to reply that the discussion changed.
If you do decide to initiate contact as you say he hated it when you didn't talk after a disagreement then you are going to have to choose your words carefully and yes you will have to zip your lip and keep it all nice and calm.
Just make sure that whatever you ask him to come around to do is not phrased in any pursuing needy way.
Nell I am not streets ahead of you, remember my situation has changed direction and my whole DB techniques have to change dramatically and I for one feel I am pretty much starting from scratch again.
I don't know that we have made amends apart from the fact he has apologised for derogratory comments made and accusations levelled at me.
"Hi. What happened with the insurance after? I have not heard anything from them and wondered if you had managed to upgrade my policy, or not? I can't really afford to do it this month now due to all the extra money that I have put in to the joint account but I need to get it sorted, if I am still in my temporary job, next month.
Also, as you spoke of doing some jobs around the house, when would you be available to perhaps mow the lawns? As you know, I am having some trouble with my finger and wrists at the moment otherwise I would do it myself. Perhaps you would let me know so that we could agree on a day?".
This will let H know that I have done as he asked in terms of putting the money in to cover my expenditure and yet it also tells him that he is not off the hook in terms of his responsibilty to care for the home.
Suggestions or comments - answers on a postcard, please!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
I don't think there is anything wrong with the email, you aren't pursuing, you are being business like and to the point. I think it is okay, but maybe others would be able to refine it a bit.
I know that money is tight for you at the moment but I wonder if you can find a pro marriage counsellor. If you go to the doctor and they write a referral you can get it for free for 6 sessions. Ideally, of course, save for DB coach. With a coach or counsellor you could establish a plan and a specific time frame and talking with a coach keeps you really honest and also gives you honest feedback on your attempts.
Totally agree with Cas you have to have someone who is pro marriage and unfortunately so many aren't. That is where the DB coaches are good and yes they don't just focus on H's behaviour but even ours that can be detrimental to things as well.
