UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Eskimo Nell]

I'm wondering Cas if this is pullback from my H or not - I don't think that he cares enough one way or another. I just think that he is so over all of this and wants me to move out of the house and for our finances to be severed. He knows that I won't play that game right now and his actions are to remain distant and with nc to me unless I initiate, or a problem arises that he has to contact me first. I reckon he could easily walk and never look back otherwise, such is the evidence.

Oz, people say about burning the thoughts but it's never really worked for me, to be honest. I have issues with lots of counselling techniques, even the ones that I have recommended to others - like putting your thoughts in a balloon and letting them fly away! I just think that what is in my head and heart will always stay there - there's no getting rid and even now, years later, I am still haunted by stuff that my first love said and did. Nothing helps me shed this stuff - and I have been with H twice as long as xbf.

Tomorrow will be such a temptation to ring H as I shall be in the office alone for the whole day. It's a week since I have seen him and I am feeling the withdrawal symptoms - badly. I wish that things were different for us. I get a bit jealous of you buds that have contact, LM'ing and other such encounters with your H's. I am beginning to wonder if I should stick around for a bit longer or just give up this whole DB'ing lark now - it's not getting me anywhere other than to eat up a few hours of my time each day.

I'm wondering if there's any substance to it or whether it's just all about making us feel better for the individuals that we are - and then WAS's who do come back do it because they would have in any case. I am starting to feel that it's merely preparation for living life alone ...

I love the company here but I am forlorn when I see other people working their WAS's and there's so little for me to join in with. (Sorry, I sound like the kid who never gets picked for the team)!

I just feel that my H is so done .... and I am feeling so hard done by. Everything is getting on my nerves with the house at the moment - even the cats are being a pain! I need some help and it's all starting to over-burden me again.