Well, the last day or so has cemented in my mind that we are secure. W is giving me lots of affection; she gave me lots of kisses after her C session yesterday, said she talked a lot about me and thanked me for being the most wonderful man on earth (WOW!). She said – explicitly – that she will never leave me. She tells me how much she loves me, and how much my love means to her, especially after this whole experience and what she sees as my unconditional love – even when I thought she was leaving. She says she can see it in me – body language, voice, actions, etc.
I am very happy!! Now for the rest of the work I have to do.
I’ve been mulling over what I want to post here. I’m a very private person, and although I’ve hesitated in the past about some of the things I’ve posted, but decided I needed to, I shudder at what I’m about to write (and post on the internet… oh boy…). This is part of me opening up and being okay with it though. I’m doing this because it helps me, this is what I’m working on, and if I don’t use this BB for the relevant issues now I may as well just not post.
I apologize if anyone thinks this is too private. I will say that if anyone reading this suspects that you know me in the flesh, I respectfully ask that you skip this post.
I thank everyone for your responses! Shiney, yeah, I suffer a lot of anxiety. I know about that paralyzing indecision – I’m glad to hear your good recommendations of the book!
I suspect your wife is SCARED about ML. Too many huge expectations and "what if" there aren't fireworks and all. So, just let her come around at her pace. How were things before the separation?
Here's a quote I got from somewhere that might help you w/your bedroom sitch: "If intimacy were easier to achieve, it wouldn't be worth nearly as much."
personal question bill, and don't answer if it is too personal, but how long has it been?
Okay, let’s get to work. Let’s talk about intimacy.
First, my background and my wife’s background.
I was brought up in a very conservative family – with two sisters. I was taught to respect women; that to have sexual thoughts about them was actually disrespectful and would likely earn me scorn (I’ve learned that this isn’t true – women WANT to be desired! Duh). I was the guy in HS and college that thought I was a good man to refrain from sex. Young men being what they are, I did have my sexual encounters, but it was a source of tension for me, and I later actually worried about the issue of being less experienced than your average guy. Interestingly, I’ve realized just recently that I have a history of being with women who have been through sexual trauma, perhaps because I’ve been safe and respectful. In short, I’ve basically been repressed in this area. What a cliché, right? Anyway, I have my share of hang-ups and anxiety about intimacy. W has asked me a number of times about fantasies, and my answer has always been “I don’t really know.”
My W has a history of having her boundaries overrun. She has developed that habit of using intimacy to gain control of relationships, and has gauged the security of her relationships through the sexual component. She has never had an orgasm during sex in her life.
I initiate sex by kind of sneaking up on it. I like taking it slowly, kissing until you can’t take it any more, slowly letting the desire build – this could take all night in different stages. I find this not only enjoyable, but integral to the experience. I LOVE this.
My W, as soon as any indication of intimacy is present, will blurt out “Want to have sex?”, run into the bedroom and strip her clothes off.
This confuses me.
According to C, my W, having boundary issues, get confused because I respect her boundaries.
This is the way it was from the beginning – W was pushing intimacy to hurry along the relationship, I wanted to take it more slowly – I actually TURNED HER DOWN the first time she asked for sex because it didn’t feel right to me yet (although gave in on the next day, ha ha. I am a guy, after all).
Yeah, our sex life has always been a little off. To complicate matters, sex is always followed by manually giving W an orgasm. This frustrates her because it feels mechanical to her, and there’s a component of resentment floating around. I’ve always been more than willing to do this, but I think she feels embarrassed about it, and she feels like it’s an imposition to me (which I don’t feel myself, but this has been an issue with prior partners).
With us both feeling a little “off” about intimacy, I’ve had the occasional failure to… mmm… respond. This hasn’t been frequent, but maybe frequent enough to be noticed. And with my anxious personality, this happens once and it’s always a fear, which further complicates the issue. This occasional event hurt my W’s feelings, and to make it worse I did reveal that I’d never had this issue with other women.
After the boys were born things got more complicated, primarily because W’s breasts were so sensitive. I like her breasts, so having her jump when I touched them, or trying to refrain fro doing so, was a bit of a bummer for me.
Our intimacy waned. I went to the doctor and nothing was wrong with me, and I was clear what a humiliating experience I thought it was, which W took to heart – i.e., I was unwilling or unable to work on our intimacy.
So, we got into a situation where W wanted sex all the time, I felt like I was required to be walking around with an erection all the time without any stimulation, and fell into a pattern (unconsciously, I guess) where I was avoiding intimacy. By W’s judgment, I would initiate every six weeks. Seemed to be a pattern. We both withdrew from each other in a number of ways.
We started working on this with C’s help in late spring / early summer, and I think that the prospect of having to work on it convinced W that we were just incompatible. Kitti, I guess the last time was in June.
Well, W has issues with rejection and abandonment. This whole situation was a critical piece of her decision to ask for D.
The funny thing is that after she cut off the prospect of sex, I became extremely hot for her. This made her angry at first, but then really made an impact on her.
So, where we are today – W is aware of and working on her boundary issues. This is very healthy for her. We’re going to ease into sex when we’re ready, and do this the right way, develop real intimacy. She’s actually learning to touch me kiss me on the neck and body and all, which really does it for me (I think physical touch may be my LL). I’m breaking out of my hang-ups and repression – feeling good about buying her underwear, he he he. Talking about sex. Talking about intimacy. We’re letting each other in.
W is working heavy-duty now in therapy on a number of issues. C says there’s no reason that she shouldn’t be able to have orgasms during sex, and W holds the hope now that I will be “her first.” I’m hoping that’s in our future too.
C says we both have significant issues with intimacy and boundaries (emotional boundaries for me).
I have every book now on passion in marriage and sex that I can find. (Analytical problem-solving, eh?) I’m working with C on this things I’ve already described.
So, this is the next big thing to tackle. I see it as hopefully the last thing to address before I consider our marriage to be rebuilt – this and her moving back into the bedroom.
