The root of my problem w/ my H is his aloofness and emotional walls. He withdraws rather than interacts. He would hurt me w/ his detachment and then I'd get crabby and try to figure out what was up. He would w/draw more and we'd have these little vicious cycles of negative emotions. Now we're here. It's a horrible, rotten place to be. Don't keep those walls up. GOOD for YOU that you have found a way to let them down, because that is one of the most difficult things for women to deal with...an emotionally w/drawn person.
Keep up the GREAT work Bill. I am so proud of you. I am amazed at the hard work you are putting in to bring your wife back. That makes you so special, and that is why so many of us here, are in your corner.
C
Waking up this morning, I
smile.
Twenty-four brand new hours are
before me.
I vow to live fully in each moment
and to look at all beings with
eyes of compassion.
Thanks Carolyn, I really do appreciate you saying such. That aloofness / withdrawing pattern has been such a big think with me, my whole life, and it sucks. My sister had commented how I'm hard to talk to, I think my Dad wishes we had a closer relationship (although it's a trait with everyone in my family) - I'm growing to be a better person just in general. Getting out of the comfort zone. It's so natural to give into it - it's uncomfortable to feel vunerable or too close - but that really limits the intimacy that I can have.
I'm so happy to be happy - or to be getting there.
Thanks a lot Carolyn - you're in my thoughts and prayers.
Concentrating on our stuff together and my "acts of service" - cleaned the house over the weekend and a bunch of other stuff. Planned a trip for the family weekend after next. Bought tickets for a 49ers game on 11/2 - W is a sports fan and I am not, so this is a 180 for me - a BIG one - it was my idea, I lined it up, planned it, got the tickets, arranged the babysitters - and I'm excited to go! W is STOKED.
Had a C session yesteday, lots of things to talk about. C says I'm analytical and very dependent on my mind, trying now to get in touch with feelings and emotions, trying to identify and stop the thoughts that lead to anxiety, etc. Get in touch with core self. I'm realizing that I need to redefine my concept of identity. I've put a lot of effort to identify, articulate, and compose who I am - now trying to get in touch with that amorphous blob of self inside that I was born with. I think what will releave the everyday pressures I feel of expectations to "be" who I need to be - and it's true, I attach some great signficiance to every decision I make, every action, every failure, as if it defines me. This is going to be freeing!
W still tells me how much she loves me, she hugs and kisses me - last night she decided to lay on me for a good while in an embrace, saying she wanted to soak me up. The Victoria Secret package arrived yesteday, so she had fun going through the stuff I got for her.
This morning she made me breakfast. Told me that it bothers her that she still has no desire to move back into the bedroom. Kind of freaked me out, because she's said that before in the context that it was a signal for her to leave - I think I'm still a little gun-shy here. She said I shouldn't buy her any more underwear right now because we're not there yet - a little too intimate. She's moving slowly and working through these boundary issues. She said we should all go out tonight to eat - good family time!
So... kind of mixed. Part of me is estatic that she loves me so much - part of me is fearful and disappointed that she's still in her own room. I know this is going to take time and patience. I know that I've got to focus on myself and I am. I can do this, sure. I'm wondering how long this is going to take!! I'm afraid of making a mistake in the meantime. I'm afraid things could turn around again as quickly as the good things that have happened. I'm really still in "we're in big trouble" mode, because I really don't know WHERE we are.
Or maybe I just want sex.
Well, Rome wasn't built in a day. Truthfully, this isn't killing me, I'm okay with being patient. Just don't always know what to do.
Well, W has a C appointment today, maybe that will be helpful.
New books arrived from Amazon yesteday, stuff C wants me to read: The Power of Now and Practicing the Power of Now. I've got so many things to read!! Currently in 5LL, THe Secret of the Shadow (more C recommednations), I just got SSM, and a bunch of other books on Passionate Marriage, His needs & Her Needs, etc. etc. etc. I've got nuts buying books and now I feel burried. See? Afraid of making a mistake of reading a less helpful thing from all the choices I now have.
Watched election coverage last night. Okay now - what do y'all think about CA now? Setting the pace of American politics... or a big joke? Wait - let me guess -
You and I are in opposite situations...My husband and I are having great s_x, but he lives in our other house. I decided to take this route because we truly lived in a SSM brought on by me. This was the catalyst to our separation - I know, it goes way deeper than that, but we truly disconnected because we did not ML nearly as often as H needed to in order to feel close in our R. So....my 180 has been to go with things and always be available for the "can I come over later?" meetings - usually 2 times per week. I have seen remarkable improvement in our R since instigating this....heck, H called me a few minutes ago at work just to "check in" and talk and tell me that his plans had changed this evening and he could absolutely keep kids so I could work late.
I suspect your wife is SCARED about ML. Too many huge expectations and "what if" there aren't fireworks and all. So, just let her come around at her pace. How were things before the separation?
Anyway, just thought it is strange that some of us are really in totally differents situations, but it all boils down to the same thing, right???
So, even though you've just started reading 5LL it seems like you may have already figured out your W language. That's great! The book does tell you to "listen" to what they've been saying and you can figure it out. Too bad some of us need that 2x4 to help us along.
Part of your wife's aprehension could be due to the fact that she is still getting used to all of the changes that are happening to you and how she is feeling/dealing w/them. She may be waiting for the "other shoe to drop" as well.
Bill-you really are going strong man. I don't see how she could turn away from you at this point. You're practically "prince charming" to her (and us) .
Here's a quote I got from somewhere that might help you w/your bedroom sitch: "If intimacy were easier to achieve, it wouldn't be worth nearly as much."
Use that analytical, engineering, over-stressed, articulate mind to ponder that concept.... Pretty provoking, huh?
Sorry I'm not the politicing type....but I do like Arnold (he he) I guess after his run, his slogan will really be popular "I'll be back". (ha ha)
Glad to read your update...LOTS of great stuff going on my man!!!
I was caught by your C's comment that you tend toward the analytical and need to reconnect with your emotions/body etc.
You mention anxiety or at least that's how it reads to me. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder myself, but it is MUCH MUCH better than it used to be! (Meds, self help, therapy).
I can totally relate to the paralysis of indecision, of agonizing over choices, actions (how did he/she/they take that???) etc. I posted this before, but I once sat in a restaurant and CRIED over the menu because I couldn't decide what to order!!
As you know, this is NO way to live!!
So all the best on your journey. The power of NOW was a pivotal read for me...it will really help put some of this angst into perspective.
