It is unbelievable how jealous she is over your R with the boys. That is exactly why something always seem to be wrong and they can't communicate with you throughout the week.....and now you've offered to have the geek squad go fix it and she has to think about it?......Please!
I didn't want it to go this way, but I think she is playing you. I was hoping that my gut feeling was wrong and that she was seeing the mistake she'd made and was trying to warm up to you. But, I think you had the right word......"butter" up is more like it.
I can't believe she would go to you for a loan to pay off furniture after she did you like she did. So.....you might as well expect her to be hounding you for every bill that comes her way until she discovers that you are not going to fall for her games and be controlled. BTW, don't be surprised if she doesn't play the sex card some night. If she can't get money out of you one way....she'll try another. I know that is bad to think that way about her....but that is my gut feeling....again. I hope I'm wrong, but time will tell.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I've been through the exact same thing with my XW. Throughout the separation, she made very bad financial decisions, not to mention trips to meet up with the OM. Foolishly, I offered to help her on several occasions as I loved her and felt like it was my duty as a husband to help her. I was feeding her 'cake-eating.'
They must see what it will be like for them to be totally on thier own, without you in thier life.
Formerly SGfan M:38 W:33 M:8 yrs T:10 yrs Bomb: Dec '08 Separated: 4/18/09 Divorce: 8/28/09 XW Affair began: April 08
I didn't want it to go this way, but I think she is playing you. I was hoping that my gut feeling was wrong and that she was seeing the mistake she'd made and was trying to warm up to you. But, I think you had the right word......"butter" up is more like it.
One of the thoughts that have been coming into my radar was to just point blank ask her: Why are you being friendly? What is your end goal? Is to better co-parent or is it because you want to reconcile or see what could happen?
If I do "put myself out there", how do I do it without looking totally pathetic with respect to being willing to try again considering all that she's done. I guess there is an ego component getting in the way as well. I think that's also is what's getting in my own way of trusting her again so that I would be really willing to try/trust.
I know I can't keep my head buried in the sand. We're 15 months from the divorce from being finalized (I can finalize it within 30 days by signing the papers). Either way, what's best for me and the boys, regardless of her answer is that I am going to wait the 15 months.
So, by asking her the question, in hindsight I should have asked during that 3.5 hour call last Friday when she was starting to show some remorse, I can at least figure out how to proceed. If she says no, it's divorce all the way, then I know what I need to do. If she says she doesn't know, I guess I'm back to being confused in PA.
If she says she wants to see what happens, I need to find it in me to make the leap of faith to trust her. Then I could try and talk with her more often - chit chat/friendly type stuff and follow the DB approach of no relationship talks. Then again, that's what I was doing before I found out and it wasn't getting me anywhere.
So I keep talking myself back into circles. So do I or don't I ask why she is trying to be "friendly"......
Originally Posted By: sandi2
BTW, don't be surprised if she doesn't play the sex card some night.
The bad part of it was that before I found out, I would have been very happy about that possibility. Now, it actually disgust me......
So, is that part of detachment?!?!?
Or is it still anger....
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
I also think she is playing you big time. At the beginning of my situation, my W played me so bad. I'm embarassed by how I fell for it, but I take pride in knowing that I did because I loved and trusted her, and she used that for her own disgusting purposes. She'll need to live with that, but I don't.
I think you shouldn't ask her that question. Just GAL and don't give her the satisfaction. I've found one of the best tools is silence. She knows what she's done is reprehensible, but she wants to avoid that reality. Silence can be very biting. Go out and GAL with the attitude of "Who needs a cheating W? I've got better things to do."
Let her stew in her guilt, and don't let her see you bothered one bit by what's she's done. Let her think you've washed your hands of her. Now is definitely not the time to "put yourself out there". She has a lot of atoning to do first. It's all on her right now. Live your life honorably in the mean time.
That is so true. These are words I have always tried to live by. One of the things that one of my dear friends had told me was that as long as you life life honorably, there is no failure.....
It is disgusting how WAW use the love and trust we HAD for their own dispicable purposes.
Thanks for stopping by my thread and sharing your insight and encouragement.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
It is disgusting how WAW use the love and trust we HAD for their own dispicable purposes.
I get some solice in the knowledge that the WAW in the throws of an A really is acting like a drug addict, and that their actions while caught in the grip are truly not indicative of their nature. My W acted in ways so bizarre, so selfish, so unlike the woman I knew and married, that I have to admit something was seriously wrong with her brain. As she's come out of it, the woman I knew is starting to show again, and I like her again.
I agree. Dont tell her anything. She IS playing you. Like I said before sometimes the WAS feels ENTITLED. "He owes me" attitude. "He hurt me so he owes me". Blah! Rise above this... Set your boundaries and stick to them. Always remember the basic DB principle of "Dont believe anything they say and only half of what they do..."
Buddy, as best I can make out ...you aint anywhere even on the detachment dart board.
Make your own life and get to it now. While it is far easier for me to do and to have done through my ordeal since we are pretty much kid-less (I will conceded that to you ..to an extent), the capability that you have to detach from her given your family circumstances seems to be uncharted waters to this date.
Quit hashing over the permutations, algorithms, probabilities and stats of this and that rumbling around nside your W's way confused mind. Leave all the confusion to her, you don't need to be this way. Unplug from her fully and completely but for the issues involving the boys. The sooner you start, the sooner you will be there.
Buddy, as best I can make out ...you aint anywhere even on the detachment dart board. Make your own life and get to it now. While it is far easier for me to do and to have done through my ordeal since we are pretty much kid-less (I will conceded that to you ..to an extent), the capability that you have to detach from her given your family circumstances seems to be uncharted waters to this date.
Quit hashing over the permutations, algorithms, probabilities and stats of this and that rumbling around nside your W's way confused mind. Leave all the confusion to her, you don't need to be this way. Unplug from her fully and completely but for the issues involving the boys. The sooner you start, the sooner you will be there.
Don't make me turn to the lumber!!!
Your bro'
Ted
Can I get a Amen?
CIPA, if I remember correctly didn't you used to be into lifting weights? There are two parts to getting stronger - the workout then the rest phase. Do you see how much you have been thru in '09? Your marriage is on the rocks, you get numerous bombs dropped on you, you lose your job, find a job, move away from your boys and you haven't rested yet. That is a lot of stress. Once you just rest you will see more clearly. The rest is for you. You can cut more firewood if you stop and sharpen your saw occassionaly. I promise that if you detach you will be a better Dad, better at work, better husband, and a better CIPA.
Take care of yourself - emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally. Give yourself some credit for getting this far, now call a timeout and catch your breathe and get some water. Time to get your head back in the game. You are reacting instead of thinking thru the play.
Detach, drope the rope, let go, find space, meditate, whatever it takes so that you find a little peace. It's not your fault you are in this situation. Forgive yourself and love yourself. You can't give away won't you don't have. You can handle it.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
