WAW and 4 kids

[tryingtilDorR]

My feelings for my wife seem to be fading. I definitely LUST after my W but I am not sure I Love her right now. I am not sure why I have turned this corner all of the sudden. I find that I don't enjoy being around her. I used to agonize when she wasn't around or when I wasn't home wondering what she was doing, etc etc. when the crisis first hit about 9 months ago. I think the pain of her rejection and the EA has finally numbed me to some extent and taken its toll.

I think us LBSs go through a clingy/desperation stage, and then realize that we need to detatch because it isn't healthy and we start to feel better but realize that we still wish for everything to work out above all else somehow, to this last stage of "I don't care and it is too bad if she decides to leave impact our family in such a negative way, but life will go on"???

If she leaves it will hurt, no doubt about it, but given how she acts these days I am not sure what I want any more.

I lost my job right before she got into the EA, and I took a new one that allowed me to work at home, was much less stressful, and also paid less than previous job. at the time it was all I could handle. I am now feeling like I need to get back to the level of work I was doing before and feel like I have shaken off the baggage of my M issues enough to be productive again. A job offer landed in my lap that I am considering taking that I wouldn't have considered several months ago due to my emotional/mental state at the time (I wouldn't have been able to funciton). It is a different story now. I feel like I have my game/mojo back and am ready to make more $$ and have a bigger impact on the world

The fact that she doesn't sleep in the bedroom doesn't really bother me anymore suddenly. I am sad that my kids don't see a set of parents who are 'together', and I know this is hard on S17 and D15, but outside of that I am void of emotion for now. I have talked to both of them and said that we are having problems but that I love their mother and am hoping things work out, and that I am sorry they have had to see such a sad situation.

I am sad for my kids that we haven't been able to work on this, but I have done the best I can even though I know I have made mistakes.

I am not ready to file for D, but am just more at peace with the current situation and not agonizing over what W is doing/thinking, going to do, and don't really care.

Our 20th anniversary is next month and it is sad that it will be a non-event for the most part. Oh well.

Right now my plan is to just do my thing and try to enjoy being with my family (Kids - she isn't that fun to be around) over the holidays and take stock of where we are in January.