Concentrating on our stuff together and my "acts of service" - cleaned the house over the weekend and a bunch of other stuff. Planned a trip for the family weekend after next. Bought tickets for a 49ers game on 11/2 - W is a sports fan and I am not, so this is a 180 for me - a BIG one - it was my idea, I lined it up, planned it, got the tickets, arranged the babysitters - and I'm excited to go! W is STOKED.
Had a C session yesteday, lots of things to talk about. C says I'm analytical and very dependent on my mind, trying now to get in touch with feelings and emotions, trying to identify and stop the thoughts that lead to anxiety, etc. Get in touch with core self. I'm realizing that I need to redefine my concept of identity. I've put a lot of effort to identify, articulate, and compose who I am - now trying to get in touch with that amorphous blob of self inside that I was born with. I think what will releave the everyday pressures I feel of expectations to "be" who I need to be - and it's true, I attach some great signficiance to every decision I make, every action, every failure, as if it defines me. This is going to be freeing!
W still tells me how much she loves me, she hugs and kisses me - last night she decided to lay on me for a good while in an embrace, saying she wanted to soak me up. The Victoria Secret package arrived yesteday, so she had fun going through the stuff I got for her.
This morning she made me breakfast. Told me that it bothers her that she still has no desire to move back into the bedroom. Kind of freaked me out, because she's said that before in the context that it was a signal for her to leave - I think I'm still a little gun-shy here. She said I shouldn't buy her any more underwear right now because we're not there yet - a little too intimate. She's moving slowly and working through these boundary issues. She said we should all go out tonight to eat - good family time!
So... kind of mixed. Part of me is estatic that she loves me so much - part of me is fearful and disappointed that she's still in her own room. I know this is going to take time and patience. I know that I've got to focus on myself and I am. I can do this, sure. I'm wondering how long this is going to take!! I'm afraid of making a mistake in the meantime. I'm afraid things could turn around again as quickly as the good things that have happened. I'm really still in "we're in big trouble" mode, because I really don't know WHERE we are.
Or maybe I just want sex.
Well, Rome wasn't built in a day. Truthfully, this isn't killing me, I'm okay with being patient. Just don't always know what to do.
Well, W has a C appointment today, maybe that will be helpful.
New books arrived from Amazon yesteday, stuff C wants me to read: The Power of Now and Practicing the Power of Now. I've got so many things to read!! Currently in 5LL, THe Secret of the Shadow (more C recommednations), I just got SSM, and a bunch of other books on Passionate Marriage, His needs & Her Needs, etc. etc. etc. I've got nuts buying books and now I feel burried. See? Afraid of making a mistake of reading a less helpful thing from all the choices I now have.
Watched election coverage last night. Okay now - what do y'all think about CA now? Setting the pace of American politics... or a big joke? Wait - let me guess -
