I'm not in a position to offer advice on this so it should come from others. I think you're definitely on the right track. Only thing I notice is that you seem to be timidly pleading for what should be boldly demanded or at least clearly and authoritatively stated, as a required boundary.
I wish I could, RSF. My H gets even more enraged when I confront him strongly. He also tends to blame me. It just gets worse.
However, I think you and others on this forum are right. I need to develop more firmness and strength when laying boundaries for him. I know I'll be confronted with his yelling at me day after day, so I'll have plenty more chances to practice firmness.
I called him after that and told him yelling wasn't cool in front of Z. He literally said, "I didn't yell - and not in front of S." How am I supposed to confront someone who doesn't see what they are doing? He just does not see it people.
Look at it this way - he'll yell if you're timid and he'll yell if you're firm - so you might as well be firm. The result is the same, no?
But at least if you're firm you're no longer buying in AT ALL to how he treats you.
I've faced this dilemma personally (though not with H) and I decided that if I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't that I'd rather be damned for doing. At least that way, I was no longer complicit in my own verbal abuse.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
My H disappears and yells at me for all the things HE IS DOING. H yells about the house - he does nothing, doesn't lift one finger even when he is here with S. H yells about how I slept with someone a long time ago - he is out doing that. H yells about my volitility, which I have completely eliminated, and he is the one blowing up every day. H yells about how he is not coming back because he doesn't trust my changes are real - he's not changing at all. H yells about how we never looked at "the real issues" yet refuses to go to therapy and deal with the real issues.
I'm not detached tonight. I'm really upset and panicking and thinking of giving this all up again.
Sounds like a lot of positive things happened with you tonight. Be careful though about thinking you are detached. Detachment is a process that takes a long time. It's like a skill, such as a martial art. BTW, As a former Judo student from way back, I appreciated Dia's analogy. I have likened my personal evolution in my sitch to the type of discipline similar to that gained through the martial arts.
Hang in there, I think you are doing great.
THnks BJ
Yeah, I know you are right. Today already I'm feeling less calm. Gotta keep working it.
I looked up some martial (marital) arts info. Really helped. THey reminded me that my power is in being calm and centered in mind and body. that th opponent's force is their vulnerability and no let that force go on it's own rather than resist it.
Still not sure what this looks like for M. However, being centered and not thrown into panic by his attacks are a good starting place.
Hope,
Your on the right track with your thinking on this. Early in my sitch one of the things that kept me grounded was a saying from one of my boyhood idols, Bruce Lee, who said "Be like Water". Whenever your H comes at you with this garbage and/or starts his tirades just think "Be like Water".
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
Sounds like a lot of positive things happened with you tonight. Be careful though about thinking you are detached. Detachment is a process that takes a long time. It's like a skill, such as a martial art. BTW, As a former Judo student from way back, I appreciated Dia's analogy. I have likened my personal evolution in my sitch to the type of discipline similar to that gained through the martial arts.
Hang in there, I think you are doing great.
THnks BJ
Yeah, I know you are right. Today already I'm feeling less calm. Gotta keep working it.
I looked up some martial (marital) arts info. Really helped. THey reminded me that my power is in being calm and centered in mind and body. that th opponent's force is their vulnerability and no let that force go on it's own rather than resist it.
Still not sure what this looks like for M. However, being centered and not thrown into panic by his attacks are a good starting place. [/quot]
Hope,
Your on the right track with your thinking on this. Early in my sitch one of the things that kept me grounded was a saying from one of my boyhood idols, Bruce Lee, who said "Be like Water". Whenever your H comes at you with this garbage and/or starts his tirades just think "Be like Water".
BJ,
I have no idea what that means. LOL If you can share with me what it means to you, I would appreciate it. I guess it means no resistance, pure acceptance and the ability to keep flowing.
Back in my game. Detached. Busy, happy, doing things for me.
Good talk w H last night re: his anger issues. He listened.
Good talk this morning w H re: some concerns I had re: S. I wondered if we should take him to a child psychologist or at least attend MC for talking about how best to keep S secure. H was calmer in tone, feeling, voice and words than he has in a long, long time. This shows he was trying re: last night's talk. He was also very supportive re: S and his issues. This is the man I fell in love with, not the beast who has emerged lately.
I was really pleased. Baby steps but the autumnal equinox seems to have shifted things a bit - if these things can mean anything.
S's birthday today - lots of parties, hope H remains as calm and sweet as he was this morning. Then all should go smoothly....
He was sweet and nice most of the night - like he used to be a long time ago, it was an incredible relief. It was like, if he could just be this gentle and positive always, I would have no problem with him.
Then it happened. Again. S started having post-birthday-party-tantrum at bedtime. No surprise there - he just turned five there was lots of cake and presnts.
S pulls at my long sweater hung on a hook - H gets very upset and starts yelling at me "You have to move this sweater! S is going to ruin it!"
Instead of my usual nice response, I said," JUst deal with S and stop telling me what to do."
He did, took S in his room, but came back out later and just sighed impatiently, pointing vigorously at the sweater yelling, "You need to do something about this!!" Even though the tantrum was over.
I could not for the life of me figure out why he was so demanding I DO IT RIGHT THEN. Also, by the time he stopped yelling at me, he could have politely moved the sweater for me.
Later, S was having a meltdown again because it was bedtime. I told H that we needed to stop playing with all the new toys and move S toward bed. To which H sarcastically replies, "Stop telling ME what to do. See?!?! I only said one thing, you are going on and on!!!!"
I thougt to myself he is just looking for ways to argue, instead of looking for ways to get along. I told him, "You are just trying to be antagonistic. What I asked you had to do with our son, what you asked me was about my clothing which is not your concern."
He kept arguing me and raising his voice. I just stopped.
