Thanks for all the posts and support! Wow, it's flattering to get attention - I really appreciate it! I feel very fortunate to call y'all my friends.
So, I'm trying to figure out things, how to go forward now. I did a LOT of things over the weekend - stuff in the yard, stuff in the house, had a biiiig list of things and got a lot of them done. Planned a trip for us in a couple of weeks to - our original plan to go to Seattle was a bit expensive, so we're going to take a driving trip to an area with a big railroad park, with train rides and all. Close to Yosemite. The boys LOVE trains right now.
So, W got home a little early - missed us (and me!) and was really happy to get home. Had a great time but was sore and tired from the sleeping accomodations, crashed on the couch and watched football (she's the sports fan between us). I gave her a massage too.
W goes back and forth between feeling really happy and really anxious. Plus, she said that the weekend gave her "stimulus overload" - we're both like that, too much stuff going on really make us frazzled.
I got babysitters for the evening. Here's how it went:
1) Got in the car, she was feeling really anxious, so I gave her a hug. I think just getting ready, feeding the boys, spilled milk, and my "take care of things" approach made her a little jumpy. 2) Had a great dinner 3) Went to a movie - she was feeling anxious again, and suddenly said "let's go do something else" - wanted to interact instead of watch the movie, plus was so keyed up that she didn't want to sit. We got our money back (movie hadn't started yet) and I assured her that I was okay with it (I used to be kind of inflexible and irritable with situations like that). 4) Went to Borders (see Carolyn? One of my favorite places!!) We bought decorating magazines and a book, got a couple of mocha freezes, went through the magazines ripping out things that we liked to decorate the house. Spent a lot of time just talking and doing this 5) Went to the grocery store to buy her some nail polish (yes, I'm still painting her toenails, and her fingers too - occurs to me that this is really odd, but it's something we've started to do that we both like) 6) Went home. Talked a lot about the yard and landscaping. 7) Sat in her room and she showed me her scrapbook pages, and all the boarders that she got (they had a boarder exchange, everyone made some and swapped). I oooed and aaawed over everything, which made her really happy. 8) I massaged her feet.
She said that she had a really great night, and I could see she meant it, even though she's struggling with her anxiety. We kissed goodnight passionately, and then she gave me the "that's enough" nudge.
She's still working on her boundaries, so we're not going too far with that stuff. Overall it was a great evening, but we're having to work on it to find that space. When she first arrived, I felt a little like my walls were up and I wanted to withdraw - I don't know why that is - but that's the reason I wanted to massage her, because that helps ME feel like I'm easing into a more intimate mood. I've still got this tendancy for aloofness that got me into trouble - and it's not habits, it's emotional reaction. Maybe the way I'm made, maybe not, but I'm seeking to work on it and find ways around it.
Well, I'm missing a meeting now actually, uh oh. Gotta go, type at you later!
