In-house Separation - Need advice on my DBing

[aflowergurlie]

Yesterday - I had dinner ready when H got home - as he was coming through the kitchen we exchanged pleasant hello's - he was happy about the dinner i had made - he show me this souvenir glass that he got from a fun restaurant he went to over the weekend & a new pair of shorts he bought, asked if i liked them - i kinda hung out in the kitchen as he chatted with me and started eating his dinner, he sat at the bar instead of going into the living room and turning on the tv - i went to my room for a few minutes and came back to kitchen to get something - he asked me about what time the gym I go to closes and then he asked if i wanted to go with him - he had never been to this gym with me before, even though he has had free access for the past year and it is only 10 mins from where we live - i had asked him on several occasions to go with me (prior to our in-house separation) - so it was definitely a big source of irritation when he joined another gym a few months ago that he has to pay for every month and is about 30 mins away - he works out with a group of male co-workers and buddies, which I get because he is the type of person who hates to do things alone/be alone and relies on others for support - so on one hand, i don't mind that he does this because it is boosting his self-confidence and a healthy thing for his body - but it has sucked that he spends so much time with all these other people now, with no room for me, despite my asking for so long for him to join me in doing the same things that he has started doing now - anyways, we are leaving and he says to me "You don't have to drive your own car, you can ride with me there." So I said ok and rode with him (only 2nd time since May i have rode anywhere with him) - As we are pulling out of the driveway, he puts his seatbelt on - He NEVER would wear his seatbelt, despite my asking him to for many years and then I gave up and didn't ask him to anymore because it irritated him - so as we are driving, i ask him "Since when do you wear a seatbelt?" - he replied that he and his brother are really trying to be good about wearing it now because the cops are getting much more strict about pulling people over for it and they don't have to have any other reason to pull you over except for that now - I'm not really sure that I am buying that explanation, but, whatever - I just replied "Well it's good that you're wearing it." and left it at that - We get to the gym and he has to fill out some paperwork - After he finished he said "I put you as my emergency contact" and also there was a little confusion as to his account status and joining it with mine - I asked if he just wanted his to be separate and he said no, it can be together, that's fine - So we go to work out and I just told him I would be on the treadmill if he needed me and left him go to do his own thing - he ended up coming and getting on the treadmill next to mine a few mins later - while we were walking he told me a little about his weekend - said he went and did this one attraction - this too was very challenging to put on a happy face about because he knows that i had wanted to do that forever, so yet again, something else that he did with someone else/other people and not me - then he went to do some machines on his own and so did i, but then came back over to me and we did a few machines together - then we left - on way home he chatted away and I told him "thank you for getting me to the gym tonight" - we get home and he sits down at bar with phone and starts texting - i went to my room at that point - most often i just want to smash that phone - i go back to kitchen a few mins later to get a drink - he says "do you want to go to the hot tub?", so i said ok - got bathing suit on and go out of bedroom to leave - then knocks on my door and has a new shirt on that he bought over weekend, asks my opinion on it - then takes shirt off and H is standing in dining room shirtless looking in mirror and flexing - i stop and say playfully/flirty "checking it out again, huh?" - and he says "yeah, come look, i am starting to see some lines in my stomach" - so i start looking and then felt a rush of emotion and muttered as i was walking away "i can't keep looking at you like that" and felt my eyes watering - he says "what? what did you say? just say it?" but i know he heard me - then when i turned around he saw the tear welling up in my eye and he says "are you crying?" - i put the biggest smile on my face and said "no" - he says you are such a liar - but i gathered my composure and walked out into the garage before he could catch up to me and see my emotion - we walked to pool/hot tub together - talked/laughed/joked while we were there - told me about a funny movie he had seen over weekend as well - i didn't ask who he was with and he didn't offer - no R talk - came back home - watched tv together for a while - H didn't have phone around - then both got up to go to bed - said good-nights and off to our bedrooms

i am having the hardest time with him and his new "fun" life - trying to put on a happy face when he is telling me about all these things he is doing and i am not a part of them and that was one of my biggest sources of contention with him in the past, that i would always want to go and do things with him and he wouldn't want to do anything either out of laziness or would blame it on money or whatever - I recently took the LL quiz and found that my primary LL is "quality time" - so no wonder i feel like going crazy every time i have to hear him telling me about all these fun things he is doing now - nevermind, having to constantly try and shut down the part of my brain that starts imagining who he is with as well - this is when i have the hardest time with patience and trying to pull myself back up - get my PMA back - sometimes it seems so overwhelming and hopeless - i also am wondering if he is ok with just thinking of me as his friend now and/or just using me for the times he is home as a buddy or someone to be around/hang out with so he is not lonely?????

Today - not home tonight - don't expect him to be - have had NC at all today - i swear he must think in his head "had a good night at home last night, must run away today."