In-house Separation - Need advice on my DBing

[aflowergurlie]

Yesterday - I had dinner ready when H got home - as he was coming through the kitchen we exchanged pleasant hello's - he was happy about the dinner i had made - he show me this souvenir glass that he got from a fun restaurant he went to over the weekend & a new pair of shorts he bought, asked if i liked them - i kinda hung out in the kitchen as he chatted with me and started eating his dinner, he sat at the bar instead of going into the living room and turning on the tv - i went to my room for a few minutes and came back to kitchen to get something - he asked me about what time the gym I go to closes and then he asked if i wanted to go with him - he had never been to this gym with me before, even though he has had free access for the past year and it is only 10 mins from where we live - i had asked him on several occasions to go with me (prior to our in-house separation) - so it was definitely a big source of irritation when he joined another gym a few months ago that he has to pay for every month and is about 30 mins away - he works out with a group of male co-workers and buddies, which I get because he is the type of person who hates to do things alone/be alone and relies on others for support - so on one hand, i don't mind that he does this because it is boosting his self-confidence and a healthy thing for his body - but it has sucked that he spends so much time with all these other people now, with no room for me, despite my asking for so long for him to join me in doing the same things that he has started doing now - anyways, we are leaving and he says to me "You don't have to drive your own car, you can ride with me there." So I said ok and rode with him (only 2nd time since May i have rode anywhere with him) - As we are pulling out of the driveway, he puts his seatbelt on - He NEVER would wear his seatbelt, despite my asking him to for many years and then I gave up and didn't ask him to anymore because it irritated him - so as we are driving, i ask him "Since when do you wear a seatbelt?" - he replied that he and his brother are really trying to be good about wearing it now because the cops are getting much more strict about pulling people over for it and they don't have to have any other reason to pull you over except for that now - I'm not really sure that I am buying that explanation, but, whatever - I just replied "Well it's good that you're wearing it." and left it at that - We get to the gym and he has to fill out some paperwork - After he finished he said "I put you as my emergency contact" and also there was a little confusion as to his account status and joining it with mine - I asked if he just wanted his to be separate and he said no, it can be together, that's fine - So we go to work out and I just told him I would be on the treadmill if he needed me and left him go to do his own thing - he ended up coming and getting on the treadmill next to mine a few mins later - while we were walking he told me a little about his weekend - said he went and did this one attraction - this too was very challenging to put on a happy face about because he knows that i had wanted to do that forever, so yet again, something else that he did with someone else/other people and not me - then he went to do some machines on his own and so did i, but then came back over to me and we did a few machines together - then we left - on way home he chatted away and I told him "thank you for getting me to the gym tonight" - we get home and he sits down at bar with phone and starts texting - i went to my room at that point - most often i just want to smash that phone - i go back to kitchen a few mins later to get a drink - he says "do you want to go to the hot tub?", so i said ok - got bathing suit on and go out of bedroom to leave - then knocks on my door and has a new shirt on that he bought over weekend, asks my opinion on it - then takes shirt off and H is standing in dining room shirtless looking in mirror and flexing - i stop and say playfully/flirty "checking it out again, huh?" - and he says "yeah, come look, i am starting to see some lines in my stomach" - so i start looking and then felt a rush of emotion and muttered as i was walking away "i can't keep looking at you like that" and felt my eyes watering - he says "what? what did you say? just say it?" but i know he heard me - then when i turned around he saw the tear welling up in my eye and he says "are you crying?" - i put the biggest smile on my face and said "no" - he says you are such a liar - but i gathered my composure and walked out into the garage before he could catch up to me and see my emotion - we walked to pool/hot tub together - talked/laughed/joked while we were there - told me about a funny movie he had seen over weekend as well - i didn't ask who he was with and he didn't offer - no R talk - came back home - watched tv together for a while - H didn't have phone around - then both got up to go to bed - said good-nights and off to our bedrooms

i am having the hardest time with him and his new "fun" life - trying to put on a happy face when he is telling me about all these things he is doing and i am not a part of them and that was one of my biggest sources of contention with him in the past, that i would always want to go and do things with him and he wouldn't want to do anything either out of laziness or would blame it on money or whatever - I recently took the LL quiz and found that my primary LL is "quality time" - so no wonder i feel like going crazy every time i have to hear him telling me about all these fun things he is doing now - nevermind, having to constantly try and shut down the part of my brain that starts imagining who he is with as well - this is when i have the hardest time with patience and trying to pull myself back up - get my PMA back - sometimes it seems so overwhelming and hopeless - i also am wondering if he is ok with just thinking of me as his friend now and/or just using me for the times he is home as a buddy or someone to be around/hang out with so he is not lonely?????

Today - not home tonight - don't expect him to be - have had NC at all today - i swear he must think in his head "had a good night at home last night, must run away today."

[aflowergurlie]

Wednesday - Well I woke up yesterday morning, was in my bathroom and heard the sound of water being turned on somewhere else in the house which freaked me out - Go and look and H's bathroom door was shut and the light was on - Couldn't believe he was home - I had been in and out of sleep since like 6:00 that morning, so I knew he had had to come home during the night sometime, not in the morning - very surprised because he hasn't done that in months - Stayed in my room though & heard him leave for work - later in the morning I got a call from H - again, surprised by this, but very unsure as to what he'd be calling me for so I didn't answer - he didn't leave a message so I thought it must not have been anything important or figured he would just talk to me later - 15 mins later I get a text from him asking if I wanted to go the gym with him that night - so I waited about 45 mins to text him back with "have a few things going on tonight but think I can squeeze in a workout" - then got a couple more texts from him to confirm what time - I went home for lunch and he was just passing me down the street - he turned around and followed me back to the house and just reconfirmed the gym and time and even asked if I was going to ride with him or just meet him there - I said I would meet him there - (had a few errands to go run after work) - about 15 mins before time we were supposed to meet, another text from him "are we still on for the gym?" - replied I was already there and where he could meet me inside - he came right on time (a big surprise from him, he's ALWAYS late) - during workout he was acting kinda like my very own personal trainer and we stayed together the entire time (this is something i have always wanted from him and has never happened before) - one of the problems we had at the end of last year/beginning of this year, was that I was working out with a male friend of mine (not a friend of his) who was personally training me as well - H didn't like it and so I stopped - but then I needed a quick refresher back in April to get me remotivated in my gym routine - told H that same day I had been to gym with my friend and H replied instantly and very sarcastically "Did you sleep with him too?" - I was taken aback by this because H is not a jealous person at all - So I knew he must really not like me doing that from that comment - So I haven't been to the gym with my friend since, even though over the past couple months I have been very tempted to call him and start having him train me again because of everything that has gone down with H - So we get done with gym and are leaving - I tell H I'm going to grocery store, ask if he needs anything - He says well why don't we just go home first and then we can go a little later - So I agreed - Went home - H was on phone when I pulled in behind him and he stayed in garage for about 10-15 mins on phone call - Then was texting for a few mins - Got showered and changed - Leaving for grocery store, H says you don't have to drive separate car, you can ride with me - So I said Ok - During grocery shopping he was texting a few times & walked away to text a couple of times - I found myself screaming inside of my head "THIS SUCKS!!!! I want to know who he is texting and what he is saying and why he is doing this! I was ready to just scream out at him right there "I can't take this anymore!" and walk out of the store and never see or talk to him again." But then I gathered myself together, forced myself to remember that this is gonna require enormous strength, patience, and time - I can do this - I am strong - baby steps - PMA - Act As If - so I took a deep breath, I put a smile back on my face and I kept pushing the cart - Then, in his talking while we were shopping I was even more surprised when he told me where he had been the night before (with his brother), what they did and what time he got home - I never ask him any questions so this was all purely voluntary info from him - Of course, I'm believing none of what he says and only half of what he does, but I'm not sure that that applied in this particular instance - Got home, put groceries away - He hung out in kitchen with me while I ate at the bar - He texted a few times and then put phone on bar counter face up - H turned tv on in living room - I got in pj's came back out to living room and watched tv with him for a lil while - H started falling asleep - I got up to go to bed - He woke up and asked if I was going to bed, then said good-night.

What I am fearing the most right now:
- His motives. Why is he being so nice to me and spending time with me? Is it just so that he isn't bored and lonely when he has to be home during the week? Is it so I'll be more amicable in splitting our things later on when I'm supposed to move out? Is he trying to help me lose the rest of my weight now so someone else will be attracted to me and he will be rid of me so he can go and be happy with the OW and with less guilt? Does he really just want to be my friend forever and have a completely platonic relationship from here on out? These are just some of the crazy ass things that run through my head in trying to make some sort of sense out of a whole bunch of nonsense. Anyone who would like to interject their thoughts or opinions - it would be greatly appreciated.

- @

[TrentC]

- I too have been buying lingerie! So funny! Sexy new bras and undies - taking full advantage of the Victoria Secret coupons and Fredericks catalogs coming into the house. Definitely makes me feel sexy, like I have a little secret and helps me display a little mystery in my demeanor.
- Oh! I bought some two-piece bathing suits - have only had one-pieces and haven't worn one in a long time because of weight - but feeling way more comfortable with my body now and decided it was time to "strut my stuff, show off my progress"

OK, it's times like this that I wish guys had more options along those lines.

Or am I missing some obvious ideas?

[aflowergurlie]

Lol! Here are two websites that I have found to be the best for guyswear: http://www.teddygirl.com/mensitems.html and http://www.3wishes.com/menscollection.asp

Some of the stuff is a little out there, but there are some tasteful and spicy possibilities as well.

Have fun!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

New cologne.

New shoes.

Chicks dig both. And NOTICE both.

Puppy

[aflowergurlie]

Very true!

[TrentC]

Actually, I did buy some aftershave last week. (I never wear aftershave.)

I'll look at those sites aflowergirlie mentioned, but probably not at work or while my wife is around...

[aflowergurlie]

New topic created 09/24/09:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1844494