Hoping WAW will someday see through the fog....

[sandi2]

Hi Shell, I'm Sandi. I was an almost WAW......like your wife. I was in an EA with OM. I never met OM face to face.....it was an Internet A (which really makes me sick to tell that), but it is the condition I had gotten myself into at that time.

I did not leave my M and I want you to realize that there is a wonderful chance that your W will not leave. But, you are living in fear and you are not using the tools you need during this difficult time in your life. You have to do what seems would be the opposite thing one would do in these circumstances. It will not feel normal at first, but you will learn as you go.

My H was the nicest of nice guys! When he first discovered about my EA, he smothered me with his attention and trying to "win" me.......and I could not stand it! The more he pursued me, the more I disliked him........and forget about sleeping with him or ML. But do you know what would have just shocked me to death and would have jerked my head around to make me see how stupid I was being about having thoughts of walking away from my H? If my H would have had the attitude of-- "Yeah, you know...come to think of it, I believe it would be great to be single, and I think I'll start living that way and enjoying myself for a change"! If he would have acted like "he" was considering leaving our M b/c it would have been what "he" wanted, I think I would have forgotten all about OM, and my focus would have been all on my H. Can you see what I am saying here? It was all about me...but if he had acted as if he wanted to be "free" of me, then my focus would have been completely turned around and on him instead of myself.

WAW's are totally selfish in their thinking and will put themselves over their children and parents....everyone. It shocks H's to learn what their WAW has become, but she is not the girl you M and you must not be thinking of her as being the way she used to be.

Your W doesn't know what she wants! That is why she's coming up with all these stupid ideas. You are scared stiff....and it shows! You won't keep your mouth closed and you continue to try to "reason" with her. WAW's cannot be reasoned with! They have no logic! After you were told NOT to talk to her about D or S.....you OFFERED to let her take your children and live in an apartment for 9 months! It is this kind of action that will ruin your chances of reconciling and having a great R. Do not "help" or "offer" anything like that again, okay?

You were told not to rescue her and to be tough and not do ANYTHING that would aid her in leaving. What part of that did you not understand? Look, don't brag about being a nice guy. There have been a lot of nice guys on the board....and they all talk about how they are just to "nice" to do that (whatever) to their WAW. Well, let me tell you.....your WAW will walk all over you and kiss your nice a$$ goodbye and never look back.....and do you know why? B/c she doesn't respect "nice". Oh, she likes a nice boss, nice friends, nice neighbors, pastor, whatever......but she does not want a nice-guy husband. Does that not make sense? No, I guess not. Okay........go to the bookstore and find a cheesy romance novel for about six bucks and you will find out what most W's want in a man. Writer's get rich off that stuff b/c they know what women fantasize about.....and it's not a nice guy sweeping them up in his arms to carry off to perfumed silky sheets to have his way with her. So, are you fed up with me talking about nice guys yet? Okay. But, do you get the picture?

So, you are going to have to get tough, be tough, stay tough. Tough does not mean abusive. It does not mean obnoxious. A woman wants a man to show strength and decisiveness. She wants to know that he will stand up to her and refuses to be bullied or emotionally blackmailed. She needs to know that he is strong enough to take care of her and her children regardless of what disaster may hit them. She can lean on him and afford to fall apart in his arms. She doesn't have to be the strong one that carries the responsibilities of the family b/c he's there and he'll do it. (Not that she doesn't have her part, but this is her "thinking".) She wants a man who knows when to be gentle and kind--but also knows when to call her on her BS.

More than likely, your W will never tell you all of this....so I will. She wants you to know this and to be this. You can still be "you" and be this man. You can be a good man.....but it depends upon how you see "good". Is good allowing her to have her way about everything? No, that is allowing her to walk on you. A wife will walk on her H if he doesn't put a stop to it. It is kind of like kids who disrespect adults who won't be strict at the appropriate times. So, does this all sound clear as mud? I am not trying to get you to be mean, and I hope you won't go too far the opposite direction......and keep things balanced here.

A wife must respect her H before she can admire him & love him. You want your W to be sexually attracted to you.......not to have sex as a physical release! What will it take for your W to be attracted to you? I can think of a few ways but I have made a very long post, so I will go for now, but I'll be back and see how you are doing. You already have several supporting you and that will help. It is a hard journey, but your M can be saved so don't give up.