WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

I didn't want it to go this way, but I think she is playing you. I was hoping that my gut feeling was wrong and that she was seeing the mistake she'd made and was trying to warm up to you. But, I think you had the right word......"butter" up is more like it.

One of the thoughts that have been coming into my radar was to just point blank ask her: Why are you being friendly? What is your end goal? Is to better co-parent or is it because you want to reconcile or see what could happen?

If I do "put myself out there", how do I do it without looking totally pathetic with respect to being willing to try again considering all that she's done. I guess there is an ego component getting in the way as well. I think that's also is what's getting in my own way of trusting her again so that I would be really willing to try/trust.

I know I can't keep my head buried in the sand. We're 15 months from the divorce from being finalized (I can finalize it within 30 days by signing the papers). Either way, what's best for me and the boys, regardless of her answer is that I am going to wait the 15 months.

So, by asking her the question, in hindsight I should have asked during that 3.5 hour call last Friday when she was starting to show some remorse, I can at least figure out how to proceed. If she says no, it's divorce all the way, then I know what I need to do. If she says she doesn't know, I guess I'm back to being confused in PA.

If she says she wants to see what happens, I need to find it in me to make the leap of faith to trust her. Then I could try and talk with her more often - chit chat/friendly type stuff and follow the DB approach of no relationship talks. Then again, that's what I was doing before I found out and it wasn't getting me anywhere.

So I keep talking myself back into circles. So do I or don't I ask why she is trying to be "friendly"......

BTW, don't be surprised if she doesn't play the sex card some night.

The bad part of it was that before I found out, I would have been very happy about that possibility. Now, it actually disgust me......

So, is that part of detachment?!?!?

Or is it still anger....