Help Me Bust My Divorce

[antlers]

Hi Fightin4mywife.

For right now, you need to stay the same distance from her that she is to you (this keeps the pressure off). You need to 'lovingly detatch'. She tells you these mean things to hurt you and speed up the process of her emotional healing at your expense. It's hard to let things happen instead of us trying to force destiny and make it happen. Patience is everything. Learn it, live it. It's gonna take a long, long time for her to heal. Don't be afraid...love is the antidote for fear, so start by loving yourself. I'd say in the face of her anger, treat her with unconditional love, dignity, and respect. Don't put any pressure on her, and don't have any expectations about the relationship. You need to continue to improve yourself, become a better man and a better father and a better partner. Regardless of anything else, you need to do these things. Develop compassion, a genuine sympathy for her hurts and the will to help remove the pain. BTW, you need to have the same strong compassion towards yourself. Remember, the Golden Rule is based on the premise that you 'love yourself'! Maybe you feel like a part of you has been removed, but that's only a feeling and it will pass if you'll let it. You're in a difficult situation...and this will be the defining episode of your lifetime. Take the long-term view instead of the short-term view. Develop a positive state of mind. You have to continually work on these things. Develop patience and tolerance. You need to buckle in for a long ride. She's at a really bad place in her life right now...and now is the time for you to show her what kind of man and father you really are. It's gonna take a really long time. You need to bounce back like a rubber ball. Don't crowd her, don't push her, and be patient. Demonstrate that you can change, for NO OTHER REASON than because this is something you needed to do...regardless of how things turn out. Be happy and pleasant. If she learns to trust you again, over a very long period of time, it will take consistency on your part. Remember that hurting people say hurtful things. She needs space, time, and forgiveness to develop her sense of self-worth and individualism...give her the space and time that she needs. You have NO CONTROL over her thoughts, feelings, or actions...so don't bother. You do have complete control over your own thoughts, feelngs, and actions...so exercise the only control that you do have. You hold her in high regard, and she's gonna trample on your heart...because you've already trampled on her heart for her to get to this point. Understand that. Become a man that only a fool would leave, focus on yourself...it's not selfish either. It's survival and self-improvement. Show compassion, and make a firm committment to improve. Leave her alone, and take the pressure off. Become the best listener in the world. Remember that anger protects her from vulnerability...shed it like water off a ducks back.
I myself was insensitive to my wife's perspective and it created a marriage in which she had to walk on eggshells. I made her feel unseen, unheard, and unattractive...like she didn't exist! I made her feel disregarded, devalued, and rejected. I didn't realize that compassion was the lifeblood of families. I was full of resentment, anger, and abuse (verbal and emotional). It was a total failure of compassion on my part. I should have promoted compassion because it's the only reliable prevention of resentment, anger, and abuse.
Treat her with value, respect, and compassion...it's in the best interests of your kids, your wife, and yourself.
Our wives have every right to be resentful and angry, and to express it and to stay with it for as long as they want...they walked on eggshells for so long! Don't give in to despair, and don't give up. Your wife doesn't believe that you can change and act differently...if you do, she won't believe that you'll keep it up. Action plus time equals her believing in your changes. Be consistent in words and actions, and keep yourself strong and healthy. Don't chase her.
One other piece of advice that I'll offer is this...read 'Love Without Hurt' by Steven Stosny. It's the single best thing that I've done. Good luck to you, Fightin4mywife. Read up on the Stockdale Principle also...it's short and to the point.


Sincerily,

antlers