Seems natural to me, Orchid, that you'd feel angry about getting the D papers. I think I would too. OK to let yourself feel it. Not sure what you said in the email, but you've been more than nice to H. Maybe he needed to understand how hurt you really were/are.
Get some sleep - things will seem better in the morning.
Hi MJ and mnt_dreams....thanks girls....you were right...so what?
I wrote him that I didn't want anything expensive for my birthday. And then I said it really makes me mad that he brings up my test every time I ask him about plans for the future. The idiot cannot make a decision more than 2 seconds ahead of himself. He is the exact opposite of the man I knew. For God's sake, make a decision. I know I'm not supposed to press him and I have NOT pressed since that first week after he gave me the papers....but, for some reason I am angry.
He has email/texted/called me 5 times since last tueday. He told me he is having dreams about me. He told me he misses me. And yet, I am reacting to all this with ANGER.
He called me within 15 min of me writing that email....and we talked for almost an hour. I feel almost worse about it, cuz he apologized for putting me thru so much stress.
He said he will think of something creative and thoughtful for my birthday present instead of just spending money. He apologized if I felt offended.....said he wasn't trying to upset me even though it may have seemed like it on text. SIGH.
I asked him to start thinking about what he is going to do for thanksgiving bc I have that entire weekend off. He said he will try....I told him I didn't think it was fair for him to expect me to face my issues when he is procrastinating his own growth.
He agreed and said he will try....WHATEVER!! That means "yeah, yeah, next"
Anyways, why did I react so emotionally to him? Its my own mistake. If I am struggling I should have written on this board....Instead, I reacted to my emotions of that time instead of thinking, waiting, thinking and then acting.
I won't do that again. I have promised myself that next time I have any emotional reaction to him, I will just write here first. I was doing so well with him....I just reminded him of the old me....emotional and needy. AHHH!
Needy bc I have signed up to take my exam in November and I am scared cuz I am exhausted usually and now I have to come home and study. I was commenting on that exact fact and that it was going to be difficult...and its stressing me out. And then I came home yesterday and got the final divorce papers. Signed, Sealed, and Delivered. Sigh.
On the other hand I'm not perfect, right? HA!! Today all day I wondered what the heck happened to me....can't really figure it out. I feel very emotional these days...and exhausted. Not sure but it may have all just added together yesterday. Who knows.
Anyways thanks for your support. Here is to a better day tomorrow. Hope you both are doing well.
It sounds like you recovered quite nicely from the email. Mmm... Interesting... I wonder what xH will come up with for your B-Day.
So you are making plans for Thanksgiving already. Do you think/want to spend it with him? That is still several months away... Remember what I said about Mr. Wonderful... You may run into him at any time. Maybe Mr. Wonderful could be a new and improved xH. It really doesn't sound like things are that bad between you.
Stick to your plan and remember what you said about coming here and venting first. Thanks for the Kudo's on my thread by the way. I have been going through some really rough waters recently. BUT, haven't we all. It was so hard sticking to my plan of not getting into a talk with him. I feel it would have been disaster. Besides all I have ever read says not to. He probably went running like a two year old to my attorney saying I wouldn't talk to him. I'm surprised I haven't heard from her today. She wouldn't understand the treatment of an MLCer I don't think.
Anyway... Did you make yourself something good to eat tonight? Oh, and don't forget the MLC parade. Your joining us right?! I thought at first we could sit on the curb and watch them go by. BUT, why not participate by holding the banner and throwing those atomic fireballs. It's the least we can do after all they've done for us right!
I am totally ACTIVELY participating in the parade!!!!
Guess what? He had called at 5pm to see how my day was?? Who is this guy? I called back like half hour ago and left message and he just called back. He was making me laugh so much..... I am definately "involved" with a strange man! What does that say about me??? And then he abruptly said "Ok, gotta go". I just kept my cool said "later" and hung up before he could think.
I am not going to get into any sort of conversation with him at all! Superficial is good...great actually. If and when he is ready, it will happen. If not, ANOTHER Mr. Wonderful may be waiting. I hope it is the new and improved exH, but reality is I am 90% not getting him back. I know it, just forgot it for a couple of days. This thing with him seems like a long shot - at best. I need to concentrate on myself again. I am doing ok today. AND MJ...I am totally going to use this board to vent and not keep things bottled up inside and then blow up at him. He deserves it, but its not useful to my end goal!
Good job rebounding! I like your plan to come here to vent vs. contacting XH right now.
The way you described the contact today with laughter and then a quick 'gotta go' reminds me of relationships early on. No pressure, no big commitments... just having some fun. Hope you can enjoy the superficial stuff, and see it as fun flirtations and you'll just see what happens. If it doesn't work out, no biggie!
I think some exercise would help you with your PMA. Check out that women's only gym, or go for a walk at lunch... something to get your endorphines going. It will help! Have a good night!
I was starting to feel as if I was going crazy....but u are right, I guess its like the beginning of a relationship. I have always hated this part of a relationship. I'm good long term...its hard for me to relax and just be and enjoy the superficial....You really put it perfectly. I will have to think of this concept a bit. I'm not sure I know how to just enjoy the superficial....
You are right about the exercise too....it would really help me right now....a lot! I am going to try to get 20 min in today.
I took the day off....I'm considering it a mental health day! I'm exhausted, I finished the most pressing work and then just came home....I'm taking today and tomorrow off! I feel bad, but at the same time...I just need some shut eye and home cooked food and a 30 min walk! I want some time....I don't know who it was that told me...but when exH first gave me the papers, I wasn't working and I remember I was complaining I had too much time.....and now its the exact opposite!! HA! Be careful what you ask for, right?
I'm in a PMA, just physically tired....I'm just gonna do nothing all day....and then tonight, I can start cleaning up my apartment. I am normally so CLEAN....and now, I have dishes piling up, bathroom is a mess, carpet needs vacuuming, etc...
Ok....I am going to stop feeling guilty and just enjoy myself. I will not be able to do this next month at all. And I have that test to start studying for as well....AHHHH!!!!!
AND...btw..MJ, I guess xH could be coming back into my life....I am hoping, but you know something...I don't trust him anymore. We are starting out more negavtive (from my end) than when we started out. SIGH. Its stressful feeling this way about him. I have 2 sides battling inside me...one that wants him back for sure and the other that wouldn't touch him, let alone trust him, with a ten foot pole!
That's why even being superfically chatty is more frustrating for me than fun. How can you have "fun" with a person who has done a 180 on you already and has showed you that he does NOT trust you. HOW????
Its almost better for ME if we just don't talk. But, then I start missing him too...GOD only knows....how confused I'm starting to feel. How does one go about doing this? I think I need to find a book on rebuilding after a Divorce and how to deal with resentment and trust issues...I don't know.
Ok. I swear, I am not going to think about anything....just watch some tv, make a lunch and take a nap!
I just want some normalcy in my life again. I was thinking that i had been a bit tough on him this last week and so today I thought I would send him a little flirty email....as we are in the phase of "trying".
His response was that he does not think of me in this way...and its been so long since we had been that way that he just doesn't really have a response. But, he is recognizing that this is an issue and he is working on it. I said "how?" he says, "well, recognizing that this is a problem is the first real step, I think?"
OH REALLY!!!!!!!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??????? THIS IS TRYING?
I give up. How could I have felt that I was being unfair to HIM?????? What is wrong with me? I actually have compassion for this man who has divorced me for no reason at all AND now I have had to listen to how he is not really attracted to me. WONDERFUL. NOT much I can do about this. If he is not attracted to me, well........I guess that is that.
And on the other hand, he's an MLCer, why believe anything that he says....he is not magically going to come out of this....How to get him into counselling or something more productive than him living a million miles away and "trying".
To be honest, it hurt my ego to know that I can't even flirt with this man any longer. OUCH! On the other hand, I asked for it....why did I initiate anything.....sigh.
Life goes on and on and on...I will be strong and strong and stronger!
