This week is surreal. I'm doing pretty well with my dad's death. I cry occasionally, but he had been ill since July so I guess it gave us some time to process and think about life after he passed. My mom is amazing and so strong. She's wearing pink to the funeral b/c she wants to celebrate his life. I had a black sleeveless dress picked out, but I'm rethinking that too.
A little contact with H this week. Thinking about what antlers said about being assertive, I decided there's a little unfinished biz. I sent a text that I had some things from the house to bring him (I want his stuff out of sight, thus out of mind) and retrieve my house key and remote. So, that's Thursday I will take a couple boxes over.
Last night I sent a message asking when he is going to file. He had said he'd file before he moved to the mountains, but if he's not moving bc he's with OW (that's 2nd/3rd hand info), then what's he waiting for? I'm not going to be nasty, but I'd like to know if he's going to file.
Another thought I've been wrestling with this week is whether I should file myself. There are the financial issues that I can get outlined in a separation agreement but I've been fighting this anger all week. I don't want to have a knee-jerk reaction to my H's lack of contact with my parents during my dad's hospitalization. But I have been angry this week that he didn't reach out. I don't want to be with this guy. My old sweet H, you bet, but I don't respect and can't comprehend this guy's actions.
So, we'll see if he responds. I am going to start a divorce-recovery workshop tonight for 6 weeks. I really didn't want to move ahead, but it feels right. I continue to let go and let God handle things. If He wants us together, it will happen. If not, I'm moving forward.
Doing a little more with my old guy friend. He is fun to be with, and actually came to sit with me at the hospice when I stayed overnight with my dad. Just sat there for an hour and cried with me. I'll take it slow, b/c I realize I'm vulnerable with the death of my dad and the sitch with H. But it's nice to have someone to hang out with.
I'm sorry about your dad. He sounded like a good man.
Keep the same distance from him that he keeps from you. This keeps the pressure off. You, keep working on you.
Maybe he doesn't know himself, if he's gonna file! This is where patience comes in...are you at the point where something needs to happen...one way or the other? If not...then leave it alone.
If you don't want a divorce...then don't file. The ONLY reason to file should be because YOU want a divorce. Don't use it as a tool for something other than that.
That's a good, strong, positive attitude.
It's nice to have friends.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I hope you are doing well today. I know each day can bring its own set of emotions. I'm glad you are handling the loss of your dad in such a great way. Still....
I was just thinking about you and so thought I would write.
Also, would agree with antlers....no sudden moves...esp at a time of significant pain and loss. No matter how prepped you are, I think losing a parent is just...difficult.
And so try not to make any decisions right now...
Concentrate on you and keeping that PMA. Your'e doing great!
It is such a rollercoaster. I've lost the two most significant men in my life this year. I have to be careful... yes, no sudden moves. Thx for helping me think rationally when I just can't.
Update - have talked to H a little more this week. Took a box of odds and ends to him yesterday and ran into his dad and mutual friends. I was nice to H and offered him one of my dad's bow-ties for the service tmrw. We thought it'd be nice if some of the men Dad knew wore his old ties. I said "I don't know if you're planning to come to the svc, but if so, do you want a tie - up to you". And he smiled and took a bright red one. My GF doesn't think he's planning to come, and I'm doing my very best not to obsess about why that would be. It just is.
Also texted H earlier this wk about when he planned to file. He wrote back that he had the pwk but no $ to file. I said "when you do, you don't have to serve me. I'll sign". He said "I wasn't going to have you served b/c I don't think that's very nice". I said "Thx. Maybe we can get through this and still be friends. Who knows".
I felt good about the exchange b/c the filing was on on my mind and I decided just to ask instead of just wondering. I thought he was nice and maybe it's a baby step to improving our relations. Then, when I saw him yesterday it seemed like he wasn't as quick to turn and stop the talking. I made a little small talk with him and his dad, and then walked away first to talk with other friends. So... it felt good.
I feel more confident and powerful. Letting H's fav t-shirt go (which I slept in the 1st month or so after the bomb) and old greeting cards/notes, and books wasn't too hard. I wanted to keep the t-shirt, but felt like I needed to just give him everything back.
For now, we are done. The future is unknown, but I feel confident it will be fulfilling for me and my kids. That's really all I want to focus on. Looking forward, not back.
Still looking forward. The service was nice on Sat. H did attend, but stood in the back. I'm glad he came b/c I think it would have been a regret later on. But no contact with H at the church, or since.
Went back to work today. Good to be busy.
Goal: my sister and I are going to train for a quarter triathlon. Today I had to swim for ten mins, and run for 20. Initially it didn't sound too bad, but the swimming was hard!!! So, this will be a good goal for me and help with my PMA.
Still no D filed... just living in limbo land and feeling pretty comfortable being by myself and becoming the best me I can be.
I would agree with you.....you are doing well being on your own and becoming the best you! You have had the craziest few months since I have gotten to know you. I think you are so strong to be handling it with such dignity and pride in yourself.
I also think training for a quarter or any triathlon is AMAZING!!! I think swimming is the hardest all sports for some reason...as little as half a lap can seriously tire you out! I have been thinking of joining this gym for women that is 2 min from my house...they have a pool and it seems like a great way get some good exercise in...cuz, I will admit, I have been doing very badly on that front since I started working. YOU are inspiring!!
I know limbo land is hard....but, on the other hand, I think every single day since this entire process began is hard. You have held up so well....just keep hanging tough.
Just wanted to say hi and was thinking about you today....have a great evening, my friend!
I'm recovering... my son's best friend died last Sat from a seizure. They were bball teammates and very close. His parents are devastated. I think I was just rebounding from my dad's death and then this. The boy was a wonderful friend, athlete and all-around good person. This is homecoming week, so the kids are honoring their friend lots of ways at school. The football game is tonight, dance tmrw, and the service on Sunday in the gym.
As far as me, I guess I'm okay but exhausted. I've spent most every evening at the family's house trying to be helpful and supportive. I think it's postponing my own grief for my dad, but the two deaths are so different. This one is much harder to understand as he was just 16 with the rest of his life ahead of him.
I'm trying to figure out why so much has happened this year. Was I too comfortable with my life and taking things for granted? I don't know, but I do see that I have to appreciate what I've got right now b/c nothing is permanent. S's leave, people die, and we have to learn something from the experience, remember the good and work for a better tmrw.
