Infidelity

[sandi2]

I'm glad you talked more about your feelings toward the MR and my heart goes out to you. Your love language is apparently different from his. Have you read the Five Languages of Love from Gary Smalley? It might help you know how to better communicate with your H. When my H and I were first M, I yearned to have him open up and "talk" to me. But he did not know how to talk. His LL was physical touch, like you say yours is. I thought all men's were physical touch, so I still waited for my H to talk, but he simply did not know how. Somehow, the two of you will have to try to learn how to speak the other one's LL.....and it will probably have to start with you. You said you did not want small talk or just about the kids....and then go to separate bedrooms. Does that mean that you don't really care for much of any kind of talk with your H? You just consider what goes on in the bedroom as being the intimate part or the.......(don't know how to say it).......the part that counts? Just trying to understand where you are coming from. How did the two of you communicate before all the trouble started? Was there ever a problem communicating before?

Please don't look at DBing as "game playing" b/c it is very serious. It is a technique that has to be learned and just b/c it is not your particular way of working at a R does not mean it is not "real". I understand what you mean about being upfront about everything. I am also. I just want to lay my cards on the table and get down to business. I think that talking takes care of a lot of things....or at least I "used" to think that. I learned that in many cases, talking hurts more than it helps.

Dbing is not a game. It is about human nature. We humans want what we can't have. Also, "if your H is going through a MLC, then you will need to know what to do b/c it is not something that he'll get through in a few months. However, if he's a WAH, then he could get over the A fairy quickly if he sees what a gem he has in his W. Your job is to show him that he truly does have a fantastic wife and he would be a utter fool for ever leaving you.

What I have suggested is not just some idea of how to win a H back, but how to re-discover yourself. Be honest. Do you feel that you have lost a part of yourself over the years of raising a family and being M? We all do that b/c we get so busy giving and caring for others and if we're not careful, life takes a toll on us. So many LBS find themselves while they are setting about to become the best they can be. So, even if the M doesn't make it, the LBS feels confident that they will be okay. They feel good about themselves. I can tell you aren't feeling very good right now, and that is normal considering what is going on. What DB teaches you is how to stop placing all your focus on your S and to look at the other people and other areas of your life. It teaches you to become interesting as a person and to appreciate your life and those around you. It teaches you to be fun and even a bit mysterious. Can you honestly say that you are still the same girl that your H fell in love with? Wouldn't you like to find her again? Maybe we won't ever be exactly like that again, but we can be even better!

So, I hope you will think of DBing as your new tools. In fact, we tell people that your WAS is not to know anything about your new tools or it loses the entire affect. He doesn't need to see your computer's history of where/when you've been here on the board. He doesn't need to see any M books lying around the house. For him to know what or why you do what you're doing--completely defeats the whole thing. I think I may have mentioned before that you aren't to try to get him to read books about M, etc. He would look at that the same as you talking about the MR.

I think I would feel the same way as you do about an A. In my case, I was the WAS. I didn't have a PA, and my H forgave me.....but I know I hurt him so badly. That is another reason I urged you not to get into any hurry about making a decision. I read where somebody said that when you leave, you can't take that back. You don't get a do-over. I think they meant that in some M's, the S won't take you back. So, be sure of what you want to do before you do it. It's better to endure going to separate rooms rather than be sorry for moving out and then can't go back.

In your first post, you said you asked your H to leave, but this time you said you told him. I often wondered how you'd force a man out of his home if he didn't want to leave.

Sorry you didn't get that job, if that's what you wanted, but you don't talk like it really was. It does sound suspicious the way your H keeps asking about it. Could it be that he's simply trying to think of something to talk about? Amnyway, I hope you can continue to be the homemaker you want to be. Have you thought about what you'll do when your children are grown and out of the home? It hits women hard who have poured all they have into raising their kids and then find themselves without anything to do.