Bewildered

[KiwiMan]

Hi All,

I feel I need to share my story and see what you all think.

I found this site after searching everywhere about what I can do in this situation. I have ordered the Divorce Remedy book and hopefully will arrive in the next few days. I have already read "The magic of making up" and it has helped a bit. I will let you all know the story now.

About a week before my Wife walked away, she said she felt lost, didn't know herself anymore and that she loved me to pieces but doesn't think she is in love with me anymore. Now, there are no other guys, and she has said that she feels like she could do without a relationship or other guys for the rest of her life and says that she feels like she just doesn't need a relationship at the moment. She runs her own business and is very busy, finances are tight etc etc.

When she broke up with me on the 12th of Sept, I said that we haven't tried to save the marriage. She says she has been trying over the last year or so to save it in her own mind.

We didn't argue much or have any other major problems. However, the reasons she said she has broken up with me is because she sees me as controlling, jealous and insecure. The controlling part is not so true, I just worry when she goes out with girlfriends and all of that stuff, so text her alot when she is out etc. The reason I feel like that is we are both known to be binge drinkers and she becomes quite flirty when she has a few drinks, which feeds my insecurities.

Since we have had our two beautiful kids my wife has always been upset with her body and has her own insecurites, I always compliment her etc etc aswell, but she wants a boob job etc, she has a personal trainer etc. So she enjoys it when she gets attention from other guys, it gives her a boost. She also has said to me that she could never be naked in front of other guys. Our sex life was ok when we had a few drinks, but she said she just never felt like it anymore and didn't get turned on as much. She never initiated sex however. She also said she could do without sex for the rest of her life.

The current situation is that I am staying at our house with our two kids and she is staying at her mums, but she has started talking about selling our house and sorting out the money issues.

We have a few mutual friends and they all have said she is not interested in other guys or relationships either. She has always been honest I believe she has given me the true for whats stated above.

When my mum has spoken to her, She has said she is afraid of trying again etc incase it doesn't work and we have to go through this whole scenario again and it would hurt me more and the kids.

When she first broke up with me, she was totally against getting any outside help, and she just kept saying that she had tried in her own mind. And that she had lost love for me.

She also said she didn'nt know if she could ever love me the same again. But the way I see it is that all of these little issues in our life, and the lack of communication in our marriage has led to this thinking for her that it cannot be fixed.

I reacted by crying and getting really upset when she first broke it off, then started just not talking to her about emotions at all, and just the kids, dogs, house etc. Only texting for organising things for the kids etc.

I see her every morning because the current arrangement is that I have the kids over nights, and she turns up in the morning so that I can go to work, she then gets them ready for school, breakfast etc.

She did stay for dinner last night and we had a laugh together with the kids, but she is still in the planning mode of what shes doing to get out.

Over the last week since it has happened, I have realised myself what has gone wrong in the marriage, and actually talked to her about it last weekend when i got back from a weekend away with the kids, she was terribly hungover and I don't think much of it got taken in.

Anyways, apart from my initial outburst and what I talked to her about on the weekend, I have not mentioned any relationship stuff. The hardest part for me to understand is all of our history of being married for 10 years and the kids, house all of the above and she is not willing to give counselling a try etc.

I am giving her the dark treatment, but am friendly when I see her. I am working out, the house it always spotless, I do the kids homework with them and also read them stories before bed.

I am keeping a level head, but am devestated inside. I just hope that when I get the Divorce Remedy book, I can start putting a plan into place.

Any comments or advice on my situation would be great. I really miss her, and its turned my whole world upside down.

Thanks

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Now, there are no other guys . . .

. . . but she wants a boob job etc, she has a personal trainer etc. So she enjoys it when she gets attention from other guys, it gives her a boost. . . .

. . .We have a few mutual friends and they all have said she is not interested in other guys or relationships either. She has always been honest I believe she has given me the true for whats stated above.

I wouldn't be too quick to believe this. On what basis do you believe that this is true? Because she told you so? Because if she IS cheating (and there are certainly some signs there), then the problem is that ALL CHEATERS LIE -- PERIOD.

Just please be careful, as these are all famous last words.

Puppy

[KiwiMan]

The reason I believe that she is not seeing anyone else, is she literally hasn't had anytime (And that I would not want to believe it!)

She has never stayed out overnight, never been home late, I have always known what she is up to in a way. Never not answered my calls etc etc. I have suspected that sort of thing for a while and have been looking for any signs, but there are not any at all.

To be honest, I almost wish it was the case because that way I could move on more easily, but its hard understanding whats going on at the moment.

[Buttercup37]

Welcome, I as a woman I can say it's well within realm of belief that your wife is not with an Other man yet. By the time a woman finally gives up on a relationship she might really be unhappy with all men. If this is the case then there could be a ray of hope to win her back if you face your issues/your part in why she left. I think for being a new guy here you sound like you are headed in the best possible direction to do so! Limited, light, pleasant contact is the best way to treat her while you wait for Divorce Remedy!

Good Luck!

[KiwiMan]

Thanks Buttercup,

She said she just feels like being alone and having the kids. And thats what she sees as a future at the moment.

When she went out on the weekend with her cousin, she said when she got back it felt good that she didn't have to worry about what I was thinking etc etc.

Weird, last week, she also talked to alot of our friends to find out what I was doing. She actually found out what my plans were for one night out with a male friend of mind, and then told me that she knew what I was doing.

Its like she is keeping tabs on me in a way too.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

The reason I believe that she is not seeing anyone else, is she literally hasn't had anytime (And that I would not want to believe it!)

She has never stayed out overnight, never been home late, I have always known what she is up to in a way. Never not answered my calls etc etc. I have suspected that sort of thing for a while and have been looking for any signs, but there are not any at all.

OK, then I'll drop it. But emotional affairs don't take much time at all.

[Buttercup37]

I'm also keeping my mouth shut on the relationship side-it's hard! But actions speak louder than words so in my case I'm trying to show actions that are respectful, appreciative, and thoughtful. One day at a time but no matter what I feel good about my new attitude. Nobody on this board but some wives are really mean & bitter about their husband's MLC. Kinda sounds like your wife is mlc too?

[KiwiMan]

Thanks

I guess the hardest thing is that for her at the moment, the grass looks greener on the otherside. Heck, it might even take her being with another guy or relationship to realise what she is missing. Also, with the current situation with her at her parents and me at home... seeing each other every day... isn't really giving her a chance to miss us.

I am just hoping (As i guess most people on here are) that its like a mid life crisis thing for her. That glimmer of hope is all I am holding onto at the moment, and because the whole thing is quite new to me.

[wanttobebetter]

Kiwi - Man I feel you. You have such a similar sitch as mine it's almost scary. Check out my post. There are a lot of similarities on this board...like Puppy said don't be naive - took me awhile to put 2+2 together. Anyone will say anything to keep their guilt hidden.

Keep posting on here....it is therapeutic and learn from others.

[KiwiMan]

Thanks for that Wantto

I have been reading these posts and have had some comfort that I am not alone on this stuff.

Regarding the possiblity of cheating, Should i confront her and say something along the lines of -

"I need to know the truth, is there another guy in your life? Because if you are not telling me and I find out later on, then it will really affect our relationship going forward as far as the kids and everything else goes"

She has already sworn black and blue to me on a number of occasions that there is no other guy and she doesn't want another relationship. But after what you guys have said and the fact she has broken it off without the hope of seeking external help, I can't understand that she is chucking all of this away to be alone....