I want my family back!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

no apology needed! I was waiting for that comment

actually, when he had the affairs, I could tell deep down in my heart that he was hiding things. This last time, I honestly think I was too deep in my own depression to care. I dont blame anyone for thinking I'm a fool for trusting this latest show of emotion on his part.

regardless.. I am keeping my lawyer, and not backing down on my requests in terms of the settlement, so if he is a great actor, I'll be protected.

Very good. You know we want what's best for you!

[Calliope]

I'm realizing that I'm not responding fast enough and missing posts!

Thanks Stronger.. I have to say that I am thrilled to have you all helping.. I've been reading your posts for months

I will take these recents actions with a grain of salt, and keep the big picture in mind.

And you are right, he probably still isnt being truthful to OW, although I do have a feeling they are arguing quite a bit lately (when they have problems, I see long phone calls on his cell records... there was a huge one yesterday)

[breakaway]

And you are right, he probably still isnt being truthful to OW, although I do have a feeling they are arguing quite a bit lately (when they have problems, I see long phone calls on his cell records... there was a huge one yesterday)

Well everything he says is pretty selfish really. I mean he's going to have his R with her, no matter what you think, right? And he wants to have the R he wants to have with you (in his mind, simply being what makes him feel good about himself, not really any regard for others) no matter what she thinks. Is that about right? sounds...fair?

OF COURSE he's lying to her. I, sadly, was an OW for a while, and believe me he lied lied lied. Big surprise. The thing was he told the factual truth about events in their R that was supposedly OVER before he met me (lie), which I could corroborate (she had multiple affairs) so he seemed like the wronged spouse...but he was lying his ass off every time he opened his mouth. He lies to himself, IMO. He never did leave her to my knowledge. We broke up a long time ago, I have no contact with him by my choice...I later found out he moved on to one of my friends however...and I found out about the one before me. I think he stays married because of money. So even if you get this one back...well...watch out.

Also, everyone loves to heap scorn on the OP, about how they are "going after" the married spouse...but there really is no depth they don't sink to in lying about their wives and marriages. Seriously. I never "went after" mine, he pursued me relentlessly. I now feel horrible for his wife. But at the time I believed him, and felt like she had just pummeled him over and over again emotionally and he had never been loved, that she was a neglectful mother, all of it. (Excuse me while I go vomit.) Or she's really that bad and they're both psycho, I don't know. Don't WANT to know.

Well, I guess I made that about me. Anyway, just be careful.

[texasbobby]

stronger is absolutly right the marriages that i have seen go thru this never seem to work them selves out until lawyers get involed. i only no of one couple that worked it out when one spouse was done with out legal counsil.

[Calliope]

Thanks Breakaway, I need to copy your first paragraph and remind myself of it every day.

And you are absolutely right about the OW. I do blame my H more. He was telling her every detail about our M, how miserable he was. Of course he said he also told her the good things about me, and that is one of the reasons why she gets jealous and thinks he's coming back. Who knows how much of that is true..

What I do know, is that she knew that he was married with small children. And I can easily sit here on the other side of the fence and say that I would never do what she did. Nor would I expose my kids to a new relationship like she is. But, regardless of what kind of person she is, I should not be focusing on her. HE is the problem

[breakaway]

Well, please don't take that as me excusing her. I didn't mean that. I'm sure she has issues. I did. (And FWIW, my OM's kids were nearly grown, blah blah, they wanted to live with him and get away from her (lie)...then he offered to put them in boarding school so he could be with me, and I was like...whaaaat? no way.) I hate talking about it, it makes me sick.

Anyway, you sound pretty grounded. If he ends up with her, feel sure it won't last.

[Calliope]

breakaway, just read your sitch, and am really looking forward to your insight.

I am so lucky I found you all!

[Calliope]

Update: H is away for a few days for work. He called yesterday morning to talk to the boys, we talked for a few minutes.. he asked how the boys were the night before, I told him that we went out to dinner with J and his son. J is our neighbor, and a good friend of my H, although since H moved out, I would say J is my friend as well. He is a single dad, so we have alot to talk about, and our boys play together all the time. I could tell there was a litle jealousy in his voice.. he said "oh, like a date?".. i dont think he really thought it was a date. (it wasnt at all!) but for him to say it, he must have been a little surprised that we went out together. Don't think he realized how much we hang out, but latey he is noticing. J does things for me around the house sometimes (so does my dad), and I think H feels guilt when he hears about it, because he knows he should be doing it.
This morning, he called again. Left a message saying that he was trying to talk to the boys before school, and if they were still home, to call him... 'or even if they are not'.. I had my 4yo call him back..they talked for a bit, and then H asked to talk to me. Again, just a little chit chat.. he talked about his lawyer a bit, said he got a letter from him verifying that he is going to stop everything until he hears from him. He asked if I've been in touch with the realtor. He asked a couple of times if I was ok. He could tell I wasnt. I was just being really quiet. Wasnt really sure how to act I guess. Of course I start to tear up. Tried hard to hide it. He said "are you sure you are ok? Did my lawyer do something else?" I said "I can't talk now. I need to go" He said "ok, email me if theres something you need to say" "I'm sorry.. " He used my name after he said he was sorry, hasnt done that in a while. Actually, I think when we had our talk last week, he called me honey and babe a few times. Probably just a slip up.

So, what do I do? Should I send that email, and tell him that his is not my friend? He really does think that we can be this one big happy non-family now.

[texasbobby]

i think that is an illusion of WAS,s. my wife says the same thing all the time. i think that is their way of holding on.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Call,

You need to sound more upbeat when you talk to him -- busy, on-the-go, lots of things to do and people to see. Try to be the one to end the phonecall, and don't chat too long: "Gotta go, I was just on my way out the door. We'll have to catch up later, okay?" Do NOT let him hear you despondent, like a beaten puppy waiting at home for him to come back.

I know it's hard, but it's imperative.

Try to keep the convos between him and the kids only, and avoid his calls. No R talks; no tears; no sadness. The sympathy feels good for the moment, but it is NOT conducive to DBing.

Puppy