Well last night he kept calling but I didn't answer to catch a break. This a.m. he kept calling again and I basically told him that there wasn't anyway to fix this relationship today like he suggests.It is always "let's try to find a way to start over" and always without MC, without AA or without the church. At that point I asked him if he really understood his addiction b/c just not drinking is a step in the right direction but there is still a lot of work to be done. I reminded him of how happy he was this summer. How excited he got about things and how new everything was for him. He did admit that it was true - then says that I had a meltdown... (meaning I was stressed out trying to help the kids gather up their belongings for a move) and I will admit that I was going through a deeply moving time of loss. He doesn't want to hear it was NORMAL! - he wants to blame me for getting stressed out and stressing him out.
So given his defensiveness about his "lack" of understanding about the affects of his addiction on him - I did suggest that we not have contact.
His response... ok I hear that YOU are NOT ready or willing to work on this relationship with me!
I just let it go. I thought about it and realized what does it matter who is ready or willing - and he is right - I am not willing to work on this relationship with his current thinking and recent behaviors.The fact that he doesn't realize that he isn't either doesn't matter.
I have also had moments in the last few weeks where I think life would be much easier for him without me for a partner. He wouldn't have to face reminders of the past, doesn't have to deal with anyone's feelings and lives as he pleases. No committments, no problems, no expectations etc... just thinking.
Forgot to mention that tommorrow is our anniversary and for the second year we will not be together - this feels like a losing battle.
