Special K - I also have to agree with what is being said. I was like Kat in that the A that led to divorce wasn't the first. The first happened 10 years ago. We never learned properly how to grow from that experience. When things started getting good again, it was put out of mind. And we stopped growing. And then it happened again.
What I learned is that if you have a chance of recovery, it rests on the cheating spouse's ability to transform their characteristics. It doesn't matter how much you love them or how much they love you, but whether real and lasting change can be achieved. Like Bill said, stbxH has to honestly admit things to himself and then be able to successfully deal with them to the point that they'll no longer be a problem. Big task.
What would be enough for me to re-enter the "phase" again? Nothing, because my past experience showed me that XW isn't capable of doing what Bill said needs to be done, to admit things and then successfully deal with them.
For me, the problem was that when things were good there was no problem. But when I couldn't give what I usually gave, when I had a problem, I couldn't trust my XW to be there. She knew I'd be there for her and still tries to take advantage of that, but even though she'd always say she'd be there for me, time and time again I was shown that I couldn't trust her. A partnership is built on that trust. But I loved her so kept trying to convince myself it could be different.
So you have to ask yourself whether you can trust him to be there for you even when things are bad. I think that's the bottom line.
