T2, You pretty much summed up trying to piece after they come home. I think we do have unrealistic expectations of them. Are WE the beautiful maidens that meets their every need? I think not. We are so busy licking our wounds and anaylizing every thing they say and do or DON'T do that we forget to look inward. I know I'm guilty of it. My H came back and left again just like yours T2.
I don't think we were ready for the intense feelings that came along with reconciliation. In that reconciliation there are many feelings of resentment and mistrust. SO much to sort through. We know how we feel, but do we know what their feeling? Besides guilt? I think they have to fall in love with us all over again, and I think they make a choice to do that in their head before they fully feel it in their hearts. That could be the reason we think they are not "fully here" when they come back. My H says I have no idea what he felt that led him to the A. He is also quick to say there can be no justification for his poor choice. They ahve their reasons for why the A's happened, but they know now that they really messed up. He's right to a point. I can never fully know how he felt.
It must have been intense though and VERY strong. My H is not the type to do this. I think it's a combination of MLC and a break down in the M, where they don't feel connected to us anymore and they don't know how to fix it. Men are fixers, but most won't voice their needs or feelings so we have no idea how intense they feel this void in their lives. Not until the bombs hit. Its all SO destructive. It's like trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. First you have to find all the peices and fit them all together. NO easy task. I know my H's shortcomings. I know what to expect if (when?) he comes back this time. He sounds pretty much like T2's H,but a little more romantic (when he wants to be). Ok, now think about this. We are defining our H's and talking about what they lack. What if we had to listen to them defining us to each other. What would they say? Probably that they can't believe we stuck by them, but what else? What about the way we treat them? What about meeting their needs? Truthfully, I never really thought about it this way until now. I figured he owes me after all he's done, that its time for him to think about ME and MY needs. I thought that way before he left too. I thought he should act the way I wanted him to act towards me. When he didn't, the resentment built up until communication broke down. I don't want to make the same mistakes I made before.
In order NOT to do that, I HAVE to change me and my expectations IF I want him back. If nothing changes, then nothing will change. I don't think any of us want that. We don't want to feel alienated from them again. (NOT ALL OUR FAULT BY A LONGSHOT!) We're looking for changes in them when they come back. I think the best way to change the way a person treats you is to change the way you treat them. SOMEONE has to do SOMETHING different. It might have to be us,and I know it's NOT FAIR, but once again, we have to be the strong ones that will strive for making the lasting changes that will work to the good of our M. Am I making sense here? I just turned the way we think around to get a different perspective. After all, isn't that what we want? Something different and better than what we had? I guess its something to think about anyway. Rachael
