H with 1foot out the door...LONG

[ginab1966]

Hi everyone:

I promised to come on here and post about my Retrouvaille experience after I returned. I know that I devoured any Retrouvaille post that I could get my hands on, looking for signs of hope. So, here it goes….

I want to start by saying that my husband agreed to go, had a pretty decent attitude going into the weekend but definitely was not going for the same reasons I was. When I asked him why agreed he told me it was because I asked him to go. Of course I wanted to hear that it was because his marriage meant everything to him and that saving it was his top priority and on and on. However, I stepped back and realized he was going and that’s all that I could ask for. Who cares why he was going?

During the end of the weekend, the facilitators ask you to please not give away the true ins and outs of what goes on during the weekend. Now that I’ve been, I absolutely see the value in this. So, without going into real detail, I will sort of give you a Cliffs Notes version and just my personal feelings about the whole thing.

I was really pinning all of my hopes and dreams on this weekend. I knew that was not emotionally smart of me but it was just really hard not to. I imagined that somewhere in the weekend, my H would have this ah-ha moment and tell me he loved me more than life and wanted our marriage to last forever and would do everything he could to make that happen. Um…..that never happened. Not even close. I’m not saying that it can’t happen that way for some couples but it didn’t for me. However, what I walked way with, on a personal/individual level, is actually more valuable and powerful than what I hoped would happen between H and I. I mean that with all sincerity. Sara talks about miracles on the weekend and I experienced one. Just not in the way I thought I would. But, that’s just God for you. He does everything in his own time, in his own way and if you open yourself up to receive his grace, it will come to you. You just have to accept it and not lament what you didn’t get. Luckily, I was able to do that.

Our weekend was at a hotel and we were in a workshop was held in a conference room. The entire purpose of this weekend is to help spouses communicate better, more effectively and with more love. They teach you a technique called “Dialogue”. It’s really about focusing on your feelings and communicating those feelings without blame, garbage dumping or judgment. That means you get heard in a non judgmental way and so does your spouse. This technique is the springboard for how the rest of the post sessions will be facilitated. Dialogue is used as the main tool and will be used in each of the post sessions. That’s why they focus and entire weekend around it. The Retrouvaille community truly believes that being heard and understood fully is the same as being loved. Several couples give presentations all throughout the weekend and share with you the good, bad and ugly of their relationships. It’s amazing how open and honest they all are. They talk about sex, drug use, etc. It’s all laid out for everyone to hear. On our weekend, each of the couples dealt with infidelity and one dealt with infidelity and some pretty serious emotional abuse. One of them dealt with multiple infidelities and I sat listening and wondering how on earth they came out on the other side as a happy well adjusted couple. Listening to them can’t help but give you hope. It also make you know how broken your relationship is and can be a double edged sword.

This is not meant to be a socializing meet & greet type of atmosphere. You are there to work on your marriage and you will work very, very hard. The experience is both tiring and draining. You will be forced to take a really hard look at yourself and the way that you contribute to the issues in your marriage. You will have a chance to socialize with the other couples at meals and I found this very helpful because some were open enough to share their struggles and it’s nice to know you aren’t alone.

I will now give you the straight scoop on the religious aspect of the program. I’m a Christian who was raised Catholic but no longer practice the Catholic faith. I knew I would be coming on here and posting so I tried to look at the religious part from all sides. This I my take….if your are agnostic and have a real issue with God, faith or religion…there will be moments of discomfort. God and Christ were spoken about more than I thought they would be. Personally, I loved it. It brought home some truths that I had been searching out and solidified why I came back to my marriage after I WAW.

There were moments in the weekend that I actually wanted to give up and throw I the towel. Those moments involved me hearing from my husband that he’s not nearly as far along in the reconciliation as I thought he was. Divorce is most definitely still on the table in a big way. But, I prayed a lot and came to the realization that it’s ok that he’s not where I am. Do I like it? No, not one bit. But, it’s where we are at and I have to accept it, hear his concerns, listen to his feelings and do the work that I need to do on myself despite wanting to blame him for everything.

This is the revelation that I came away with this weekend. I wrote this in another person’s post that I respond to frequently. First, I'm beginning to think that my husband is in MLC. I believe that me leaving, coupled with a shakey at best sense of self esteem is what set it off. I am not blaming myself in any way, I'm just saying that I believe these were the triggers. Right now, I know H is staying because of his greater sense of obligation as a father. Before this weekend I found every reason to be upset with that. My sense of pride mostly. I had the thought that if I wasn't a reason for staying and I wasn't getting what I needed....that's it. Actually the reason I became a WAW was because I was so horribly ignored, pushed aside, trampled on, passed over, etc. I couldn't take it. It was utterly and completely unacceptable to me and it made me feel so horrible about myself that, at times, I couldn't breath. I deserved better and I was going to get better..period. Once I moved out, realized the impact on my daughter and realized how un-Christian I as being I came back. I never came back for him. I knew I as coming back to the same man I left. Actually, I was coming back to worse. He had now had a physical affair, was telling me he wanted a divorce and told me he didn't love me and there was no hope at least twice a day. I still came back. Why? Because I love him. I mean, really, really love him. I am trying to love him as God loves me. Unconditionally...when I take his name in vain, ignore him, curse at him, don't believe in him, question his motives and deny his existance. My God loves me no matter what I do and he wants me to love all people the same way...including my husband. Now, please don't think I"m comparing myself to God but I really am doing my best to keep this in the forefront of my mind while working on my marriage. Also don't think this is some holier than thow speech...it's not..I'm just telling you how I'm dealing with my spouses rollercoaster behavior. No matter what is going on, I act loving. Sometimes that might mean that I have to give space and walk away. Sometimes that might mean that I have to listen to things that are hurtful and not react. Does this mean that I'm being a doormat? No. Here is an example....(H)"Gina, I am giving you all I have. To be honest, I rather be with anyone else, somewhere else doing something else. You are the last person on earth that I want to be with..but I'm here" (me)" You have told me how unconnected you are and expressed how hard it is to be here for you. I appreciate that conflict and the stress it must cause you. But,Honey, I need to ask you to do me a favor if you can. I would appreciate it if you stopped telling me. I hear you, I understand and I get it. Really, I do. Continually telling me is extremely hurtful and I know that isn't your intention. So, before you say something like this next time, just remember that I understand and it's very, very hurtful to me." Since I have said that, the only time that I've heard anything even remotely close to this was this past weekend. There is a quote that I heard and it goes "The most important marriage skill is listening to your partner in a way that they can't possibly doubt that you love them.". In my response, he knew he was heard and my response was loving and firm. Now, many would say I was being a doormat but I completely disagree. My husband has to answer a question this weekend that said "I need your help specifically in the area of________". He was to answer the question asking me for help. He asked me to be patient and love him unconditionally while he decided if he wants to love me or not. When I read that, I thought that I was going to vomit. I thought we were past that. He is wearing a wedding ring again, he tells me he loves me in the morning, etc. I realized I'm not really a lot further than I was before. I had to respond and I did so with as much love as I possibly could muster. We were leaving the room and we got down to the conference room and I brought him a coffee...after that...I brought him coffee and some snacks. He looked at me, kissed me and held my hand. That was the first time we had physical contact all weekend. I can't help but think that my calm, loving, strong response helped that kiss come to the surface. I wasn't being a doormat, I was being his wife, the one who said in her vows "I want to join myself with you because you thank God for me and you are someone for whom I thank God. That love I was showing was God's love coming through me to him. It was hard to do but felt soooo good at the same time. I felt pure and clean and holy. I know that's deep and kind of corny but it's true.

The bottom line is that it was worth every minute of me going. I saw couples that were healed. Any miracles? It’s hard to tell but I consider what I got out of it as a miracle. Good luck to all who go and I’ll be praying that you get your own miracle from it.

May God bless you richly.

Gina B