Ya know gang, back on the 12th when I listed the things I wanted to hear my H say and stuff, several of you asked if my H would have been prone to say any of that sort of thing prior to all this insanity in our lives. I quickly answered no...at least I think I did...but, in the back of my mind I was telling myself "he should say and do it all anyway."
I've had a few days to think about that question of whether or not it's realistic for me to expect to "hear" the words I want to hear from him or not. I've come to the conclusion that I'm really setting myself up for a major disappointment if I hold out for any of it, on my terms.
I guess because I witnessed my H become a man I'd never seen before, or ever imagined he could be (when he went Alien)...I allowed myself to believe that IF he was capable of becoming a complete and total stranger to me while he was off and running on his self gratification bent, that he should also be capable of becoming "Mr. Perfect" to me once he was "cured" of his "temporary insanity." BOY WAS I WRONG.
It has occured to me, much to my disappointment, that the guy I'm getting back now is THE SAME GUY that left on his trip to Never-Never Land.
The guy that comes home after work now and turns on Bill O'Reilly, the guy that starts the grill so we can make dinner, the guy that makes sure everyone in the family has a car that's running in tip top shape, that keeps the lawn mowed and occassionally the beds made, IS the 'old guy.'
There was never any "just for the hell of flowers" or love notes posted to the bathroom mirror or professions of love on bended knee. Not from this guy....
This guy that I had begun not to love, not to care about, not to "need" a year before the first A started, was just a guy that did what HE thought being a 'good husband' was suppose to do. He fixed "things." He called me "Pal." He did almost anything I asked him to, even if he had a puss on when he did it. Sometimes he was thoughtless and cranky. Sometimes he barked before he thought...sometimes, no often, he put his 'wants' first.
The truth is, my H is really THAT guy and THAT guy is back. At least it looks like he is for the most part.
I think the most important thing I have to do right now is decide if this guy who lays on the couch or spends an entire Saturday putzing around in the yard instead of strolling along some beach holding my hand is a guy that I can accept just the way he is, warts, shortcomings and all.
For over 20 years I accepted that 'so-so' guy. I accepted that I'd only get flowers on my B-day, Anniv. or some other Hallmark occassion....until one day MY fantasy of a Knight In Shining Armor got the best of me and I began picking him apart in my mind and building that great wall of China between us....That wall of resentment for unspoken disappointments was eventually so tall, that rather than attempt to climb over it or dig under it...my H decided to find something on his side of it that would fill in the holes of his emotional and physical needs.
I now have to pay the price for that wall I built, I don't excuse HIM his choices (he could have bought a sledge hammer but didn't..that is to say there were a lot of things he could have tried to get me to tear it down, but didn't) BUT, I also have to ask myself, what did I DO to tear that wall down...the truth is NOTHING.
So here I am today, my H and I, having to tear down all the old resentments, rake up all the shattered pieces of our life together and try to clean up the damage and build a new wall, but this time, around us. One that will keep us in there together and all the sadness, temptations and demons of the outer world at bay.
Can someone loan me wheel barrel? We have a lot of trash to haul away. T2
