I'm thinking that what people mean is that the moment someone agrees to at least go see a MC is not the time to lay out all your boundaries. That maybe that's what the MC is for.
It would seem we all agree that she should not have a relationship with OM but I don't know why he would have to say that in that very conversation. You men always seem to want to SETTLE everything instantaneously and on your terms. I agree that those should BE Tristan's terms, but I'm not sure I understand the point of laying out requirements BEFORE going to a MC. ???
Maybe she'll suprise you and set up this appt. She has time to think about some of these things herself before the appt. Tristan has time to think as well, and decide what he wants and how he wants to say it. Because, as a woman, I'm telling you, HOW you say it means EVERYTHING. Also discussing this within MC also makes her accountable to someone besides Tristan. Sometimes it's easier to have the accountability with someone you aren't emotionally connected to.
OTOH she may balk at really following through on this, and then you have your answer anyway.
Just some thoughts...
Love it! "You MEN..."
Well at least she has identified some of us as the male species, thanks for the stereotype breakaway, we always enjoy having the finger pointed at us. You still have issues apparently of your own to deal with, I don't think you know us "MEN" well enough to say what we "ALWAYS want", sounds like mind reading to me and while you're at it can you pick some winning lottery numbers for me, if you have the time ;-) Perhaps you're dealing with a man who wants things done now instead of waiting?
Setting boundaries is a good idea regardless of marriage counselling. You may consider the marriage counselling a small victory but take into account one thing, one paper I recently read stated that women who were having affairs that agreed to marriage counselling did so only to better handle the guilt they experienced due to their actions of having an affair and breaking the marriage up, they didn't have any real intentions of reconciling, going through the motions of marriage counselling allowed them to better handle their guilt because they could at least reason with themselves on some level "... at least I tried, I can't say I didn't try".
Tristan don't get me wrong, the marriage counselling sounds like a good idea but don't expect results overnight but I don't think you're stepping on anyone's toes by saying that you won't pursue marriage counselling if she continues to see the OM. If you're going to invest time & effort & resources into marriage counselling, you should expect the same for her, if you make it to easy for her to come back, she'll know you were a pushover and she can easily repeat this behavior again in the future because there are no consequences for her behavior and their is no real required investment on her part to show she's being genuine.
Again it's up to you.
As for breakaway's original statement, if us "MEN" want to settle everything instantaneously, maybe it would be more fair to say that we're not willing to live in limbo for several months to several years while our wives figure out what they really want because maybe our time is valuable also?
Why postpone the inevitable? You want the marriage to work then be proactive and work on it, we're all adults (men & women alike), I'm assuming we can make mature responsible decisions within fairly reasonable amounts of time that don't require dragging out a process for alot longer than necessary. Maybe it's also fair to say that if you can't make a decision about wanting to settle issues and wanting your marriage, it's really just a way of saying I don't want my marriage but I feel guilty for admitting that so I would rather enlongate this process for an extraordinary amount of time and maybe time will change my mind & allow me to think something differently than what I think right now.
Time is finite, our lives are largely a linear experience: from point A to point B.... we're born, we grow up, we get old, we die. Time isn't guaranteed, no one says you have exactly 120 years so enjoy that guaranteed amount of time. No one can forecast what happens tomorrow, if someone gets hit by a bus, gets a disease. We can all go at any time so we must respect time and how we spend it, it's something we can't get back. Wasting time especially in this example by not making decisions that need to be made is being disrespectful to the time we have, to yourself, and to the people whose lives you affect.
Get busy living or get busy dying, I heard that the other day, I think it's a quote from a movie, sounds pretty appropriate with regards to settling issues and moving on with life and we should always live life largely on our own terms otherwise you'll be largely unsatisfied with your life when you look back at all the time you wasted living your life on someone else's terms. We can only live our life, no one else's.
- just my 0.02 cents.
BTW "....Because, as a woman, I'm telling you, HOW you say it means EVERYTHING." You are right, it certainly does, from our male point of view as well.
