Hi T2, Thanks for filling me in on your sitch. and how you got to here and now. I read all those things you wanted, and I wonder, what do they feel in their hearts? I asked my H to stay the night last night, and he was very hesitant, afraid our S would come home. He finally did stay. I did it again-initiated a R talk.(I really am going to stop doing that) I realized after the fact-rather during that it was a mistake. I even told him early on we should not be having this conversation because it always leads down a cheesless tunnel. You know, the part where he starts talking about how he loves me and always will love me no matter what, BUT he's working on the "IN LOVE" part I assume, because I asked him if knew that he WASN'T in love with me. He answered "no, I don't know that I'm not in love with you." I said all the stuff about our vows, and he said "I'm still here aren't I"? I ended it on a positive note. Something about being able to trust him, and he said I could, blah,blah, blah. I told him NO more R talks for a long time. He HATES them.What man doesn't?
He sees it as controversy, and that I don't listen to him and he says he can't have a conversation with me. I explained that we CAN and DO talk, and we don't argue EXCEPT with regards to R talks. I explained that's because of it's contoversial nature. I said in every marriage there are disagreements to be talked through.
It's all latin to him. All he knows is he doesn't want it to be like it USED to be. He says it always goes back to that. He told me that I didn't have a clue what led him to the A. He said if your in love with someone you don't have A's. I guess that meant he was saying he was not in love with me when he decided to have his fling. He contradicts himself all the time. He doesn't remember things he's said in the past-like 2 weeks ago,when he was so sure he wants me and our M, and told me he loved me. So... I've come to the conclusion that He feels differently on any given day. I don't put alot of stock in what he says because he hangs in there.
T2, he's gone through a major MLC, and I know it's affected his brain to the point of confusion and pain. He feels very guilty for what he's done. When I said I wanted us to be a family again, he said that really bothered him. He is a family man to the core. I told him last night divorce wasn't in him. I think he wouldn't mind if I said I can't do this anymore, I'm done. I think at first he'd be relieved, but then I think he'd want me back AGAIN, and we'd start this dance all over again.
If I didn't call him to make plans, I don't think he'd call me for a long time. I'm not going to let that happen. I think remaining in contact, but making the time together very enjoyable and fun makes them want more of us. I noticed him pulling back and talking somewhat negatively if I'm too needy,or start the R talks going. It's so weird becasue I hear on here where after a man comes home, he doesn't want to be sexual. That was only the case before he left last time. We are very sexual and I can always seduce him.(It's really a mutual thing) I did it today at our D's house. They just bought a house 4 doors down from me and we are COMPLETELY remodeling it. While D and her H went to buy a refrigerator, we were there alone with our infant twin grandaughters who were sleeping. He very willingly let me seduce him in one of the bedrooms full of tarps, and paint. No furniture. He loved it. I think that sexual connection is very strong and goes a long way into making a R last. T2, what you told me you did is almost what I'm doing to a T. It sounds that even though your H has recommited and is coming home, he's still not giving you that reassurance that he's 100% there to stay, speaking his love to you, and demonstrating in his actions that he is back to himself so you can breathe easy again. If only it were that easy right? No, they have to go back and forth with their emotions nad when you confront them when they're distant, they act like they don't know what your talking about. OHHHHH! That drives me crazy, because you can start to doubt your own perception. I still say they are struggling with how much they love you in their minds that causes them to not act fully "There." They are torn between what they know is right, and the amount of love they do feel, and the way they used to feel about us which just isn't there when they're going through all this. Question is.......how do we make them fall totally in love with us again? Will they ever love us like they used to before they wacked out?
Sometimes aren't you afraid that this is as good as it gets? I get scared when I think of where we'll be 2 yrs. from now. I'm afraid it won't be any different than it is now, or perhaps worse. I wonder when the light switch finally comes on again in their heads. How does that work? Do they just one day start feeling deep love again? Do they just come to the realization of what they've done, and want to make it right even though their hearts aren't there yet? What is this reason they come back, but they aren't really all back? It seems to be the common thing in recommitment on here. We are all left wanting and waiting for the relationships we once had. I told my H that we can have a stronger M than we ever had if we start dong things that promote trust and intimacy. I think they try, but obviously the feelings aren't all back because the actions aren't all back. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know if someone is deeply in love with you. The saying that actions speak louder than words is partially true. I want the actions, but I want the words too. I want it all back. I grieve everyday for it. He's trying. I'm trying harder. He's afraid.I think he's afraid to come back because the feelings aren't strong enough yet. He's afraid he won't feel what he knows you should feel when you love someone, and he'll feel trapped and leave again.Until he feels deeplove for me again I don't expect him to move back in.
Where do I go from here? I have a man that keeps trying to make it work, but the feelings aren't strong enough for him to give his all to me again. Will he ever get them back??? It's been a long time. He was in the A for over 2 yrs and then it's been another 2 yrs. of back and forth, and him not being able to fully commit again. Do you think it will come back if I just don't give up?
Because he had such a strong friendship with the OW and they could talk so well about anything-I think he compares our R to that and we fall short. How do you compete with an A?? They are so intense and not REAL life,but it makes them feel so wanted and high. Will he realize that what we have is deeper and REAL? He says he was not in love with OW. Some comfort huh? Again, where do I do from here? Sorry T2 to have taken over your thread! Rachael
I see so much wisdom on this thread. Can you share your thoughts about my sitch? Piecing Here I Come....PMA
The nutshell, is H and I are S. kids 4 and 2 yrs. old. I'm hoping H will come home soon, H will not commit to a D nor our M, we spend time together, etc..Well, H has never told his folks we are S (5 months now.) We have plans to spend thanksgiving with his family.(H's idea.) All of us staying together, My mom lives 5 minutes away from the in-laws. Should we all stay together or should I stay with my mom and make him fess up to the truth? nik
Hi T2 I'm repsonding to a post a couple of pages back:
Quote: I want:
Words of gratitude that I've allowed him to come home, that I stayed the course and let him go thru his 'crisis' and did not abandon him or our M.
I want a thank you.
I want WORDS of assurance that he's in this for the long haul, no matter what this time.
Are these natural things to want? YES! Do you deserve each and every one? (and the ones I didn't quote) YES!
My POV differs from MRS (BTW MRS, why the capital letters, kind of makes it seem like you're yelling on line ).
You are just starting to cohabitate again, things are fragile. Like Sage, My H never physically left, but the dynamics are similar...he DID make a choice to "return" to this M.
Those, in some ways, were the hardest months for me. As someone else said recently, until then I was in survival mode, DBing like crazy...But THEN the "HEY! What about MY needs?" thoughts came on full strength.
From MY experience, demanding or even asking that our H's thank us or express their great good fortune in our allowing them back just does not work.
I recall one time saying (rather jokingly) that CJ should be kissing my feet! (it was after a conversation about how screwed up OW #2 really is)...He just LOOKED at me.
(I fully expected him to agree and maybe actually do it!!! )
I did tell CJ a number of times that I needed to hear "I'm Sorry"...again fully expecting him to just SAY IT...but he didn't.
YES the apologies came...but in his own time, and I think they were worth more than anything I could have coerced or kind of forced him into doing. Have I heard EVERYTHING I'd like to hear? NO...Do I still desperately NEED to hear them......NO!!!
Give it time, let actions speak and LOOK for signs of his gratitude.
If he really IS just taking his return for granted, you might try to open his eyes, but don't expect a sudden gush of sentiment. He might feel resentful!
I think in a way that THEY sometimes feel WE should be grateful that they are back. And, I mean, we ARE...but they fail to see and really GET just what we've been through, and how much better we'd feel if they showed their gratitude.
I suppose the gist of my post is empathy, and PATIENCE.
I agree we must have boundaries, I'm just not sure exactly which of yours your H is crossing with his recent behaviours. I don't really see you as a doormat!
Morning...thank you sooooooooooooooo much for the wonderful paragraph for me to talk to me h.....I never would have come up with something so eloquently said. I printed it and am going to find the right time to talk to h.
I keep hearing "patience" here...something I first heard a year ago...it is so hard..we are the ones doing so much to save our m, I am sure there are many frustrating days after they come home..but that little word still has to be applied.
you sure seem to know what you need ...keep doing what works
just wanted to come in and tell you what a fantastic weekend i had. i have not laughed so hard for such a long time as i did this weekend. you are a riot, you and deb kept me in stiches
T2~ THANKS for your advice.....(((((T2)))))....you are very wise and you gave me the courage to "go for it"!!!!!!!!! A full updtae will be on my thread...but I did tell my H tonight that I want to be friends now that this (d) is drawing to a close. He got very choked up and told me he wants me, in fact, he NEEDS me in his life becuase I will always be a huge part of his life.
I may be sobbing as I write this...but ultimatly I think I made a breakthrough for the future....thanks again, T2!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Rachael...just wnated to say hi..and thanks again for that wonderful paragraph for a talk..I printed it and put it in my purse..ready for the right time!!!
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