Hi T2 I'm repsonding to a post a couple of pages back:
Quote: I want:
Words of gratitude that I've allowed him to come home, that I stayed the course and let him go thru his 'crisis' and did not abandon him or our M.
I want a thank you.
I want WORDS of assurance that he's in this for the long haul, no matter what this time.
Are these natural things to want? YES! Do you deserve each and every one? (and the ones I didn't quote) YES!
My POV differs from MRS (BTW MRS, why the capital letters, kind of makes it seem like you're yelling on line ).
You are just starting to cohabitate again, things are fragile. Like Sage, My H never physically left, but the dynamics are similar...he DID make a choice to "return" to this M.
Those, in some ways, were the hardest months for me. As someone else said recently, until then I was in survival mode, DBing like crazy...But THEN the "HEY! What about MY needs?" thoughts came on full strength.
From MY experience, demanding or even asking that our H's thank us or express their great good fortune in our allowing them back just does not work.
I recall one time saying (rather jokingly) that CJ should be kissing my feet! (it was after a conversation about how screwed up OW #2 really is)...He just LOOKED at me.
(I fully expected him to agree and maybe actually do it!!! )
I did tell CJ a number of times that I needed to hear "I'm Sorry"...again fully expecting him to just SAY IT...but he didn't.
YES the apologies came...but in his own time, and I think they were worth more than anything I could have coerced or kind of forced him into doing. Have I heard EVERYTHING I'd like to hear? NO...Do I still desperately NEED to hear them......NO!!!
Give it time, let actions speak and LOOK for signs of his gratitude.
If he really IS just taking his return for granted, you might try to open his eyes, but don't expect a sudden gush of sentiment. He might feel resentful!
I think in a way that THEY sometimes feel WE should be grateful that they are back. And, I mean, we ARE...but they fail to see and really GET just what we've been through, and how much better we'd feel if they showed their gratitude.
I suppose the gist of my post is empathy, and PATIENCE.
I agree we must have boundaries, I'm just not sure exactly which of yours your H is crossing with his recent behaviours. I don't really see you as a doormat!
).
