Breakaway, You husband is taking note of your growth, modeling healthy behavior and communication, and love. I think you are doing a great job. Stay steady.
Cheers
thx Coach. The last line of that email really made me think he is trying to do this: unite his family at all costs. Unite. For so long it has been "control your family at all costs." I don't know if you remember me saying he has even said that, yelled it, If I don't CONTROL this family everything will fall apart. Which was making it fall apart!!
He's finally seeing that, and realizing, IMO, that he hasn't been controlling HIMSELF (alcohol, pornography, anger), instead he's tried to control everyone else. I wish I could write down everything that's been discussed since that Labor Day porn debacle. Amazing conversations.
I do believe him that he wants us to be "united" now, not under his thumb. When he finally saw his behavior for what it was. I used to get sick when he said, well, we're "one flesh" because in my opinion, I knew which ONE we were...him. I so hope he has come back around to seeing us as two united as one, instead of me being subsumed by him.
Okay, well, I covet everyone's prayers today. I appreciate it, and I do pray for so many of you.
p.s. I am going to buy that book Learned Optimism today. I think he might be open to it now, and I think it could help S12 too. The big birthday fight he started crying in frustration and said, Dad, people DON'T CHANGE. And my H almost started crying and said he WAS changing, and had already changed a lot, and that all of us could change and love each other again.
The big birthday fight he started crying in frustration and said, Dad, people DON'T CHANGE. And my H almost started crying and said he WAS changing, and had already changed a lot, and that all of us could change and love each other again.
I think your husband doesn't want to repeat his childhood. I have been praying for the whole lot of you here for over a year.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I think your husband doesn't want to repeat his childhood. I have been praying for the whole lot of you here for over a year.
Cheers
I think he doesn't want to either. And I was able to tell S12 that too, and that while I understood his anger and frustration, I said, do you think your grandpa would have every apologized to your dad like that, do you think he would even now? And he said...NO. I said, your dad is trying. We were at a game, and his dad was off in the distance, and I saw S12 kind of soften his expression while he was looking at him, thinking about how his dad is at least trying not be as harsh as his own father.
I think sometimes H gets mad because he doesn't get any credit for not being as bad as HIS dad, if that makes any sense. And H's dad is a prince compared to the violent bastard that raised him. So...I guess it depends on how you look at it sometimes. One thing they tell you at al anon, is that even people doing a crappy job are still probably doing the best they can. Not to excuse them, but simply to understand.
I finally gritted my teeth and started organizing all our financial stuff, and realized I needed to take care of a few things, some of which I couldn't do til today. An issue with a credit card company that needs to be renegotiated, which they did after I explained the last year to them (medical illness) and worked out a way to stretch out the last three medical bills.
I just about have all our ducks in a row now. I'm also realizing this isn't as big of a monster as I make it my own mind. Recovering from depression is pretty helpful in that regard!! Six months ago I was still in a pit I think.
Okay, we had a huge sports weekend with S9 and birthday parties, and all kinds of stuff, so I just enjoyed the moment and doing things with H. We are cooking together, organizing the basement together. Together. Without fighting. Without criticism. Got rid of tons of stuff...I'm getting rid of tons of bills, I'm feeling like we are shedding the past.
I fell sick with a cruddy cold over the weekend too...
I've spent a lot of time praying and feeling released from a lot of old garbage. And the eternal anxiety and just feeling scared all the time is going away. I had a strange dream last night...I felt like it was a sign that everything is going to work out now. I got up and journaled for a while in the middle of the night.
Some other time I will try to journal here some of my personal growth that I feel like is making a big difference. Right now I feel like closing my eyes though!
My H is often tougher on our son than I think he really needs to be, and S18 often feels beaten down after he talks to him. He is a lot more comfortable talking to me, and even though I may give him the same answer as H, he at least feels like he was heard. It has a lot to do with the fact that S18 is a lot like me- laid back and non-confrontational, and that irritates H to no end. I agree S18 needs to learn to stand up for himself more and speak up, and I don't want him to wait until he's 42 like me, but clobbering him verbally is not the way to go about it.
Were you able to have the money conversation with your H? That secret has been a burden for you. Hope your week goes well-
We had a R convo where we talked about feeling like we'd turned a corner. I have these last things worked out. So I am planning to write down everything I want to say, and then decide if I should email him with it, or tell him out right.
I am praying about what to say and when to say it, and I feel like God is leading me carefully right now. And I trust the outcome even if I don't like what happens next.
You know in the Bible, Queen Esther was very careful about how she broached a life or death subject with the king, and made sure she had a nice dinner for him first. ;P
I guess I will tell what my dream was about even though everyone's going to think I'm a kook. I'm not a new agey kind of person or anything. But I'd prayed about my life and being afraid to trust in any kind of "miracle" when statistically I should just get out. I am very afraid to trust him, even though he's doing and saying the right things.
But anyway...I fell asleep and then dreamed I was looking for some certain kind of plant, I was in the woods, searching and searching for a certain kind of leaf. And then some wild...unicorns...ran by. And I was like, no way. And in the dream I took a pic with my camera phone to prove it was real, and it was. In the dream I mean. And then I woke up and I knew God was telling me to trust HIM at least, and that things would be okay. He was giving me an ordinary miracle. Because the funny thing was they weren't big majestic shining unicorns, they were like ordinary old ponies with a little horn.
Now how corny and stupid does that sound. But anyone who has followed along with me from way back is probably laughing right now. Because I once made a big deal about how I live in the real world and don't believe in unicorns and fairies. Blah blah...and I love to be sarcastic about stupid unicorns now.
And...then I saw one. OMG this sounds so insane.
I just can't quite put it into the right context as it came to me. But anyway, hopefully somebody got a laugh out of it.
We had a R convo where we talked about feeling like we'd turned a corner. I have these last things worked out. So I am planning to write down everything I want to say, and then decide if I should email him with it, or tell him out right.
I am praying about what to say and when to say it, and I feel like God is leading me carefully right now. And I trust the outcome even if I don't like what happens next.
You know in the Bible, Queen Esther was very careful about how she broached a life or death subject with the king, and made sure she had a nice dinner for him first. ;P
I guess I will tell what my dream was about even though everyone's going to think I'm a kook. I'm not a new agey kind of person or anything. But I'd prayed about my life and being afraid to trust in any kind of "miracle" when statistically I should just get out. I am very afraid to trust him, even though he's doing and saying the right things.
But anyway...I fell asleep and then dreamed I was looking for some certain kind of plant, I was in the woods, searching and searching for a certain kind of leaf. And then some wild...unicorns...ran by. And I was like, no way. And in the dream I took a pic with my camera phone to prove it was real, and it was. In the dream I mean. And then I woke up and I knew God was telling me to trust HIM at least, and that things would be okay. He was giving me an ordinary miracle. Because the funny thing was they weren't big majestic shining unicorns, they were like ordinary old ponies with a little horn.
Now how corny and stupid does that sound. But anyone who has followed along with me from way back is probably laughing right now. Because I once made a big deal about how I live in the real world and don't believe in unicorns and fairies. Blah blah...and I love to be sarcastic about stupid unicorns now.
And...then I saw one. OMG this sounds so insane.
I just can't quite put it into the right context as it came to me. But anyway, hopefully somebody got a laugh out of it.
I rememberreading that dreams are simply the way our subconscious mind interprets our unorganized thoughts. So its not all that kooky to attempt to analyze them. Its a window to our subconscience. Now if I could only remember my dreams.
You know in the Bible, Queen Esther was very careful about how she broached a life or death subject with the king, and made sure she had a nice dinner for him first. ;P
Wear something cute too.
Originally Posted By: breakaway
I dreamed I was looking for some certain kind of plant, I was in the woods, searching and searching for a certain kind of leaf. And then some wild...unicorns...ran by. And I was like, no way. And in the dream I took a pic with my camera phone to prove it was real, and it was. In the dream I mean. And then I woke up and I knew God was telling me to trust HIM at least, and that things would be okay. He was giving me an ordinary miracle. Because the funny thing was they weren't big majestic shining unicorns, they were like ordinary old ponies with a little horn.
Now how corny and stupid does that sound. But anyone who has followed along with me from way back is probably laughing right now. Because I once made a big deal about how I live in the real world and don't believe in unicorns and fairies.
What a great dream. Thanks for sharing that. (BTW, did the unicorns in your dream poop butterflies?)
Ordinary miracles (and extraordinary ones) do happen breakaway. Sure, statistics can give you a sense of the odds, but trust what you see. Trust what you see him doing. If this continues, in time, you will come to trust your H.
Thanks Dudess...no, the unicorns were not pooping butterflies...yet. ;P
Tonight I felt what I would call "flickers" of previous behavior. There has been a lot of physical affection between us lately, almost like he's been away on a long trip and just got back, oh, and this time I missed him. ha ha.
Anyway, tonight a couple of different times I said, oh I want a cuddle. Which he ignored.. I asked him if I could sit with him on the couch, and he kind of made room for me, but didn't like...accept me into his space really. Now, he's always moaned about how I wont' come sit with him (usually after him ranting and raving at me), so I do this partly FOR him, but he's cool towards it tonight for some reason.
So I go about my business and not pay too much attention to that, went and did other things. We've both been looking forward to going to bed together in the evenings. The second time I'd asked for a cuddle he was like...now?? How about when we go to bed. I'm about ready for bed. Um, okay. Weirdness. Who says...now?? when someone wants a hug?
So I was in bed first, reading til he came in...he comes in, stretches out with his back to me, totally ignores me. So I kind of snuggled up to his back, I mean that was fine. But again it was this...not accepting me. Not like he pushed me away, but he acted like I wasn't there. So after a few mintues I rolled back over and he said why did you do that? I said well it seemed like you didn't really want me doing that. He said...nothing. Silence. I said, well, I guess I was right. He said...nothing. Silence.
Now this is flickers of his weirdness. I however, did not get upset like in the past. I simply said, you know, that hurts my feelings. A little more silence, then he says well when I go to bed, I just need to lay a certain way to stretch out my back. Whatever. Unless he doesn't? That has nothing to do with not shifting that tiny bit to accept someone's arm or hand, you know? I can TELL the difference, but of course he acts as if there is no difference. I'm not saying this to split hairs or be petty, I'm talking about some odd thing that comes over him.
It's hard to describe, but it's just a coolness, a strange resistance to what was perfectly normal yesterday. If he just wants left alone sometimes that's okay...but he somehow manages to be rejecting about it. It's bizarre. It doesn't feel like someone just wanting some space, it feels passive aggressive. And the double bind has always been that if I give him space he seems to be wanting then he will get mad at me later for doing so.
Anyway, my insides are kind of on alert now. But I don't feel all the pain that this behavior used to do to me. I'm just sort of watching. Just mulling it over because I can't sleep.
Don't think I'll be going to Piecing...read a few threads and due to my past I am apparently a person without morals or character, an animal, and dirt on the bottom of someone's shoe.
Soooo...guess I'll just stay here for now. I guess there isn't a rule about that anyway!
