IM NEW AT THIS BUT I HONESTLY BELIEVE YOU HAVE TO SET UP BOUNDARIES.I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND WHY WE LET THEM BACK SO EASILY.YOU ARE LETTING HIM BACK UNDER HIS TERMS.I DID THAT FOR A LONG TIME,BUT THINGS DIDNT CHANGE UNTIL I TOOK CONTROL,YOU ARE LETTING HIM BELIEVE HE CAN HAVE HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TO.DO WE REALLY WANT THEM BACK IF THEY DONT WANT TO BE BACK?WE CANT MAKE THEM LOVE US,BUT WE CAN LOVE AND RESPECT OURSELVES ENOUGH TO TAKE OUR LIVES BACK,WITH OR WITHOUT THEM!JUST MY POINT OF VIEW,BUT WHY SHOULD HE CHANGE ANYTHING IF YOU DONT DEMAND IT?
Quote: You know, I'm not a very 'sentimental' person and yet, I find the desire to have some kind of recommitment ceremony very important to me, to us, as a couple. I guess I want a 'public testimony' of my H's commitment. To me it'd be as if he was announcing to the world, "I faltered but I have righted my life and I am going to live it with the woman that stood by me as I fell."
ya know? T2
Yes...I absolutely know.
Let me acknowledge the selfishness of what I'm about to say in advance of saying it...
My h carried on his a. in public -- at work -- in a crowd of OUR friends (OK, they were people that he worked with but eventually we became a social circle). Now none of them KNOW for a fact the details of what happened but apparently it was a source of much speculation and discussion.
It was (and is still at times) humiliating.
So...tacked onto the desire for a "new beginning" and "recognition for how far we've come" and "acknowledgement over what we've learned" and a thousand other positive things is the deeply held desire to have my h assert his recommitment in the same public forum that he showed his lack of it....
But...who knows...maybe it would also give some of those couples hope that you can come thru a firestorm and be OK ... etc.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I PUT UP MY STORY IF YOU READ IT YOU WILL SEE WHAT I WENT THROUGH AND I JUST MEAN YOU HAVE TO MAKE A STAND.I GOT MY HUSBAND BACK,HE HAS BEEN GREAT.WHAT I MEANT AND I MEANT NO DISRESPECT WAS DONT BE AFRAID TO ASK OR DEMAND WHAT YOU EXPECT FROM HIM OR EVEN NEED FROM HIM.IF HE CANT OR WONT MEET YOUR NEEDS,DO YOU REALLY NEED HIM OR DO YOU JUST WANT HIM SO BADLY THAT YOU WILL SELL YOUR SOUL JUST TO GET HIM BACK?I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT MY H FEELINGS TIPPY TOEING AROUND HIS FEELINGS I FORGOT ABOUT ME.I WAS LOST SOMEWHERE,BUT I HAVE FOUND MY SELF RESPECT AGAIN.I AM NOT THE VICTIM ANYMORE.YOU SEE,HOW CAN ANY MAN RESPECT US IF WE DONT RESPECT OURSELVES ENOUGH TO STAND UP FOR OURSELVES.ITS NOT ABOUT HIM NOW,ITS ABOUT YOU.YOU HAVE TO FEEL BETTER,YOU NEED A HUG AND THE SELF CONFIDENCE TO SAY I MAY LOVE YOU BUT I HAVE NEEDS AND THEY ARE NOT BEING MET.AND IF YOU HAVE KIDS LIKE I DO,IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT THEM TO ENDURE WHEN THEY GROW UP?IF HE LOVES YOU HE WILL CHANGE HIS BEHAVIORS FOR YOU OR HE WILL AT LEAST ATTEMPT TO.WE MAKE EXCUSES FOR THEIR BEHAVIORS WHEN IN REALITY ALL WE ARE DOING IS ENABLING THEM.OUT OF THEIR WEAKNESS WE SHOULD GAIN OUR STRENGTH.TELL HIM WHAT YOU NEED AND IF HE CANT MAKE THE COMMITMENT,IS THIS THE MAN YOU REALLY WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH?IF HE TOLD YOU HE NEEDED SOMETHING WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO COMPLY?OF COURSE YOU WOULD,SO WHY SHOULD YOU SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS!
Quote: I wish ALL of us could have the strength to just back off, stay civil and watch them work through their madness...because THEY WILL
T2, you are so WISE. I see so much anger and bitterness on the BB. I know that the back off and being civil has been working for me, and makes ME feel much better.
I agree with Sage and Tal... paaaaleeese be PATIENT. You seem so like me... we see a glimmer and want it ALL, NOW. It is TOO hurtful to think/be that way. Take it all slowly, one day or one moment at a time. I, too, dream about all the things you say you want... but you cannot rush things, I know you have learned that over the past months.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
A great deal of what you say is absolutely on target. We have to say what we want (we just have to be smart enough to know when and how to say it).
I have asked myself a million times if I was 'selling my soul' (as you put it) just to get him back....I think I will continue to wonder about that for awhile to be honest.
And you're also right that we have bent like willows in the wind for their benefit and the time must come that we stand as tall as an oak and sway no more. I'm no longer a willow, but I'm not a mighty oak yet either.
I'm feeling my way through this landmine of betrayal. Sometimes I step on the land mines...some times I manage to step over them.
I have worked my way through the land mine you currently find yourself in, the Trigger/Flashback nightmare, and I know how wretched that road is. But you can get off it. With time and practice.
Please feel free to come and rant and vent away anytime you'd like. T2
Quote: So...tacked onto the desire for a "new beginning" and "recognition for how far we've come" and "acknowledgement over what we've learned" and a thousand other positive things is the deeply held desire to have my h assert his recommitment in the same public forum that he showed his lack of it....
sage was it not at a party one night (before the suitcase incident) that h stood up to toast you??? and you got pissy at him for doing so???
Quote: So...tacked onto the desire for a "new beginning" and "recognition for how far we've come" and "acknowledgement over what we've learned" and a thousand other positive things is the deeply held desire to have my h assert his recommitment in the same public forum that he showed his lack of it....
sage was it not at a party one night (before the suitcase incident) that h stood up to toast you??? and you got pissy at him for doing so???
LL
Yikes.
I don't remember that at all!
Do you remember anything else about the incident?
I can't imagine being pissy at h for toasting me in public. But if I did I could sure imagine why he wouldn't want to do it again...
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
