OK Oz ... breath. The party is in full swing but so is H feeling sorry for himself. The first time my H went, he was back in a few hours, the second time he was only away overnight. There's time.
I echo what the ladies have said above and if you could get to speak with your coach again, that would be most useful - now's the time that you need the big guns in for best advice quickest.
Remember some of the mantra's and don't beat up on yourself. You have DB'ed with a good heart and you were getting good results. If H is now scared, it's only what he's "asked" for and the fact that he thinks that you have a bf is purely in his own head. He has no evidence and to expect you to have to prove yourself when you are at work is beecr*p.
Try to get the party over with tonight (enjoy it!) and perhaps tomorrow will bring a different picture at dawn. H is REACTING - and that's because you took control of the rope. Don't drop it in fear. Let's hope that Gucci is looking in ... he's long over due a visit.
For now, try to relax (I know, easier said etc.) and try to reframe the negative in to a positive so that you can get some good sleep and see what tomorrow brings.
Sorry that this is all sounding like waffle - you know that I don't have the answers but I REALLY do want to offer my support. If only we did have the answers, eh??
Good night (((Oz))) - we are here.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
No I don't deserve to be on trial for something he has decided in his own head that I have done but haven't.
I could set up another session but she was expecting to hear from me for about 2 weeks due to the strategies we discussed this morning. I don't know if I should set up another so soon or wait and see a bit. I was hoping that Laurie would be lurking around and possibly give a bit of input in between.
I might let things settle down a bit over the rest of the week and see what happens before I set up another session.
Apparently my situation is rather unique I have been told that there are others around here with the same sort of problem of the GALing having the opposite effect but we are a small group and I haven't a clue where they may be here.
I have done what I need to now it is up to him to make the next move.
Pity party almost over, couldn't open the other bottle of wine as it is a corkscrew one and I can't open them to save myself. Ate the chocolate and the ice cream and now feel quite sick.
Will go to bed soon with the kitty princess and doggy princess.
I think Gucci would be a bit disappointed in me but we do what we feel is right at the time but sometimes it backfires for whatever reason.
Tomorrow is another day and will be time to get back up, dust myself off and keep on going.
One thing which is important to remember none of this is your doing! If Oz has to stay a little plumper and safer for H to feel comfortable then that is wrong on both sides of the coin. He really does have issues of his own to solve first so maybe being on his own will help that happen quicker, if you are there at home making it safe by just being there he maybe has put off his thinking!
Ditto. And how is anything YOU'VE done even close to the disrespect and behavior that he's done? You've taken care of yourself and your heart and mood, and he's leaving for full weekends and behaving like a teenager. Really? You're the one with the problem?
Seems to me like H is projecting.
I call BS on his act. The best thing you can do is keep breathing and refuse to act guilty...because you are not. You have done nothing wrong except take care of yourself.
What happened is he sensed he lost control in the R, and now he's trying to take it back. He's miserable, so Oz should be miserable too.
This would make considerable sense if he's read your thread. Anyone whose read your thread would see clearly your feelings for your H and what the GAL is about...and that there's no A.
I want to knock your H upside the head. He is behaving like one of my 13 year old students.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
...and I'm not completely convinced he actually believes you're having an A. Not completely.
He does owe you an apology, and if he starts on with that rubbish again, I'd tell him so. Swell up with righteous, calm indignation and tell him exactly that. You'd never cross boundaries, although based on photos from his trips, he clearly has, so perhaps he should clean up his own act before he goes off half-cocked accusing the faithful Ms. Oz of that sort of behavior.
Really, Oz, if he really has a double standard and expects to be able to cake eat for the rest of your lives, do you want him? Is it okay for him to behave like he has and then turn it around on you?
Separations aren't necessarily bad. My H and I were separated in-house, but we had very minimal contact. In the end, it was the best thing that ever happened to us.
Your H is acting like a spoiled child.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
How is anything YOU'VE done even close to the disrespect and behavior that he's done? You've taken care of yourself and your heart and mood, and he's leaving for full weekends and behaving like a teenager. Really? You're the one with the problem?
What happened is he sensed he lost control in the R, and now he's trying to take it back.
Really, Oz, if he really has a double standard and expects to be able to cake eat for the rest of your lives, do you want him?
I think SDFound nailed it - this is about control.
Yes, red flags went up all over for me about the behavior being controlling as having double standards is one way they do it.
I'm not sure what I'm about to say is right or productive,but if it were me, I would not stand for letting him blame me and make me miserable when I've done nothing wrong. Emotional blackmail. I would lay down some boundaries about having an independent social life and I would call him flat out on the double standard and tell him that doesn't work for me. I would reassure him on the fidelity issue yes, but he's being an insecure, controlling idiot at present.
I may be saying this wrong, but Schnarch talks about this as the two-decision dilemma, I htink. YOU get to decide whether or not his behavior is tolerable to you. Then HE gets to decide whether or not to alter his behavior to bring it within your tolerance. If he decided not to, then YOU get to decide if you want to be with him.
I believe the M is salvagable and you should feel free to tell him that (assuming you believe it, too). But not at the price of you being controlled, losing your autonomy or being held to unreasonable standards. And even aside from the rest of it, "You took too long to email me back" is a blitheringly unreasonable standard.
Controlling behavior pretty much always comes out of major insecurity. Has he been guilty of being insecure or controlling in the past?
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
HUGS! His projection of his activities onto you is a surprise. I can see why you need time to think about it all. Sounds like you've triggered him to think about his feelings for you- he doesn't sound unfeeling or numb now ....tiny good side? Please don't wait to call mc too long-this is a key crisis. Tomorrow might hold more surprises-I hope good ones!
