i wouldn't bother demanding yet that she stop seeing the OM. . .
I WOULD! This has been going on for 2 years. I fail to see how continuing to have a third party in this relationship is acceptable.
I agree completely.
No, you cannot demand, ANYTHING -- that's controlling. But you CAN -- and SHOULD -- set boundaries. Boundaries are about YOU:
"I cannot continue to live in a marriage where my wife is having an affair," or
"I cannot continue to be your best friend while you are betraying our wedding vows; it violates my personal integrity,"
etc.
It seems to me, Tristan, from your depictions of your interactions with her (and they are very thorough and help us to understand all the dynamics -- you write so well!), that at this point, anyway, she probably values your FRIENDSHIP, COMPANIONSHIP and SUPPORT more than she does any sense of husband-wife intimacy with you. Pulling back on the friendship may yield some strong fruit for you, I suspect.
I believe this to be true too. However, it is difficult for me to put into practice (it is very unnatural for me). I will keep trying.
As for OM, I do not know what is going on. I have not brought him up since the separation and neither has she. I assume there is something otherwise she would have told me it was over.
I'm thinking that what people mean is that the moment someone agrees to at least go see a MC is not the time to lay out all your boundaries. That maybe that's what the MC is for.
It would seem we all agree that she should not have a relationship with OM but I don't know why he would have to say that in that very conversation. You men always seem to want to SETTLE everything instantaneously and on your terms. I agree that those should BE Tristan's terms, but I'm not sure I understand the point of laying out requirements BEFORE going to a MC. ???
Maybe she'll suprise you and set up this appt. She has time to think about some of these things herself before the appt. Tristan has time to think as well, and decide what he wants and how he wants to say it. Because, as a woman, I'm telling you, HOW you say it means EVERYTHING. Also discussing this within MC also makes her accountable to someone besides Tristan. Sometimes it's easier to have the accountability with someone you aren't emotionally connected to.
OTOH she may balk at really following through on this, and then you have your answer anyway.
Maybe I'm just different, but there's no way in h-e-double-hockysticks I would ever NOT know if my wife was still having an affair. Everyone says "DON'T SNOOP!", but what good does it do to NOT know?
The core of DBing IS unnatural, Tristan -- it may be the most counterintuitive thing you ever do.
I think you have a decision to make. There are those who are very strongly in the camp of doing what you're doing now. And then there is Robx's and Gucci's advice, which is very different. Reasonable people can disagree about which way to go, and which is true "DBing." But what you CAN'T do is keep waffling back and forth between the two approaches.
Let me ask you two questions:
1. What is your wife's biggest marital complaint?
2. What would you say was your prior* marital interpersonal style: accommodating/pleasing/rescuing/NiceGuy, or controlling/assertive/distant?
I agree that those should BE Tristan's terms, but I'm not sure I understand the point of laying out requirements BEFORE going to a MC. ???
Simple: because almost any good MC will tell you that the MCing won't be effective as long as one of the marital partners is still in an active affair.
2. What would you say was your prior* marital interpersonal style: accommodating/pleasing/rescuing/NiceGuy, or controlling/assertive/distant?
Currently, she has very little to complain about. She says I do everything pretty well. But she is bitter and resentful of the past. In our conversation the other night she said something to the affect "Sometimes I get so angry. But I miss you. I miss being angry at you, if that makes any sense."
In the past I was more the "controlling/assertive/distant" type.
I think I'd like to know a MC's opinion of that as well going in, since that will be a major issue. To be clear, one of the reasons I lean this way is because it makes it less about Tristan and more about his W. SHE needs to make this decision. Does that make sense? It's not him saying well I won't go to MC unless you agree to XYZ ahead of time. I pray they can find a VERY good MC that has experience working with someone like his W. I just think it could work. Maybe I'm wrong. But that's where I'm coming from.
