wife left, wants divorce, possibly bipolar

[ryepatch]

Ryepatch... just remember that Manic Depression is a chemical imbalance, not just a 'mental illness' and look at her actions and you will see that they fit into phases oc the cycle for her.

Paranoia can be a manifestation of hyper-mania heading to rage... her mind is zipping a mile a minute "does he know my number??? I changed it bit someone will tell him... I had better change it again.... I had better change companies completely... if I answer his e-mails then he might find me... I can't think about this now.... I will think about it later...."

Unfortunately, you have no clue what your friends are being told, in hypermania and mania the person often tells people what they suspect as fact, elaboraing it and filling in details until they become actual memories that they cannot tell from reality. You really have two choices... try to contact a few select old friends that you were close to and ask if they want to go out and do something (you need to stop hiding and start living) or create new friends with people you know but never palled around with.

My suggestion would be for you to call your local legal aide office and see if someone can give you some suggestions for self-protection in this process as well as things you should do about the divorce papers that have not been served. You really have no proof that she filed so now would be the time to get some legal advice, it may just be an empty threat on her part to keep distance.

BT,

thanks for replying again. i did see a lawyer for a free consultation and they looked up in the computer and found out she filed on July 22. Basically the divorce is only theoretical until i'm served. . . if i avoid being served successfully, eventually there's a process she can use to serve me indirectly (publishing notice in the newspaper 4 consecutive weeks), but she has to show a good faith effort to find where i am by contacting friends and family, internet search, etc.

i can't use legal aid, since she already used it and i'm listed as an "opposing party."

i heard that she tried to serve me back in july, but i was out of town, getting mail forwarded, and it got stuck at the other post office.

but since then, i have no proof she's tried to serve me, just one or two knocks on the door i didn't answer. haven't seen her or heard anything for 3 wks, since i ran into her in a parking lot and told her i'd do an easy divorce (give up my rights) if she sat down and talked to me.

i'm hoping she's slowing down on the whole thing, who knows.

i''m trying to meet people online but it's slow going. i only have one friend in town that's still talking to me (mostly we had common friends). we never had close friends in town, only been here a couple years.

i'm surprised she hasn't lost her job yet. . . i could call her there anytime, but i'll bet they wouldn't let me talk to her.

thanks everyone.

[ryepatch]

does anybody have any experience with their spouse totally dropping all contact with them? does anybody do this that isn't mentally ill? we don't have kids but still have tax, insurance issues to discuss. . .

it's just so insane, and it's killing me having no idea what she's thinking.

[ryepatch]

Friday night. . .

halfway to the point where the divorce expires and she would have to fill out the paperwork, pay the fee and file all over again. that's my goal, two more months.

i'm really hoping this is the bottom, as close to divorce as we get. our therapist told me don't trust what's on the surface with her.

i really have trouble believing she won't want to spend christmas together. it's always just been the two of us, the last nine christmases, never spent it with our families. just us and the cats.

antidepressants finally working, too, more able to sleep. still have nothing to do this weekend, hope someone i called or emailed calls me back. when you're unemployed and don't really have local friends, you live for the relative structure of weekdays and fear the long lonely expanse of the weekends.

[tristan]

Hey Ryepatch.

Hang in there. You need to get out. Do anything. Drive 8 hours to see an old friend or relative if you have too. Go to meetup.com, sign in, find a group that interests you, and just go.

Seriously, I was right where you are. Even if you don't feel like it, go do something. You will feel better.

[GoBison]

Ryepatch hang in there. I haven't read through all your posts but I am right were you are. My W left on 7/08 I have talked to her once since then and all she wanted to do is fill our the d papers. That was two weeks ago. I haven't been served yet but I am sure it will be soon.

You really need to detach. We recently moved to a new town as well and I am limited on friends here. Although I have been getting out if just by myself. It really does help. I like going out and playing free poker at the bars. Don't have to drink and really meet some good people. The point is just get out and quit worrying about being served.

My W means the world to me but she is not the only woman out there. Once you realize that you wil be better off.

[tristan]

glad to see you're getting out. i've been doing my best, but it can be hard. . . it's great that you and W are civil.

ryepatch. It is hard. Last weekend I drove 3 hours to visit with my brother. Last night, I spent the first 45 minutes thinking "What the he!! am I doing here. I know no one. And I don't fit in at all." But I settled in and found a couple of people that I really felt comfortable with.

It won't be comfortable. I know you want to hide in a hole. I still get that feeling too. But don't give in to that desire, it only makes things worse.

And read around. Being served is not the end to this at all. There is still a lot that goes on afterward. If you read over on my thread, PhoenixDeux was divorced and remarried. So it is never over. And I don't want to bring you down, but seriously, how would being served make your relationship any worse? She hasn't made contact with you in weeks.

From what I have read it definitely sounds like your W is manic right now; which means she is not the woman you married. I pray that the woman you married will come back to you. It sounds like the 2 of you have a wonderful relationship. But for now, assume that woman is away on a long trip and you need to do something with your time until she is back. Enjoy it and live, don't hide.

One question I keep asking myself these days is "If I were the man I wanted to be, what would I do?" It helps a lot.

Take care, I'm pulling for you ryepatch.

[ryepatch]

i'm not hiding, just having trouble with not really having friends here anymore. all of "our" friends are now her friends only. . . did go out last night with a girl from my bipolar support group, had a good time although my head is pounding today! also spent money i shouldn't have.

i don't have any friends for over a thousand miles, can't see anybody unless i get on a plane. been trying to convince my friend back east who can't find a job right now to come out here and move in with me, i don't know if he will.

as for getting served. . . well, our therapist thinks a divorce wouldn't make much difference in our bond if we handle it right. i'm hoping she's starting to realize that hiring lawyers and having an antagonistic process can only be bad for both of us.

but i would have to fight back if she doesn't accept mediation.

i'm trying to be positive and think that she's having second thoughts. . .

[ryepatch]

so, saw my therapist again today, he says he's 90% sure my W has a mood disorder of some kind. . . thinks she wants to come home someday in the back of her head, that's she's probably still blaming her moods on me even though we haven't been in contact but that that won't last forever.

i'm starting to do a little better, the antidepressants have kind of stopped the bleeding. i'm starting to accept that i've gotta take small steps and treat my mind like a broken leg, not push myself too hard. i'm going to assume she's coming back, but not til christmas and there won't be any good signs til almost thanksgiving. that gives me a time frame to get my head together, hopefully get a job, make friends which is starting to work a little.

i'm going to stop even thinking about the big stuff, and try to stop worrying. this NC is good, even though it's bad. i have to get myself ready for whatever happens when we do start talking again, whether it's about D or R or just the weather.

anyone have any ideas why she might not be contacting me, or going ahead with the D?

[tristan]

i'm going to assume she's coming back, but not til christmas and there won't be any good signs til almost thanksgiving.

Be careful with setting timeframes, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Live in the now and accept what is. She is sick, saying she will be better by Christmas is sort of like saying someones cancer will be in remission by next month. I would take each day as it comes.

I have started contemplating plans for what I want to do if W does not come back. I have started thinking of a timeframe for when I would start pushing for dissolution. Unfortunately, it is the only part of the relationship of which I have total control. Thus, the only thing to which I can set a timeframe. Now I happen to be thinking the beginning of next year as well. I figure if she shows no desire to be a family through the holdiays, then it is probably a marriage that needs dissolved.

anyone have any ideas why she might not be contacting me, or going ahead with the D?

I would guess she is having ambivalent thoughts about it. Plus, what would her motivation be for pushing for a divorce now? It would cost her money and it sounds like she would owe you spousal support after it was done. She has a better deal where she is at right now. Finally, if she is sick, she is going to be doing irrational things.

[ryepatch]

[quote=ryepatch]i'm going to assume she's coming back, but not til christmas and there won't be any good signs til almost thanksgiving.

Be careful with setting timeframes, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Live in the now and accept what is. She is sick, saying she will be better by Christmas is sort of like saying someones cancer will be in remission by next month. I would take each day as it comes.

I have started contemplating plans for what I want to do if W does not come back. I have started thinking of a timeframe for when I would start pushing for dissolution. Unfortunately, it is the only part of the relationship of which I have total control. Thus, the only thing to which I can set a timeframe. Now I happen to be thinking the beginning of next year as well. I figure if she shows no desire to be a family through the holdiays, then it is probably a marriage that needs dissolved.

[quote=ryepatch]

that's all that i mean, really, that if there's no contact and no D by the holidays i'm going to have to take action by myself. also, i'm trying to live in the now and not worry about how long it takes, just figure that something will have changed by then. and i'm accepting that i won't hear much in the next few months. if i do i'll be pleaasantly surprised, hopefully.

yeah, there's no rational, practical reason for her to push for D, but she was adamant about it before, so even if it's just that she's calmed down enough to realize that, it's a good sign, i think.