i wouldn't bother demanding yet that she stop seeing the OM. . .
I WOULD! This has been going on for 2 years. I fail to see how continuing to have a third party in this relationship is acceptable.
I agree completely.
No, you cannot demand, ANYTHING -- that's controlling. But you CAN -- and SHOULD -- set boundaries. Boundaries are about YOU:
"I cannot continue to live in a marriage where my wife is having an affair," or
"I cannot continue to be your best friend while you are betraying our wedding vows; it violates my personal integrity,"
etc.
It seems to me, Tristan, from your depictions of your interactions with her (and they are very thorough and help us to understand all the dynamics -- you write so well!), that at this point, anyway, she probably values your FRIENDSHIP, COMPANIONSHIP and SUPPORT more than she does any sense of husband-wife intimacy with you. Pulling back on the friendship may yield some strong fruit for you, I suspect.
