UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Eskimo Nell]

Hey Rabbit
Counselling was OK (see reply to Oz) but today was a real rip of the old heart as I drove first past H's old work place and then straight past where his new office is. It was so tempting to turn the corner and drive right by to just see his car, or even call him and say "look out of the window"!! It would have been so much fun at any other time and, as it was lunch time, I would have even asked him to come eat with me. Instead, I drove on.

On the way back, I imagined myself driving there in his car, as I used to if I had the SUV for any reason. Now, it feels like it's a forbidden place for me to go and I stay away like there's barbed wire all around the office building. I was scared, I think, as if his car had not been there I would have panicked. H often goes on a little 'trip' during the day if he has any chance to get out of the four walls but the damage it would have done to me if his car wasn't there was not worth the risk.

After having driven past both office buildings, I then drove through the suburb where he is living. Knowing not exactly where, every unit looked like it could have potential for being 'his'. I had to take this route to get to the place where my afternoon meeting was - there was just no avoiding it.

Feeling like I needed a treat and passing by the opportune lighting shop, I pulled in and attempted to buy a pair of 'touch control' bed lamps. The shop didn't have them in stock but kindly rang a store nearer to me so that I can pick them up tomorrow. My treat to me for almost having finished two weeks at work and having spent nearly all my tax refund on house bills. Who can afford to GAL?!! Not me!

I could almost feel his breath on me, I was that close to him. Now I am 60kms away.

Tonight I drove down the newly opened freeway extension, loving it and thinking of all the conversations that we had about when it opened. It opened on Sunday after we have watched every bit of it being built over the last 18 months.... and then I drive it on my own, for the first time. I felt as lonely as I could ever be and so scared too when a section of it was in complete darkness. They have put a big truck inspection bay in (really unusual for around here) and there are those beautiful "runway blue" lights as road markers. H would have been impressed as we both love that colour of the cat-eyes and I just wanted to come home and email him about it. I know that it's a silly thing but it's something that we would have chatted loosely about - those 'nonsense' topics that mean nothing but kind of finish off something that has been going on for a long time.

So, more dreams last night and equally as diagnostic of my situation as the previous ones were. It's so freaky.

My gf back home also said that she had been to a clairvoyant who told her that a very close friend is having martial difficulties but next year would be a better year. B is absolutely convinced that this was meant for me. How is it going to be better though?? I told her that if I KNEW 100% that H was coming home, I would be GAL'ing like a go-go girl right now. Would any of us really be this heartbroken if we knew that our WAS was coming back?? I think not.

OK - so it's off to bed for me. More out and about tomorrow and then quiet on Thursday when the whole office go on a "planning" day, that I have not been invited to!! Instead, I have been nominated to stay 'home' and take all the office phone calls - the damned cheek of it!! Ergo, Nell plans to stock up on books and do nothing but read her way through the day whilst being in the new role of telephone operator!!

Ciao bella's - catcha's tomorrow.