Let me add my own "redundant" view .... are we not putting way too much weight on a single letter. Should H not be able to express himself face to face with you Maria and tell you how badly he wants you to get back together? As I mentionned earlier today, there is no reason why you should rush into a decision.
Only you know if you have it in you to work at this...but the following quote from you speaks volumes to me: <<No, there is NOTHING=NOONE else that you "missed"... I wish there was.>> It is the last part, the wishing part that does not sound like it comes from someone who is ready to put on their workboots. Not saying I blame you for feeling this way...actually, I think he is lucky you are still accepting his letters.
Frank, funny you mentioned this. This is stxH's mentality at the moment. He "feels we can now make an honest effort to be together because all is out in the open, there are no secrets and he feels he can be himself" (is that good or bad? LOL )
It is all out there and while it has been painful, it has been freeing as well. Yep plow the old foundation away, it wasn't very sturdy anymore. The old marriage has to die before there can be any hope of rebuilding. Now what does Maria really want?
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
kalni...I agree with frank_d. Dr. Gray even says that the hope for reconciliation is a form of denial and that broken relationships cannot be rebuilt until they are totally dismantled and rebuilt from scratch.
Unless your H is willing to do the work, you will live in a constant state of distrust. You will wonder where he is at night if he is not home on time. You will be predisposed to snooping, etc.
Virtually ALL books written on infidelity discuss that the R/M is doomed unless that spouse that committed the infidelity is completely able to realize their mistake, recommit, apologize with sincerity and do the necessary work to heal.
Kalni...what do you need? What do you want to hear from him or see him to do that would heal you quickly, if at all? Will he do what is needed for you and will he stick to the plan?
A lot of questions.
I am not telling you what to do, but, sometimes, we need to follow a plan. Plans can always be changed.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I do believe that there is a part of you that wishes your husband was right, that things could eventually be repaired and the family/marriage restored.
Frankly, I'd be shocked if there was not some part of you that still hoped for that. We all have been there. Many here still ARE there. I think it's the surest sign there is that things are over - that you no longer hope that things will work out.
It's hard to pass judgement on a man that we know only through what you have shared with us. Certain things are obvious - adultery is ALWAYS a bad thing and reflective of a person with serious, marriage-destroying characteristics. Other things are not so clear, and we do both you and your husband a disservice by assuming too much. I say this as much for myself as for anyone, because my inclination all along has been to find nothing but fault with this man.
That being said, I truly hope that you would almost literally need mountains to move to allow this man to re-enter your life as a husband.
His betrayal of you has lasted YEARS. Not days, not weeks, not months...YEARS. He has shown the ability to not only betray physically his vows to you, he has shown the ability to lie openly and frequently about what he has done. And while he now points the finger at himself, it was not so long ago that he was quick to name YOU the problem in the relationship.
These are not on the top of the list when it comes to attributes you look for in a life long spouse.
At the very least, this man has SIGNIFICANT counseling in front of him to address these inclinations.
And that's if he can ever even get to the point where he can honestly admit that these are problems for him.
I too value the family and the marriage. I did not want my lifelong marriage to come to an end. But now that it has, I can tell you that sometimes the change turns out to be a good change, even a necessary change. Opportunities do not end, life does not stop, families are not forever ruined. Yes, divorce is hard, painful, costly and damaging. But so is willingly subjecting yourself to a spouse who has made it clear that their character will regularly lead them away from you and to another.
Your children are young, so I'm not sure how much of their father's indiscretions they know about or can understand. My boys were older, and let me tell you that 14 and 18 year-olds understand all too well what it means to have a father or mother who slept with another.
I join the others in wanting the best for you and your family. It would be wonderful if this would turn out to be a seminal moment in your husband's existence; if he would recognize his shortcomings, come clean with his wrongs, and truly seek healing that would eventually make a life together possible. But don't allow yourself to be one of those people who allow the return home to be too easy, and in the process allow the poor choices by your spouse to continue.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Bill thanks. I know for every person things are different. Just a question if you are reading and actually adressed to all reading : what could be enough that would allow me to enter this "phase" again ? For each one of you? After everything that has happened?
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
LOL )