Thanks Dudess...no, the unicorns were not pooping butterflies...yet. ;P
Tonight I felt what I would call "flickers" of previous behavior. There has been a lot of physical affection between us lately, almost like he's been away on a long trip and just got back, oh, and this time I missed him. ha ha.
Anyway, tonight a couple of different times I said, oh I want a cuddle. Which he ignored.. I asked him if I could sit with him on the couch, and he kind of made room for me, but didn't like...accept me into his space really. Now, he's always moaned about how I wont' come sit with him (usually after him ranting and raving at me), so I do this partly FOR him, but he's cool towards it tonight for some reason.
So I go about my business and not pay too much attention to that, went and did other things. We've both been looking forward to going to bed together in the evenings. The second time I'd asked for a cuddle he was like...now?? How about when we go to bed. I'm about ready for bed. Um, okay. Weirdness. Who says...now?? when someone wants a hug?
So I was in bed first, reading til he came in...he comes in, stretches out with his back to me, totally ignores me. So I kind of snuggled up to his back, I mean that was fine. But again it was this...not accepting me. Not like he pushed me away, but he acted like I wasn't there. So after a few mintues I rolled back over and he said why did you do that? I said well it seemed like you didn't really want me doing that. He said...nothing. Silence. I said, well, I guess I was right. He said...nothing. Silence.
Now this is flickers of his weirdness. I however, did not get upset like in the past. I simply said, you know, that hurts my feelings. A little more silence, then he says well when I go to bed, I just need to lay a certain way to stretch out my back. Whatever. Unless he doesn't? That has nothing to do with not shifting that tiny bit to accept someone's arm or hand, you know? I can TELL the difference, but of course he acts as if there is no difference. I'm not saying this to split hairs or be petty, I'm talking about some odd thing that comes over him.
It's hard to describe, but it's just a coolness, a strange resistance to what was perfectly normal yesterday. If he just wants left alone sometimes that's okay...but he somehow manages to be rejecting about it. It's bizarre. It doesn't feel like someone just wanting some space, it feels passive aggressive. And the double bind has always been that if I give him space he seems to be wanting then he will get mad at me later for doing so.
Anyway, my insides are kind of on alert now. But I don't feel all the pain that this behavior used to do to me. I'm just sort of watching. Just mulling it over because I can't sleep.
