Hey Gucci, Puppy, RobX and Coach!

[BigJohn]

[QUOTE] The biggest thing I've done to turn the tide is to be proactive in pushing for the D. Just think of it as a poker bluff, the more convincing the better. Hey, if it works, great, and if it doesn't work, well then you were going to get D anyway, so at least you maintained some pride and dignity. I think the whole dating thing is similar. It drives home the reality that you are really going to be GONE. The WAW is so self centered, so egotistical, that they truly believe you'll always be there for them.

The whole goal of DBing is to chip away at that false sense of security and swagger. While they're in the honeymoon phase of an A, it's impossible, as their sense of reality is distorted by the love chemicals in their brain, but after a few months that wears off, and slowly but surely reality sets in. That's when they become suceptible to the fear of loss. Can be frustrating at first, when everyhing we do seems to just bounce off them, but don't worry, that armor is cracking, slow but sure.

Future,

Great points. Very much my same thought process.

Thanks.

[BigJohn]

Hey does anyone have suggestions on how to spend an anniversary with a WAW? Our 10th anniversary is this Friday and I was wondering if I should do anything at all. I was thinking of a card only but idk.
Any help on this would be appreciated.

Jman,

As you know from following my sitch, I sent a TM to my W while she was on her recent out of state trip telling her Happy Anniversary. It was our 17th wedding anniversary. That was it and I waited until a quarter to midnight her time to do it. I was tempted beforehand to do a nice card with some mushy sentiments (like I usually do) but I didn't. Glad I kept it to a TM- my W was with OM when she got the TM! I would have felt like a bigger fool than I was had I done anything more.

As a side note, when my W's B-Day came up last month, it was NO card, NO present, NO dinner out and NO "Happy Birthday" from me. Nothing. It was just another day for me.

[BigJohn]

Hey everybody,

Thanks for lighting up my thread with your comments and feedback. I think I responded to everyone's post from yesterday. I really appreciate you guys, you help keep me going.

Thank you!

[iwantittowork]

Looking back, I'm comfortable overall as to how my sitch has developed. Sure, I could have done many things sooner, faster, and better. But I think I started off my sitch the right way, first trying to understand and empathize with my WAW from her perspective (with much help from my pal Sandi) and work the sitch from that angle. There was a high price to pay for starting off with this approach emotionally and otherwise, but it was the right thing to do.

I think that's good for you BJ, and that process is part of working on yourself as well, I feel. I have been attempting to do the same for me, so that after all is said and done, regardless of where we are, I will be comfortable looking back and saying I did the best I could in this sitch.

BTW, how are things going with you IWITW?

I am keeping busy this week, so not much interaction with W, but after this past weekend of really cold/distant feelings from my W where she seemed to be forcing herself to be anywhere but where I was, last night she was almost her old self.

We only spent about 10-15 minutes talking but she allowed herself to joke and laugh, and also didn't just jump off the couch and head to a different room, and to talk about changes at her school she works at, where I also tried to affirm and respond to what she was saying positively.

Marked difference in attitude there between the weekend and last night. No idea why or what she's thinking but I stopped trying to decipher that and just note it along the way.

Meanwhile, I need to finish the financial paperwork for mediator, and I also have been consulting with 2-3 more L's to find the one I like the most, if we have to go that route too. So no slowing down on the D front...

I also continue to read "Learned Optimism" by Seligman, and I HIGHLY recommend it for people, thanks to Coach for that one!

[BigJohn]

IWITW,

I'll have to check that book out when I have a chance. Got quite a few things on my reading list thus far I need to get through though.

Hang in there!

[BigJohn]

Bump!

[Jman]

The W called me tonight asking if it would be ok for her to attend a BodyPump Instructor course in Oct. I would have to take off work one day and there is the cost involved too. I told her I would look to see if I can take off but made no promises at all. This is unbelievable bc our anniversary was on Friday and she did not aknowledge anything about that I gave her a working on the R card and a note not love though. So here I am I want to make it tough as hell for her and make her sweat all the way to the last second to go to this class.
This is due to the other day when she told me I am not productive and she would not know where to begin to reconcile if she wanted to though. All of a sudden I am not productive maybe due to me putting everyone elses needs first for the last 10 yrs but that has changed. I am looking at getting my teacher cert for firefighters very shortly and possibly starting a catering biz out of my house along with my current FF job. So yeah I am unproductive and we shall see.
I am contemplating D her due to everyone telling me I should strike first. Everyone is telling me to that maybe this is gods will for me to be with her to bring my C in this world and that it is poss there is someone in the future that I am suppose to end up with. Idk it is confusing to me on whether I should pull the plug on her or not. Just to make a statement like the poker bluff someone mentioned above.
So, can I get some clear headed perspective on this?

[BigJohn]

The W called me tonight asking if it would be ok for her to attend a BodyPump Instructor course in Oct. I would have to take off work one day and there is the cost involved too. I told her I would look to see if I can take off but made no promises at all. This is unbelievable bc our anniversary was on Friday and she did not aknowledge anything about that I gave her a working on the R card and a note not love though. So here I am I want to make it tough as hell for her and make her sweat all the way to the last second to go to this class.

Jman,

My W pulled something similar with me when she was going to church camp a while back. She told me to burn a few of my vacation days in the middle of the week to watch the kids so she wouldn't have to ask anyone to babysit my D. Not that I don't like spending time with my kids, but I didn't appreciate the thoughtlessness- I like to decide when to use my vacation days and it usually is before or after a weekend. So I told her to stuff it, it's her problem not mine. Miraculously, she had the problem solved in no time.

I think accommodating your W right now is definitely not the right answer nor is waiting until the last minute to tell her you are not available. Doing so would be inconsiderate and game playing- don't lower yourself to her level.

This is due to the other day when she told me I am not productive and she would not know where to begin to reconcile if she wanted to though. All of a sudden I am not productive maybe due to me putting everyone elses needs first for the last 10 yrs but that has changed.

You bust your a$$ working hard to provide for your family and make personal sacrifices that are either never acknowledged, minimized and/or misinterpreted (i.e. "you must like work more than spending time with your family"). Then when some smooth talking BS shmucko slacker comes wooing the W, suddenly your an a-hole with a litany of shortcomings. Do I have that about right Jman? I'm pretty sure I do since I've been doing the same for the last 17 years. If it makes you feel any better, my W has the same "I just don't know where to begin to start complaining about all your little shortcomings" problem as yours. This is the kind of crap that I am so done with! Looks to me that my W is going to find out the HARD WAY how damn good she had it with me even with my shortcomings. I am really looking forward to educating my W on what the definition of a "real man" is- either through D or R- her choice.

I am contemplating D her due to everyone telling me I should strike first. Everyone is telling me to that maybe this is gods will for me to be with her to bring my C in this world and that it is poss there is someone in the future that I am suppose to end up with. Idk it is confusing to me on whether I should pull the plug on her or not. Just to make a statement like the poker bluff someone mentioned above.
So, can I get some clear headed perspective on this?

Jman, I would not strike first by filing for D unless your W was posturing like mine was. If things are really getting that untolerable in your sitch, maybe it's time you start discussing a physical S with your W. But before doing that, I think I'd give a shot at behavior modification by implementing some tough love and boundary setting first. What do you think?

[Jman]

BJ,

Thanks for the clarity, what do u mean by wife posturing?

I am going to pick up that tough love book today and learned optimism too.

She is acting very nice today and is even willing to pick me up something at the mall when I asked. I told her not to go out of her way.

She is going to be on her own with this class she wants to take when I tell her the vac slots r full at work.

I am going out tonight to enjoy myself after working 2 days straight.

[BigJohn]

BJ,

Thanks for the clarity, what do u mean by wife posturing?

I am going to pick up that tough love book today and learned optimism too.

She is acting very nice today and is even willing to pick me up something at the mall when I asked. I told her not to go out of her way.

She is going to be on her own with this class she wants to take when I tell her the vac slots r full at work.

I am going out tonight to enjoy myself after working 2 days straight.

Jman,

What I meant by posturing was my W appeared to be gearing up to file for D first- presumably in an effort to kick me out of our house.

Regarding the mall visit, I wouldn't discourage your W from being considerate to you, especially if you asked her to pick up something for you.

Sounds like you are doing the right thing regarding not taking off vacation time to acommodate her class.

Hope things are well with you. Take care.