Hi Rachel,
NO, there were 2 OWs...the second one was his way of running back to the failed ways of sating his pain like he did with OW #1. OW #2 was strickly a 'booty call'...SHE even told me that although she was very attracted to him emotionally HE told her it was strickly a sexual relationship and she shouldn't expect anything else from it. She said that despite his coldness, she "THOUGHT" he'd eventually care for her too...she was very ashamed of her own behavior.

I think I kept the possibility of reconciling going by remaining in touch with him. I didn't call him (except on RARE occassions when I had to) but he called me. I let him keep coming around to take care of the house (lawn/home repairs etc). Eventually we discussed 'dating' that convo was initiated by me. He hesitantly agreed to try that. The first few 'dates' ended with me bringing up R talks...NOT GOOD....then I forced myself to STOP using what was suppose to be reconnecting/quality time with him to douse him with guilt and pain. When I started keeping ALL our social contacts upbeat and pleasant, HE started intiating dates. FORTUNATELY I was able to catch on to the pattern and so the dates became more frequent and so did his visits to the house.

After a few weeks of good contact, I INVITED HIM to spend a weekend, the first one or two were so so because MY expectations didn't quite match HIS. I wanted intimacy...he was still to guilt ridden for that. So I got hurt/rejected by my own plans that didn't pan out. Then by August, he began being more excepting of the idea of intimacy so we've been moving along pretty well with that now, but only once a week at most.

I think, that despite my days/hours/moments of insanity...my H finally came to realize that some of my craziness was to be expected and normal considering all that's happened. I'm NOT as apt to go 'sulky' on him anymore and when something is really bothering me, I say so. I say it in a 'me' statement: I feel that, when you do/say such and such I think that...
I try never to use 'always' statements now, like: You NEVER, you ALWAYS etc etc....because statements like those put him on the defensive, and rightfully so, NO ONE ever or always, anything.

I have also told my H (I think in August) that I had decided that I loved him enough to wait for him to sort through the pain in his life. That I would try to be there for him when he worked through his issues and if at the end of his search he wanted to try to make our marriage work again. The night I told him that he cried and he actually thanked me. I then backed off, removed ALL the pressure. We continued regular contact but I stopped ALL R talk completely. Within a week or two of that, he started coming forward and was more upbeat around me.

I realize now that he spent a great deal of time holding his breath around me waiting for the guilt trip to start or my sullen mood to kick in....no wonder being around me was such a downer.

WE do ourselves and our R a great diservice by asking our confused and guilt ridden Hs to reassure us of anything, whether it's our sexual attractiveness, their love for us etc....because THEY are convinced that no matter what they say, WE will assume they're full of sh$t.

It's very very hard not to beg for a crumb of reassurance but at the same time, that begging is seen by them as a neediness that in thier confusion they can't meet. They are busy licking their own self inflicted wounds and tending to ours, right now, is almost unbearable to them.
T2