Rachel, Bomb #1 was June 21 of 2002.. Bomb #2 was Dec 21 2002... My H didn't REALLY start to 'come around' in his heart and mind until July of 2003, and that was just the 'break thru' for him. Prior to that he was given reconciliation 'lip service' but there was NO REAL commitment or desire to do so on his part. I think right up until July he was maintaining an 'escape route' in his head. I've seen the biggest advancements since September of this year..they've been slow and tiny but picked up their own head of steam by the end of the month. He's still waivering and battling his demons so there are hours/days that he's the old H and then he flips over to the depresssed/fearful H...so we're NOT home free yet but we may really be heading that way. Only time will tell. I expect things to bounce around for several more months.
As for making plans, in retrospect I can say this much, IF I had backed off completely, my H would never have moved forward. I kept us 'alive' despite the fact that I also kept us 'apart'...My keeping the possibility of reconciliation available to him (even during my craziest periods) kept him tethered to me. I didn't give up so he couldn't bring himself too either and believe me...he wanted to because my giving up would have made it easier for him. HE wanted me to hate him so that he wouldn't have to face himself or me for what he'd done.
HE DOES know what you've lived thru...he won't tell you that, but he does know and he HATES himself for that.
My H was a stranger to me for almost three years (started going nuts in 2001) but I didn't catch on completely until the bomb in 2002 and that's because I was to self absorbed to notice before that.
By the way, by the time my life is normal again, I fully expect to have a house full of string beads and clay bunnies ....so don't be surprised if you do to
Oh and don't forget....with regard to your son, he knows he's breached that sacred trust between his son too. He knows that he's no longer the 'role model' of manhood in his son's eyes after what he's done. He knows he's shown himself to his son to have failed morally as a man. That's a tough pill to swallow. My H suffers from the loss of his sons respect he knows that's a price he'll pay the rest of his life for what he did.
It REALLY REALLY is all about time and YOUR patience. T2
Quote: As for making plans, in retrospect I can say this much, IF I had backed off completely, my H would never have moved forward. I kept us 'alive' despite the fact that I also kept us 'apart'...My keeping the possibility of reconciliation available to him (even during my craziest periods) kept him tethered to me. I didn't give up so he couldn't bring himself too either and believe me...he wanted to because my giving up would have made it easier for him. HE wanted me to hate him so that he wouldn't have to face himself or me for what he'd done.
HE DOES know what you've lived thru...he won't tell you that, but he does know and he HATES himself for that.
Hey T2 I wonder if this is why my H hasn't moved the rest of his "S***" out as he's threatened to do so many times. He knows I haven't given up and all of his ugliness was his way of making me hate him, also. But I wouldn't do it, no matter what happened, we would still have had to be in contact as our son is only 3, so we'd be talking/seeing a lot of each other either way.for the next 15 years. Him wanting me to make the decision on what do to would be his easy way out also. If we did D, then it would have been because I wanted to and then no matter how son turned out it would have been my fault because I wanted the D, not H. He'd put that whole thing back on me just like he did on SS's mom, H's first wife. The reason SS turned out the way he did was because of his mom, it's her fault, and on and on. But you know what SS turned out to be a great kid! I mean a wonderful thoughtful, kind and nice kid, he always has been. I do blame that on his mom!
T2, I'm in need of a lesson in keeping mouth shut 101. I got anxious and thought he was ready to move forward faster than he really was and he's pulled back. Is there one person on this whole entire BB that hasn't happened to? T2, was both bombs the same W? Tell me how you kept it going between you but didn't push too much. They really do want us to hate them I think. They think it's easier and safer that way for them so they don't have to face every day of their lives realizing they hurt this person that stood by them through it all. The thing with our S is eating at him I know. He does know he's no longer the role model he was, so he really doesn't try to live up to it anymore. What's the use? In his eyes the damage has been done. I sometimes want to walk away to get away from all the pain, but it would still be there. Something in me won't give up. I think that kind of staying power has alot to to do with them trying to get the feelings back again. T2, tell me what you've been doing all this time that led up to now and him wanting to move back. I feel I'm doing the right things by keeping in contact, and acting as if it will be alright between us. I just have to learn to harness this ambition to get back to status quo at break neck speed. When he was leaving our D's tonight, I asked him if he wanted me (ok,I'm blunt) and he said mmmmm, maybe. As much as I've wanted to break his neck for his latest actions, I decided what would bring me closer to what I wanted was to be sweet, and just go back to the way things were. NO R talks, no pressure. Gee,it really is all about him isn't it???? T2.....tell all please! Rachael
Hi Rachel, NO, there were 2 OWs...the second one was his way of running back to the failed ways of sating his pain like he did with OW #1. OW #2 was strickly a 'booty call'...SHE even told me that although she was very attracted to him emotionally HE told her it was strickly a sexual relationship and she shouldn't expect anything else from it. She said that despite his coldness, she "THOUGHT" he'd eventually care for her too...she was very ashamed of her own behavior.
I think I kept the possibility of reconciling going by remaining in touch with him. I didn't call him (except on RARE occassions when I had to) but he called me. I let him keep coming around to take care of the house (lawn/home repairs etc). Eventually we discussed 'dating' that convo was initiated by me. He hesitantly agreed to try that. The first few 'dates' ended with me bringing up R talks...NOT GOOD....then I forced myself to STOP using what was suppose to be reconnecting/quality time with him to douse him with guilt and pain. When I started keeping ALL our social contacts upbeat and pleasant, HE started intiating dates. FORTUNATELY I was able to catch on to the pattern and so the dates became more frequent and so did his visits to the house.
After a few weeks of good contact, I INVITED HIM to spend a weekend, the first one or two were so so because MY expectations didn't quite match HIS. I wanted intimacy...he was still to guilt ridden for that. So I got hurt/rejected by my own plans that didn't pan out. Then by August, he began being more excepting of the idea of intimacy so we've been moving along pretty well with that now, but only once a week at most.
I think, that despite my days/hours/moments of insanity...my H finally came to realize that some of my craziness was to be expected and normal considering all that's happened. I'm NOT as apt to go 'sulky' on him anymore and when something is really bothering me, I say so. I say it in a 'me' statement: I feel that, when you do/say such and such I think that... I try never to use 'always' statements now, like: You NEVER, you ALWAYS etc etc....because statements like those put him on the defensive, and rightfully so, NO ONE ever or always, anything.
I have also told my H (I think in August) that I had decided that I loved him enough to wait for him to sort through the pain in his life. That I would try to be there for him when he worked through his issues and if at the end of his search he wanted to try to make our marriage work again. The night I told him that he cried and he actually thanked me. I then backed off, removed ALL the pressure. We continued regular contact but I stopped ALL R talk completely. Within a week or two of that, he started coming forward and was more upbeat around me.
I realize now that he spent a great deal of time holding his breath around me waiting for the guilt trip to start or my sullen mood to kick in....no wonder being around me was such a downer.
WE do ourselves and our R a great diservice by asking our confused and guilt ridden Hs to reassure us of anything, whether it's our sexual attractiveness, their love for us etc....because THEY are convinced that no matter what they say, WE will assume they're full of sh$t.
It's very very hard not to beg for a crumb of reassurance but at the same time, that begging is seen by them as a neediness that in thier confusion they can't meet. They are busy licking their own self inflicted wounds and tending to ours, right now, is almost unbearable to them. T2
Morning KK, Mine was peaceful too. My son and his GF had dinner with us at home and my H had a terrific headache and turned in around 9:30. I let him go off to bed alone and I stayed up and watched TV. So all in all...despite my Hs 'down' night, everything was okay.
Quote: WE do ourselves and our R a great diservice by asking our confused and guilt ridden Hs to reassure us of anything, whether it's our sexual attractiveness, their love for us etc....because THEY are convinced that no matter what they say, WE will assume they're full of sh$t.
i never quite looked at it this way, but they have to feel this way. thanks t2, that was totally insightful. there has to be a gradual building to that point again, where they can trust us to believe what they say eh?
Quote: They really do want us to hate them I think. They think it's easier and safer that way for them so they don't have to face every day of their lives realizing they hurt this person that stood by them through it all.
Well, that hit the nail on the head! I agree 100%!
T2,
I found your recap of what happened interesting.Thanks!
Is your spouse and mlc spouse, too? Are there a lot of mlc marriages over here that are piecing? I just posted to Shiny, have posted previously to Cathy and popped in your thread because I had seen it mentioned over in mlc forum.
