confronting about affair- help!

[sosadoh]

thanks- I like the part about it being time for him to read my book!
I try to remember he has no power over me, in fact I said that to him, but he still has power over my heart. I think he just gave up without trying- and maybe that "means" that he isn't willing to change, never will, I am better off without him, etc, but it still hurts. I seem to have gotten it in my head (with his help) that I am the one giving up.

[BrokenTrust]

((((SoSadNy))))

You are not giving up, you are the one that has been fighting and working to better yourself and you know and I know that he will try to lay all blame at your feet.

Just stay strong... I know it hurts and I wish that there was a way to make it easier on you, just remember that you have to do what is in your best interest.

Nothing says this is the end, where there is life there is hope... but it can be the end of the 'status quo'.

[sosadoh]

Thanks BT- your words are sooo encouraging.
He called today mostly to ask about some financial stuff that I used to take care of that he has to do now. I was really proud about how detached I was able to sound on the phone- and I could sense him kind of squirming. He said he had a really bad weekend but I didn't even ask about it. Of course it was soooo hard. I felt good though. Then I went out with friends for dinner and drinks- they are a couple, so that became uncomfortable and set me back. I really, really miss that security of going out with my husband- he was always really sweet to me when we were around other people or with other couples, which I suppose is sort of disturbing, but I always enjoyed that. I actually feel better when I sit at home alone- at least then I can be miserable in private.
I do have this hope that one day he'll wake up, do the work he needs to do to change, and still want me. If I knew that was going to happen a year from now or more, I'd be smiling right now. But I know that it would be a bad idea to hold my breath and I should just focus on me, b/c I can't control him. I just get so upset thinking that this could be and probably will be forever. It' so weird- why do we love these people after what they do to us?

[sosadoh]

Had a long, tearful convo with him today- he called me out on avoiding conversation with him and I explained that though I care about him it was hard for me to talk to him because I am not detached. We both talked about how we miss eachother but that we probably have a better shot at happiness in the long run if not together. I just miss him so much it makes me ill, and when I think of either one of us being with someone else I want to throw up. He still says he wants to be with me and holds me as the one who walked away and rejected him.
It doesn't make things easier that I am starting my 2nd year of grad school this week and constantly feel like I have to act normal around people.

[Dudess]

He still says he wants to be with me and holds me as the one who walked away and rejected him.

Agree with him. Yes, you have rejected him, not because you didn't love him, but because he was unfaithful. Doh!

[sosadoh]

after fighting so hard to keep him, it feels awful when he says he wants to work on M and I say no because saying and doing are two different things, especially with him. I say that I want to be with him but am I really giving him a chance when I am saying we can't be together for now? I don't have to explain to anyone here that it's irrelevent whether he deserves one or not. I just don't know if there's any hope of us being happy together. I also want to know I did everything I could, and I don't want to regret it either way. I don't want to move on, I want my husband, but a version of him who doesn't cheat on me and makes me feel loved, and maybe that person doesn't exist?

[Andabelle]

Don't let him heap all the blame on you-- like Dudess said, you rejected him for a reason. Doesn't sound like he's really sorry to me.

You are going to waffle back and forth on reconciliation/D for a while, but keep your vacillation to yourself-- don't let him see you spin. You are doing very well.

[sosadoh]

thanks andabelle. at this point i feel that D is inevitable- some days are easy to accept that and others are not. I am able, at long last, to see him for who he was in our marriage. And often, he was a monster. I will always love him but I believe he is fundamentally unable to treat me with the respect and love i deserve and need. he continues to show me in our brief and infrequent (i make them that way) exchanges that he still is clueless, still can't respect boundaries, still is entirely selfish. it's so confusing to love someone who you don't like.
Love isn't ownership. I am letting go because I know I have to. It's just so hard sometimes to let go of that love that is branded into my heart, and what do i do with the memories that haunt me. the holidays are coming up and i miss him like hell. but i don't miss how he treated me.

[sosadoh]

SO- big update this time.
He wants another chance. He made some impressively (for him) self-reflexive statements on the phone the other day. He acknowledged that in the R, he was unable to see past his own emotions, and to see that we were two distinct people. He also acknowledged that it was early in the game- he said he had a lot of work to do on himself and had done some so far. He said: "you were- you ARE my wife- you're my family- I couldn't see that before." He also told me that he didn't need an answer from me now (which clearly I can't give him anyway at this point) but it's a real step for him to not demand an immediate answer.
Ok, now for the red flags:
1. he just lost his job. I'd rather his life was going great so I knew he wasn't looking, even subconsciously, for a life-fix by getting back with me.
2. he hasn't completely humbled himself. (I am basically certain at this point that he suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder). He feel entitled to a 2nd chance- he actually says he deserves one. I told him he does not deserve one, but that that is not really the issue.
3. I am not sure that he, or anyone, for that matter, is capable of SO much change. He says he wants to be a good husband, but he has so far to go and so much work to do- and I think it will be a continual job for him.
4. He hasnt seen a therapist yet

So, my thought now is that I need to sit back, watch and wait. It's ironic, because months ago, he said emphatically that if we stayed apart we would lose feeling for one another, and I disagreed. In the meantime, I have closed my heart to him somewhat, and his feeling for me has grown. Ironic.

It is hard to be unsettled in all of this- I know now that I can live without him, I have serious doubts that he can be a good husband, and I never want to go through infidelity or emotional abuse again. At the same time, if I don't give it a second chance, will I always wonder "what if?"

Any and all thoughts from you wise folks are much appreciated.

[P17]

So, my thought now is that I need to sit back, watch and wait. It's ironic, because months ago, he said emphatically that if we stayed apart we would lose feeling for one another, and I disagreed. In the meantime, I have closed my heart to him somewhat, and his feeling for me has grown. Ironic.

They don't say absence makes the heart grow fonder for nothing. As my IC told me, people who split tend to only remember the good times and forget about the bad times. It's just human nature.

At the same time, if I don't give it a second chance, will I always wonder "what if?"

My takes on this, and it's only mine, is that everybody deserves a second chance. I don't mean in M, I just mean in life. We all screw up, some of us more than others, and we all make mistakes. We should get a second chance to prove that we have learned from that mistake.

I know you don't believe his changes and I can easily understand why. But people can and do change. Some people can dramatically change overnight, some people take weeks, months and years and some people can't do it at all.

I think what you have said about basically waiting it out is a good idea. Let him prove to you that he has changed. But if you do at least give him the time and space to PROVE to you that he changed you also need to give him the compassion and understanding for when he lapses / screws up. And he will. But if he get's back on the horse and makes ground again then at least you know his lapses are temporary and he is committed to himself. If he stays off the horse then you can at least say you tried and you know the answer to your 'what if' question.

He needs to fix himself before he can fix the M. You need to decide if you will let him.