I started to write stuff here and you know what I just can't even bother. She definitely did not have an affair. I've assumed responsibility for all of it to the best of my ability. I just can't help but feel that if the tables were turned I'd be getting nailed for not divorcing before dating another person. It's all pretty discouraging.
I'm on your side.
I was clarifying and responding to JohnF's post in which he referred to her "affair."
As far as you getting "nailed" if it were turned around. I will never judge anyone who has been left behind with children, gone through the hell of picking him/herself up and subsequently dated other people. I think bringing the kids around OP is a short-sighted and irresponsible move. But, if someone implied that I was out of line for dating after what I've been put through, well, let them live through it and then judge. I NEVER thought I would date while married. I was faithful for 14 years. But, my husband has been physically gone and living a "single" life for 10 months now. I have taken advice here to date (which is given to both men and women) and guess what? I went from overall feeling like a worn out hag who had no hope of ever being intimate with another man to feeling attractive and viable and that did wonders for me emotionally and has obviously attracted my H. And, while my kids will be no where near anyone else for a loooong time, if I found what I thought was a great man, I would definitely pursue the relationship. And, I wouldn't judge you if you did the same...I think it is optimal to get through the D before starting a new relationship for obvious reasons, but I refuse to judge.
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So why aren't you encouraging me to man-up and walk away?
I am.
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Obviously anyone who makes a decision and sticks to it no matter the circumstance is either stupid or bigger than life. I'd like to think I'm neither. I guess none of us can know the others' struggles. For me I'm genuine and determined but I'm struggling to find my way through this.
I think you, like many of us spend a lot of time focusing on the things that are not within your control and on the end result as opposed to what you have in front of you.
You can handle this more rationally if you take it one step at a time and be present. I think that you are impatient and a tad impulsive. Can you work on those things? Are those issues she complained about?
We can take the specific issues our spouses had with us and work on them regardless of whether it leads to reconciliation. Patience is not the same as settling or complacency, it is allowing time to reveal what the best outcome will be IMO.
