Just my personal opinion on schedules, but I really like alternating Fri/Sat/Sun. If you can cut down on the number of exchanges, the better it is for the kids.
And since I have the kids every Mon and Tue, I get them for 5 straight days every other week. Wed and Thur are just reserved for me.
KerryK...we split the weekend for now. We didn't formally write up a binding parenting plan during all this (which I regret). I agree with you in that I would love to keep them thru the entire weekend. That is coming.
Despite even an inkling of communication during yesterday's outside of the courtroom shpiel...STBXW was still as angry as can be last night. It's OK.
The end of my 3 year filme noire is rapidly approaching. Well...not really the end...but the beginning of separate lives. It is still sobering to think how someone's feelings change..enough that they are willing to affect their children's lives forever and throw away their home.
But I get it now.
So, it looks like I will be the captain of a sinking ship. In all probability, I will remain in the house as it goes up for sale. Ironically, I was hoping that I would benefit from the loss of mortgage payments and carrying charges. Not to be right now.
I think I will be fine if and when STBXW has to pack and move out. There will be peace.
Of note: STBXW was Catholic; converted before marriage; renegged after becoming a WAS and put her cross back on; then, put a star on during holidays; then put her cross back on; now, the cross is off and she is took them to services on the days that she had them. Although this is positive for the children, I will let all of you figure out the why..........
I spoke with FH last night. We had a wonderful conversation. Our friendship continues.
Outside of all this crap: 1) S9 starts a fall instructional BB league today. He also starts saxophone lessons 2) S6 wants to be a devil for Halloween (how appropos). We are building a gemstone and mineral collection together 3) D6 had a terrible outburst against STBXW on Sunday, her day with them. STBXW came back to the house and was going to dump her with me. D6 was hysterical, crying on the floor and wanted to go with her. They left together again. STBXW told me this morning that she took her to the FC and has rescheduled meetings. I believe she threw water at her and/or pulled her hair.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I did not read your thread in a few days and look what happened! They must not close threads anymore - over 350 posts!
Hang in Frank. You are getting to the end and you continue to be the calm in the storm. Someone needs to be the Rock (remember our Better Men discussions?) and you are it.
BTW, for the others here, Frank is not angry, except maybe with himself. You see deep down he blames himself for all this. The day he was really, really hurt was the day he was forced to file for D. Even now, he never fails to mention that he was the one who filed. No FH, FIB does not need to detach and see her differently. FIB needs to see her for what she is and accept within himself that he is playing the hand he was dealt the best he can and that he is not totally to blame.
It will soon be over Frank and then the hard stuff comes. Time away from the kids. Money issues. Her anger will grow even worse.
So hang in. Continue to come here to vent. Still lots of good support here. I notice frank_d is still around
ah, yes there are still many bumps ahead, and no one thinks she's going to be a happy woman or easy co-parent....
But stbxw won't be in the house soon. FIB won't have to see the anger in his face every day...so
IT WILL BE BETTER SOON.
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
BTW, for the others here, Frank is not angry, except maybe with himself. You see deep down he blames himself for all this. The day he was really, really hurt was the day he was forced to file for D. Even now, he never fails to mention that he was the one who filed.
I remember that day, FIB called me and I was trying to find ways that he could 'DB' the situation and save the marriage while she was threatening him with all kinds of nasty stuff.
After all, I had saved mine at the time so I KNEW it could be done. Except that what I didn't know was the true depth of her insanity. That was a long phone call and I remember how even I felt like a failure when I agreed with him that he should file to protect himself.
I agree frank_d. I too remember FIB's phone calls asking if he was doing the "right" thing - as if there was such. I talked long about how this was not all his fault. Some yes, but not all. What he was responsible for - learn and use for growth. What he was not responsible for - let go.
No one forced xxx into the back seat of a car...
Easier said. Somehow I always beat myself up for my breakup. I did and still do. It is hard. Yes FIB, things will get better and in some ways worse. I just want you to share my emotions so when the dips in the road appear - well I was there ahead of you. As others were.
Frank_d, you pointed out to me many times about my anger and I to you. Only now, eons later that I realize that I was angry at ME and took it out on others. And I "saw" anger in you when there was none really. I have some of that anger still even after all this time.
I don't want FIB to be angry at FIB. I think he is past that but anger is a hard thing to shake loose of.
"That was a lifetime ago for all of us.". True, but it seems like yesterday.
Here's the thing I want to tell you. At the end of the day, this all sucks, big time. There are a myriad of emotions we go through traveling through this. Some days we are angry, others sad, bewildered, perplexed, devastated. There are no right emotions. We feel what we feel. And its all ok.
It doesnt make you less of a man, less of a person if you feel these things. There is no right way to go through this. Just your way for you.
As I have said to you before, you are much too hard on yourself. Cut yourself some slack, man.
As long as we can say to ourselves whatever I did or didnt do was never done with the intent to cause harm. We did the very best we could do with the tools and information we had at the time.
So, my friend, blaming yourself for things really doesnt get you anywhere. It doesnt change what happened. It doesnt serve any purpose. All you can do is use what you've learned from all of this to propel you forward.
It is time for us to dust ourselves off, learn from this experience, change what we need to change and be better people in the future.
Will reply to the above later....D6 seized again today without prodrome or warning. MIL now shows up at the ER. D6 is OK.Needs studies next week. MIL said something about 'putting things aside' to inform me to consider D6's outburst against STBXW as some possible prodrome. Odd...I medically think it may be the opposite: maybe her harsh treatment and stress...... STBXW shelved her anger thru this. I directed treatment and calls to MDs and shared the info with her.
Stress. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
FRANK!! WTH? & OMG! what is the story with d6's health problems? I mean stress aside, what is the underlying dx? Does she have other med problems? That itself just sucks out the wind of me, as a mom.
D12 had a fever over 105'F a month ago (verified at the hospital, and I bought a new thermometer b/c I could not believe she was still living & talking -and being sarcastic...guess humor is the last sense to go??) ANYHOW, ALL other activity stops...
THE WORLD stops when your kids are really sick (or having a seizure!) OMG, no fever and then a seizure? WTH? Seriously Frank, when I read your post I just put my hand to my mouth and prayed/cussed, if you know what I mean...
Yeah, I took a few breaths...I'm calmer now so YOU don't have to comfort me.
SO, what is all of this? Weren't there tests done before? Inconclusive? Have you ruled out anything like the most horrible stuff at least?
My dad had epilepsy w/grand mal seizures, and it was a really tough thing to watch him have a seizure when we were little. But once we knew what to do for him AND that he'd recover, AND that it was not contagious, we were usually fine. (Hey, we were little kids, and we were freaked at first. Thought he was dying.)
Just seeing a seizure in a parent, much less your child, is NOT easy. (Dad's seizures ended in his 40's, fwiw, but it's a poorly understood disorder and in his time, there was also a lot of shame in it. Can't explain).
So forget stbxw's behavior/words now, unless they relate to d....and focus on d6...She's a sweetheart in your photos. She must be confused and scared. Does SHE understand what is going on and does she get a warning or "aura" as my dad did? He'd get several seconds and then he'd know he was having one and he could pull over the car, lay down, etc.
And as for mil...well, I'm sure she cares about d6 and you DO have to "put all things aside" at moments like this. You KNOW that your words will be embedded in someone's mind, for better or worse, at times like this, so be careful how you say everything. Besides, custodial issues remain somewhat unresolved now so be careful and express only your concerns for d6 at ALL times, (esp with witnesses...)
Oh, shoot. Screw all that. HUGS to you Frank, we're all pulling for you to get through this and for your d to be well soon. And I pray you get some answers about her dx so you can plan and treat and take care of your baby girl. And that you feel our support coming at you! Take care of your baby girl and son and yourself...
For now, there is clarity. Savor it, and the support you are being sent.
((( j )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
