Young couple in need of help

[sumguy27]

I need help with this. I have tried no contact with her since Weds. We have the same group or friends and we all hang out every weekend. Should I avoid them all together? Trying to go dark but its been tough. Didn't want to see her there yesterday. I thought she would have been home watching my D. I should have expected that. Help.

[Stronger]

Two ways to go here.
Yes, detach from all of the friends and let them know why. Do not put a rift between you and them. And since you know they are going to tell her, think about what you want to say to them. Nothing sappy of weak. Something like "Friend, you know you've always been there for me and I appreciate that. I'm taking a break from the social scene to try some new things for me. This situation is an opportunity to me. I'm going to take and it and own it and make it great for me."

If you decide these are your friends too, make it clear to her "These are OUR friends. I don't want them to have to chose between us and I don't want them to feel awkward. We need to be adults about this and make sure our friends don't want to avoid us during this time as they feel bad and forced to chose." And let her figure out what that means and how to achieve that goal.

[sumguy27]

Omg does this weekend get any worst? So she tells me that she needs to drop off my little girl so she can have sometime to clean up her place which I thought was fine. She said I will pick her up around 7 to 8. It was about 1 when she dropped her off. And then it was 8. I texted her and said where r u? She then says she has to do some [censored] tonight and for me to have them for just this one night. Wtf? My son already waiting with his shoes on and I don't have a sitter for them as my sitter already made plans plus I have school first thing in the morning. I said no you come get them now. I have no idea what her plans were but yelled at her and said why are you putting your kids second? She then said fine I'm on my way. I told her she better be there by 9:15pm it was 8:25. I called her friends no one knew where she was at. I called herr parents. Well because she supposedlly said that her phone died but she has a car charger? So I called to explain the situation. She shows up at about 10pm. I'm so getting to the point of just taking both of them away from her. Then I back tracked with her mother. Its like I told my mil the truth yet she doesn't want to believe it. GRRRRR! I know I should have never talked to my in laws. If it weren't for my kids and our history together I wouldn't still be trying to fix this. I'm getting to the point of just saying F it. I love her but I hate this person who she has become.

[texasbobby]

hang it there bud. ur doing all you can do. hopefully she snaps out of it.

[Stronger]

Perhaps there needs to be a solid parenting schedule....can you do that? My H and I have one. He's always needing help, and sometimes I'm there to help and other's I'm not. But the solid schedule has actually helped me to GAL. I actually have more me time now than before the separation. Odd, but true.

[sumguy27]

I don't know what is up with her. Its like she is having a MLC and so very immature. How can you not put your kids first? I'm so tired of all of this and so worn out already.

[Steve McQueen]

Damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is this crap even worth it!!!!! I told myself I was only going to talk about those 3 things. And when she brought up the relationship I got into it too. DAMMMMMMMM!!!! She is so f hard headed. She says I turn XXXX around and blame her. Wtf!!!! I just wanted her to know the faults between us yet she can't even see past that XXXX. I'm not trying to blame her. I'm not trying to win. I just want a better understanding. XXXX!!!!

Understandably, she is the "type" of person who cannot accept nor easily get over the trauma of being cheated on. What you need to understand is the extent of damage you have done to this relationship and that it may not be reversable. It is going to require a complete change of her heart from here on out, and honestly, it may be something she never gets over. Which is something you probably did not want to hear; but YOU CHEATED ON HER! and that is what you need to understand foremost. It hurts.

I am not sure how you think arguing with her and getting intoxicated at the same location(club) she is at is going to help your situation any. Nor that snooping or confronting any other man will either. She said she is done. And this self-righteous behavior will never help your situation. She may or may not need time to grieve over this situation. She may need time to get a few things out of her system before she comes to see you in a different light. Then again she may never be able to accept sorry for answer. You will need to accept her desicions and agree with them. Arguing with her and further disrespecting her will not win her back.

Interestingly, you pointed out some important aspects of your relationship (that may in fact announce that she was done) prior to your affair. Her EA with her ex. Her expectation of you cooking and cleaning and bathing the children, your dead sex life, going out "with the girls" 2 nights a week. (What is so inticing to a group of young females that they would hang out at a bar till 4 in the morning?) Your affair may have been the straw that broke the camel's back. At least you have children with her. What are you doing to shine as a father and as a possible man to come back to? I hope you dont think pointing out her faults and expecting her to see past your affair is positive.

I don't know but with her friends the first words that came out of there mouths was "lets go to the club and find you a new man and forget about that loser."

WORD! Sorry to use you as an example but this is repeated over and over again on this forum in not so elegant terminology. Nothing works better when your spouse is seeing someone else then to drop contact and start dating yourself. It is the ultimate wake up call of what there is to lose. For those who doubt, here is a prime example.

[sumguy27]

I fully understand what you are saying. I can look back and see what you have explained now. I have made many mistakes in trying to save my marriage. I understand that she might not even come back. I guess I'm just going to lay low for a while. Yes I did take her for granted and now I'm paying the price for it.

[sumguy27]

Omg she is threatning me to take my kids away from me. I called a L and I don't have any rights in my state? I'm so stressed and just lost.

[texasbobby]

hey buddy it sounds like you need to give her a little space. my wife threatened me with the same thing too not to long ago. i dont think she means it remember she isnt thinking clearly.

how would she enjoy anytime with the om if that were the case?

she knows how to push your buttons and enjoys it. dont give her the satifaction.

hang in there.