It is tough to witness your daughters relationship with their mother deteriorating. But that is between them and her.
It is tough to watch. And I want to help that out. But if I say anything to W about it, it will be taken the wrong way. So I just have the girls in counseling. W can't see right now how this is affecting the kids.
Kevin
Well, I'd say you owe it to your kids though to tell them their mom loves them though, and not look at their feelings as some sort of vindication of yours. I don't think you do your daughters any favors by saying things like she can't see how she's affecting the kids. You don't know what she thinks or how she feels about that. I think it's great that you are a listening ear to D11...but at the same time you have to watch out she isn't manipulating you, as D11's will. My son's counselor has made a very big point about this, which shocked me, really. He called S12 out on it in counseling, about him wanting me to feel sorry for him, and trying to get me to feel sorry for him, and using that as a tool of manipulation that he will LEARN TO USE for the REST OF HIS LIFE if not corrected.
He really gave me son some trouble over the whole self-pity thing. I guess the shocking part is that my son sat there and freaking admitted it. The C told him, well, he had that choice, to live in self-pity, but he didn't see it as a great life plan.
Let me ask you a hard question, Kev. How much of you takes a certain..pleasure, well not really pleasure, but a feeling of satisfaction when you hear D11 make these complaints? Do you feel vindicated...that you're right, and W is wrong. I'd get pretty introspective right now about the best thing for D.
My H does a lot of damage to his R with my S12, and I work daily to repair it, because that's his dad. I do it for S12. it would be sooo easy to turn him completely to my side. I have that power. We could make H the bad guy no problem. But he has to carry that relationship for life and beyond and I want it to be the best it can be.
You're darn right your W wouldnt' listen to you say something about what D11 said. Because it would be seen as self-serving. The best thing you can do for D11 is be a good example and live a good life and not feel sorry for yourself. Don't let her feel sorry for herself either. She can be unhappy about the sitch, but don't encourage self-pity or blame of the other parent. Would you like it if your W talked to your D's and blamed you for everything? Or would you like her to say something about how adults have problems they have to work out, and that both their parents love them?
