You are all helping me turn around today thank you so much!
Dia - You are right about the judo. And the taking care of myself. Stronger also reminds me of this constantly.
I am going to start a sewing project tonight - just for me.
Stronger - Yes, it sounds like part of him wants in, just like most WASs, he is unsure and needing time to have changes proven. I talked with IC who has also seen us as a couple few times - we agreed he is not saying he wants out. He wants protection in case of divorce to say the separation ended when he moved out - for financial reasons. All other ramifications I will stop speculating about until I speak with my L - when and if H ever completes the paperwork. IC thinks H is on the fence, or else he would file D papers immediately and not put in a bunch of protective measures in my benefit, as he has.
Coach - good question. I realized in IC I'm scared of letting go of M status and security - as I live in an affluent neithborhood with a lot of "perfect" looking Ms around that I compare myself to. IC reminded me both of us were unhappy with the previous M, not just H. I need to get away from the catastrophic thoughts that say I'm a loser if I'm sep or D, that no way will we be able to work it out (he's not gone yet, and is promising MC). I just seem to fall into panic mode way too easily - IC got me back in my game on feeling centered, focused, and calm.
I feel guilty for breaking up our M (or at least my part in it)
Reality is: H is not gone yet. If H wants to D me, I cannot control that, but he hasn't yet and is stipulating in sep agr. he won't file for D for one year or it's null. This fact, plus the agreement for 5 months of MC will demonstrate to me if H is really willing to work on it, or if he's resigned to going forward to a D - I have at least that much time. H is being fair even though quite cautious and financially protective of himself. I need to give my DB and self-changing efforts more time and patience, hanging in while H's on the fence. H shows up 3-4 nights per week at our house and doesn't avoid me - he's watching me.
