Thanks everyone for your concern, I have been a bit quiet over the weekend as I wasn't too sure if he was going to come back to the site.
Just to answer a few questions, my H never deletes his browsing history and I still don't have a clue how he found the site. He was searching through the MLC threads and and infidelity thread and one on platonic relationships (I haven't seen that one before).
In any case, I think he feels threatened that someone other than he would be interested in me, judging by his questions. His friends are repeatedly telling him that he needs to pull his head out of his butt and realise what he is throwing away, get back home and start sorting things out. He wants to but is worried that our R won't be the same.
I haven't given anything away in the conversation we had on Sat night as I really want to get this first coaching sessions done so I have some tools to work with. There is still a very very long hard road ahead.
H stayed home yesterday indicating he wanted to do some things around the house, wash the cars, tidy and sort the garage into working order etc. We went to the car wash and did the cars together, he did a bit of tidying in the garage and I then said that I wanted a new BBQ, so we went to a few shops and bought the barbie which was put to good use for it's first meal of the barbie season last night.
For the first time yesterday, his car key was left at the front door and as I was going out to collect D he told me to take his car. This is a very big change for him. Last night he was using the computer and made no attempt to hide anything he was looking at as he has done of late.
Two of my other important goals which have not been achieved yet are still addressing me by my name, I still have no name when he talks to me or wants my attention and also for his phone to be in the house. As they say baby steps, he has started trying we will see how it goes. I am actually glad to be having the phone session tomorrow.
I am hopeful that things will continue to improve but I know that it is going to be a long slow progress. He wanted us to go away this weekend up North for an air show but the airfares are a bit of a killer and he didn't want to spend that much on airfares. One thing I will ask the DBing coach tomorrow is if I should perhaps suggest another place to go but probably shouldn't as he was the one who suggested going away.
Anyway I will think about changing my username, but if you don't see me here as much it is because I am just treading lightly to make sure he doesn't find my thread here.
H has just sent one of those funny emails with pictures that do the rounds. He has not done this in months. Another small baby step, just wish they were the baby steps I am after but i can't be picky.
Hi Nell and LR, I will always be around even if things work out.
Tonight we are back where we were, he has his key hidden again, came home and went to sleep on the couch. Think he probably got a bit put out tonight at the gym. It was my first time back after 3 weeks H arrives, I am still doing my training session with the trainer, as usual we are chatting and have a few laughs, H did not look impressed at all.
I had no real expectations so once again no disappointment.
Keeps getting up and walking behind me to see what I am doing again, insecurities back out again.
Two steps forward, one step back... you are making great progress and some great responses from him! So you think that him seeing you at the gym having a nice time with the trainer pushed him away? How did you greet him when he came to the gym? Might sound crazy but maybe next time stop your training for a minute as soon as you see him to focus on him and go over to give him a nice smile and greeting? Then go back to training (unless H tries to engage you in a little converstation of course.)
I am beginning to see that sometimes the littlest things can have huge effects with my husband. Yesterday when he got home from an outing with the kids, I did something I haven't done in a long time and actually came out of the house to greet him and help get the kids out of the car. We ended up having a very nice evening where he even watched a movie with me on the same couch after the kids went to bed - no computer! (That is a HUGE thing for us.)
Maybe the greeting we give them when they get home sets the tone for the whole evening?
I'm catching up on your sitch. What a scare! But honestly, I don't think it's a big deal. I mean, he could have found out you were on Match.,com instead, you know? IMHO, if my H ever finds my thread he can read it, warts and all. Honesty and transparency, right?
Stay the course and don't let any of this shake you!
Oh, and re: that greeting? Yes, we *can* set the tone by how we approach them. It's part of the whole act-as-if thing. We we're withdrawn and tense, they will be, too. If we're light and happy, it has a positive impact on them.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
I hear you on the greeting thing. I didn't see him arrive at the gym last night, once i had finished the session I did go up to him to say hi. all I got was a "see you at home". When he is at the gym he is not interested in any chit chat or anything with me, he will not stop what he is doing to talk not even to just say hello. If it is someone other than me then he will stop and talk etc.
When I am at home and he arrives home, I always smile and greet him with a nice "hello", I get no return smile, usually a gruff "hi" and then that is it, nothing more. Our house at present has the kitchen and living upstairs and I do not hear him arrive home until he is coming up the stairs.
I have tried the whole greeting thing and still do but it gets no positive response from H whatsoever.
Looking forward to this morning for my first coaching session. The one thing I did do yesterday which may be totally against DBing rules but I felt it the right thing to do. I sent an email as follows:
Me: Feel like going rock climbing tomorrow night instead of the gym just for something different.
H: Just Go
Me: I mean't rock climbing together, you and me.
H: Oh, is there a centre near home otherwise you will have to come into the city
Me: There is one near home.
H: Ok we will go there.
Maybe I deserve a clip across the ears, but given he said he wanted to work on "us" but wasn't sure if it could ever be the same, I felt it an appropriate thing to do, to attempt a reconnection without appearing to pursue He doesn't believe in "dating" again so to speak so I felt in this way, we were doing something together, we have not done anything together in many many many months.
All the best with your session today. I think I read you are speaking with Joannn. I also spoke with her and found her very helpful. I have considered calling her again before I go ahead and finish everything up because this is still not my preferred option.
That all sounds OK to me Oz - and your H responded well to your suggestion so what's the harm??
Must have been fun working out the time difference between you and the US! I am always struggling with all the different time zones that I have to work out for one reason and another!
Good luck with Joann this morning and I look forward to coming home and getting your feedback. I may be late as it's counselling after work this evening.
Try not to be too down - you are sounding a bit flat in your postings lately ... you OK in yourself ((Oz))? I guess that you are just being cautious on here now.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
