My sitch...long but please indulge me

[pearlharbr]

Pasties (short a) are meat pies, populuar with Welsh miners in the US as opposed to pasties (long a) that you wear.

Good for D11! Was at happy hour with a GF whose husband doesn't watch football. She's bitterly disappointed, says it was a bait and switch because he said he was a Raiders fan before they were married.

Yes, we have tennis classes Sat morning then we're off to an historical hotel downtown for tea and spending the night. Then football on Sunday.

How are you feeling about things as this week winds down?

[billclay18]

Pearl,

Feeling pretty good. Enjoying my time to myself. A little busy again this weekend. D11 and I are going out to lunch, then she has a gymnastics exhibition at a local carnival. She might be having a sleepover at the house tonight. Tomorrow it's football, chili and my family. Can't wait...I love to cook, just haven't had anyone to cook for lately.

Can you give me a brief synopsis on your story and how you got to where you are today with BF? Gucci made a brief reference to you on another thread as being one of those to look at as examples of what works. Thanks.

[pearlharbr]

Long story short, I first tried to be the better woman and ignore BF's affair. I was miserable and finally decided enough was enough and kicked him out of the house. I was done and happy with the decision so was moving on with plans to move out of state and start over. I went dark except for financial matters.

About a month later BF starts wanting to come over to visit the cats. I stayed dark and wouldn't be home when he came over. He asked if we could work things out. I said no because he was not and could not be the man I wanted to be with. Plus he was still seeing OW and that was unacceptable. It was difficult but over the next couple months he tried to explain why I should give him another chance. I was extremely hesitant but finally agreed.

You know that I still have doubts as to whether or not this is where I need to be. But I did turn things around so at least I am the one making the decision. I needed to regain control of my own life.

[billclay18]

You know that I still have doubts as to whether or not this is where I need to be. But I did turn things around so at least I am the one making the decision. I needed to regain control of my own life.

I understand where you're coming from. I honestly don't know if I want my W back...SHE would have to make significant changes (it's all about her way to often)...but I do want to be in the position where she want's me back and it's my decision. Seems she's had the upper hand since the first time she mentioned D two yrs ago and it's almost like I was walking on eggshells since. Not a good feeling.

Thanks for sharing...I'm sure that's a time you'd rather forget.

On a lighter note...how's BF doing in football this week? I won one and am leading another, but my opponent has 2 guys going tonight.

P.S. I'm meeting a buddy to watch MNF tonight...he's my W's best friend's H. I trust him, but will avoid talking about W as much as possible.

[billclay18]

Just got email from W...first contact in over 3 weeks.

"Hi…hope all is well. How’s step D11 and dog doing?

I was wondering if you have typed up anything pertaining to our divorce papers? I know you wanted certain items in there to protect your house so I figured you would get something together. We went over what I would like stated..other than that I am paying off the truck and at the time the title is issued to you, you will sign off and give it to me. We talked about the credit cards we are keeping, the house…."

Funny...I had the paperwork typed up 6 weeks ago...we went through all the specifics, nothing's changed. As far as the "certain items" she referred to, that just some legal wording regarding the house. Can't add that until she proofs rough draft.

Hoping to get a few suggestions before I respond...but thinking something like:

"Everyone's doing fine. Hope you are too.

I'll get the paperwork in the mail to you in the next day or two. Wording regarding the house can be added later, not sure exactly what that entails yet.

Take care,
H"

How's that?

[billclay18]

Didn't want to put off responding any longer. Responded as shown above. I'll mail paperwork today.

Guess I'm not surprised she chose to contact me via email. Maybe that's for the best.

Wonder if this is a "test" to see how I'll respond...if I'm letting go...as Gucci suggested earlier.

The balls in her court now.

[pearlharbr]

Ack! Ok, first thing you need to do is stop responding right away. Seriously. Because she's still driving things, everything is on her timeline. Always wait at least 24 hours before responding. Just get out of the house or do whatever but stop letting her set the pace.

If you haven't mailed the paperwork yet then don't do it. You're still letting go but the idea is to project the image that you're really busy with your own things and she is no longer your number one priority.

Then make it true.

[billclay18]

I should have waited to get a response from you or someone else before doing anything. I didn't respond right away, waited 4 hrs...not long but she knows I get my email immediately while I'm sitting at my desk at work, so 4 hrs was not typical for me. But you're right...should have let her wait longer. Oh well, can't change that, but I'll wait a few days before sending the paperwork. I guess I'm a little confused. I understand your point about waiting, not letting her set the time line. On the other hand, I don't want to appear to be stalling or, more importantly, I want to convey that I'm ready, let's go...etc. I'll wait a few days and if she contacts me again about it I'll just say it slipped my mind.

BTW, she never replied to my email. Any merit to Gucci's "testing" theory?

[pearlharbr]

Ok, you're right about sending the paperwork to show that you're willing to move on and not stalling. I guess it just works better when you actually are busy and can't get around to everything she wants the minute she wants it.

I do think she's testing the waters to see how you'll react. That doesn't mean she's going to tell you that or respond right away. See how you're already wondering what's going on with her when she hasn't answered in a few hours? The goal is to have her wondering what's going on with you that you haven't answered yet. Stop mind reading. Let it go and focus on yourself.

You said Gucci referenced me on another thread, was that RedSoxFan? I read some of it this morning and saw my name. What Gucci was pointing out is that I really let go and moved on. Only then did BF start wanting to know what was going on with me and wanting to reconcile. I was never good at lovingly detaching. By the time I dropped the rope I was honest and truly done with him. And it felt good.

So have fun at MNF with your friend. Do NOT talk to him about W or your sitch at all, but guys are usually better at that anyway. I'm rooting for Peyton but that's because I've watched him since college (and I don't watch college ball). BF lost two leagues and should win one after tonight. He's down seven points, opponent has Peyton but BF has Wayne and a couple others.

I'm reheating the lumpia my friend made and making grilled cheese sandwiches (BF's recipe). How did the chili turn out? Good recipe you feel like sharing?

[billclay18]

Ok, you're right about sending the paperwork to show that you're willing to move on and not stalling. I guess it just works better when you actually are busy and can't get around to everything she wants the minute she wants it.

The paperwork has been done on my end for 6 weeks (which she knew), it's just a matter of putting it in the mail, but I get your point. I'll mail it...eventually.

What Gucci was pointing out is that I really let go and moved on. Only then did BF start wanting to know what was going on with me and wanting to reconcile. I was never good at lovingly detaching. By the time I dropped the rope I was honest and truly done with him. And it felt good.

A little easier to do in your sitch because you didn't have any unfinished "business". Anyway, once again I get your point.

I'm reheating the lumpia my friend made and making grilled cheese sandwiches (BF's recipe). How did the chili turn out? Good recipe you feel like sharing?

What's lumpia? Sure I'll share my recipe.

Got to cheer against Wayne tonight. My opponent has him and Ronnie Brown. Guess I'll be cheering for Addai and Rickey Williams to have big nights.

I've got plans all weekend...maybe too many...so lots of time to focus on me!